Published January 12, 2009
Hey everyone, so I got really inspired at night and wrote this. so here it is, for you to rip apart and critique as much as you want, no rude comments please!. Hope you guys enjoy!.
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Beautifully Broken.
I could not feel my legs anymore.
They were weak and shaking, my back hurt so much I was barely able to keep myself straight. My feet - I could feel them bleed, making them the worst.. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep myself up for one more minute.
I had danced ballet for my whole life. When I was a little girl, I always dreamt I would become a Prima Ballernia; I loved to run around the house with my pink tutu and show my parents what I had learned in class. I used to be so happy.
But that was a long time ago.
I can hardly remember how it felt like to go home and feel safe and calm, to have my mom cook dinner for my brother, Dustin, dad, and I. Nor can I remember the last time we were gathered in the lounge, watching a movie with ice cream giving us brain freezes. My life has changed so much in the last ten years. I find it difficult to believe that ten years ago, the same girl who did all those family things with the people she loved, was the same one dancing now. The same girl now dancing alone, close to midnight, in a lonesome ballet studio.
But that was the only place I could go, the only place I felt truly at home. I could not bear being at my house, with my stupid familiy, I just couldn't be near them.
I remember when I turned Fifeteen- when Adam, my best friend, had given me my first kiss. We had been best friends since we were five and he was everything I needed. I never cared neither wanted to have many friends, I had Adam and that was all that mattered. We were always together, always having fun and we couldn't spend a day without each other. The best part? it was only the two of us.
I recall happily that day, the day he kissed me. I was laying outside with him, watching the stars and talking about our future.
“What do think we will be doing in ten years?” I asked, turning myself, feeling the grass tickle my elbow.
“Well, you will probably be dancing in Paris or Russia and I will be seeing you dance, every night, and then I’ll write an article in the paper saying how great you are.” He said with confidence.
“Oh Adam, so sweet!” I smiled “But you are totally lying”.
We laughed.
“You know I’m not” he chuckled “But maybe”.
Then he turned his face and his lips were just inches away from mine, and I felt my heart freeze, he was so close that I was able to inhale his awsome breath. “You know Danielle, I will always be with you no matter what”. Suddenly his lips were over mine, touching them softly, but then they became harder, more passionate . His kiss made me fly up in the sky and my stomach was crazy as well as my heart. It was the best moment of my life.
Then I knew, in that single moment, I'd found the thing I had been denying myself for the past three years.
I was in love with Adam.
Suddenly my knee bended and I fell to the floor. “Damn it” I whispered, I had to keep my head in the game if I wanted to make that pirouette right. No more thinking about Adam, he was gone, for good.
That thought made my heart ache. I had tried to get over him for the last couple of months, but I could not. It was impossible. It made me angry and sad, after all these years of being together, of making me smile and bringing happiness into my life, after my father had become an alcoholic, Adam had just left me. And that ached more than my swollen feet, or shaky legs and tired back, it even hurt more than when I saw my mother taking anti-depressant pills or when I saw Dustin consuming for the first time.
God!, my family is so twisted.
Keep your head in the game Danielle. You want to get out of here and become a prima ballerina.
I stood up, using all the strength I had left and started dancing again, practicing that impossible pirouette.
My head betrayed me again. I took me to the moment Adam left me.
“Adam why have you been acting so weird lately?, is everything okay?” I had asked him while we were walking hand to hand in the park.
He didn’t answer right away, which meant there was something wrong. “Yeah, everything is fine-”.
“No it’s not, I know you Adam, better than anyone, what's going on” I had stopped to meet his gaze.
“I…” he hesitated. “Danielle I’m leaving, I got accepted in Oxford University! can you believe it?". He started jumping now, up and down, and his smile occupied his whole face.
"Are you serious?" I asked while I jumped over him, giving him a hug. "That is great!, now we are both going to England!".
Suddenly his smile faded, and all that was left was sadness.
"Listen Danielle, I think we should break up,” he looked down when he said the last phrase.
“But….why? I’m going to London’s art school, we can still be together”. My world began to shake, everything around me was unsteady.
“Danielle, look I still love you, but I’m confused. I think we should take a break, be apart from each other, so I would really appreciate if we could stop talking to each other for a while, even if we both go to England”. He had let go of my hand, and I only saw in his eyes pure decision.
“But we have been together for five years!” I broke into tears then and I felt how my heart broke, piece by piece and each second that past hurt more and more. "Why would you need time to think?".
“I met someone else Danielle, I'm sorry just give me time".
Click, click, click. The Pointe shoes hit hard the wooden floor and echoed against each wall of the big ballet studio. In moments like this, I felt as lonely as ever, with no one by my side. In moments like this I really needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay, that they were there for me and that I needn’t to worry about anything.
But there was no one here, and my heart was broken into pieces. I felt empty inside, like nothing mattered anymore, like there was nothing left for me. I stopped dancing and broke down, my muscles could not keep doing this anymore and neither could I. Tears suddenly fell down my cheeks and it was difficult to breath.
“Danielle” a voice said, coming from the door. I looked up, and saw a tall man, tanned, black hair and blue eyes, he walked closer to me and my heart squeezed.
It was Adam.
“Don’t cry” he whispered, and sat on the floor in front of me. “Everything is going to be okay” he said. And gave me a hug that I was in need for.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, letting go of him.
"Letting you go was a big mistake," He said meeting my gaze. "And I'm very sorry for that, Danielle, could you forgive me?". His eyes were big and blue and full of sorrow and unhappiness.
Should I forgive him?. After everything I went through, after suffering all these months, should I just let him back into my life?.
"Maybe" I whispered.
I turned the back on him, stood up and started dancing again.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey, Dianis! Hopefully I am of some help to you today =]
You keep hinting at how horrible her family life is but as a reader, we still don't know what happened to change that. Maybe I'm just being impatient but I feel you should give us a bit more than hinting by now
Combine these two sentences. Maybe try: I remember when I turned fifteen - when Adam, my best friend for years, had given me my first kiss. or something like that.
You kind of repeat this idea through the course of the previous paragraph. I'm not sure if you should say this so bluntly because the reader can comprehend as much from reading the paragraph before this. However, I really do like this sentence so maybe just move things around it might work better somewhere else ^_^
I'm sorry but this mad me bust a rib laughing. "Awesome breath"? Hehe, I think it would have been cuter if you said "awesome cologne" or something. Awesome breath just made me giggle. Whenever I think of breath, I think of "bad" breath for some reason so just ignore me if you want to keep it.
Consuming what? Explain more here.
Also, ignore my previous comment at the top about how I wanted you to introduce the family issues earlier. I actually liked the way you introduced them later so nix that
Should be "It" instead of "I"
Should be "hand in hand" not "hand to hand"
Wow, for some reason, this hit me hard. I hate Adam! What a jerk!
Oh, and just so you know, there should be a comma after "else" =]
~ ~ ~ ~
Go Danielle! I wouldn't let him back in my life, either! I was like shouting at the screen to tell her not to take him back. He just can't waltz back into her life like nothing happened! Ug, men...
But anyway... hehe I enjoyed this, as you can tell. It was a very hearfelt story, one I think you should continue on. I want to know about Danielle, if she becomes a Prima like she wanted. I can totally relate to her because I did dance for five years, from first grade to sixth grade. Than I moved and had to let it go. It was a super hard thing for me and I miss it everyday. I could totally relate to this.
But yeah, I have no further complaints and if you ever do continue this, let me know!
As you said, I will rip and critique the best I can.
Here I go...!
To be truthful, this didn't really catch my interest at all. This first sentence needs pizazz. Try...
After trying my best for so long, I could no longer feel the movement in my legs.
Or something like that. Just add that little sparkness to this and it should work.
Okay, seeing you collided two sentences together, you need a word to go between them. (I can't remember what it's called) Have you heard of FANBOYS? When you put these two sentences together use one of these words in between...For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. In my opinion I would use, for/and/& yet.
After the word feet, you don't need the - . You need ";". To divide one what you're talking about and the description of the feet.
Try, Dancing ballet for my whole life was a passion I had.
Instead of dreamt, try dreamed. It flows better that way.
These two sentences sound depressing. I don't know if you're aiming for a story that's depressing, but if she used to be happy then, I need to know why she's down. And so I will read on...
Take out Like. That word ruins this sentence. Try something else or nothing at all.
Haha!! My family does the same thing, just not eating ice cream at the couch. But movies ~ yes.
Okay, it's family. Not familiy.
It's fifteen. No three E's. And again, it's ";" after 15. No "-".
Okay, you never put words like No, neither, never, not, etc. together in a sentence. Try, I neither wanted to have many friends. Adam was all that mattered to me.
Capitalize the i in It. It's the start of a new sentence.
Try rewording this sentence. [i]I recall being happy that day when he kissed me...
We laughed, what? Uncontrollably? Happily? Laughed until we cried?
Add an E, in awsome ~ awesome.
Are you serious? He left because of that?
Okay, this sounds like an average desperate teenage girl wanting to still be in a relationship. This part I did not like at all. It sounded too whiny.
I like this last sentence. I don't know why, I just like it.
*dianis97~
Overall: I will try not to sound harsh, like you asked. But I know there is something in you that can make this a little better, it needs a little pizazz. I hope I didn't sound too rude, I'm only here to help you. Great Job!
*Merry
Thanks everyone for the review. They have helped a lot!, I'm going to try to be more careful before publishing my work. And I'll try to make it better....maybe change the end and add more details, thanks!.
Oh, and sory about the grammar...I'm a spanish speaker.
It should be so much
This is a bit long. Especially for somewhat of a first sentence. Maybe try: Myself straight. My feet - I could feel them bleed, making them the worst.
Now, you can add literal, but usually when somebody says 'i could feel them' there doesn't seem much point in putting in literally. And she can't feel her legs, but she can feel her feet??
Prima Ballernia; I loved
Capitals? I'm not really a ballet dancer so...?
brother, Dustin
You usually put a comma before somebody's name when it's like ^
That does not flow that well. Lets try: ,Dustin, dad, and I. Nor can I remember the last time we were gathered in the lounge, watching a movie with ice cream giving us brain freezes.
The end bit would be something I would put, just to make it a more pleasurable experience for her - a fun memory, a good memory, rather than 'movie and ice cream' because that's a little dull...
Again, that's one ripper of a sentence. Let's try, to slow it down and make it readable: My life has changed so much in the last ten years. I find it difficult to believe that ten years ago, the same girl who did all those family things with the people she loved, was the same one dancing now. The same girl now dancing alone, close to midnight, in a lonesome ballet studio.
But why is it open at 11pm? And why is she alone?
Fifteen
Fifteen - when Adam, my best friend, had given me my first kiss.
Gah I hate the word that, and it's a horrible word. Try to use it as little as possible - it cuts the flow
maybe use the word Many instead of a lot of to keep the flow going
The best part? It was...
No comma
How does she recall the day? Happily? And try: I recall the day he kissed me *insert emotion=happily, wistfully perhaps?*. I was lying outside with him, watching the stars and talking about the future.
Where outside? On what? Grass in the backyard or on her wooden front porch?
instead of "i will be seeing you dance' try: Russia, and I will be watching you, then write an article in the paper telling everybody how brilliant you are," he said with confidence
Oh, Adam, so sweet
I smiled, "But you are totally lying."
You know I'm not," he chuckled, "but maybe."
Use commas before the " if you have "he said/she sighed" or whatever.
And that was a good story, but the ending... it just did not fit. It was a too perfect ending. Things just don't happen like that in the real world.
And you must make a clear change in time, because it begins with her thoughts then she's cursing when she stuffed the pirouette. If you do not, it will pretty much confuse the reader beyond belief.
I would like to know more about her emotions. What sort of emotions go through her when she thinks of Adam? Family? Friends? Does she resent anybody?
And why is she alone?
All this needs to be put in the story!
And this is a good start. It just needs some revising, mostly on sentence structure/punctuation/grammar, and you're all set!
Good luck
He gave me a hug that I was so much in needed for. [quote]
Here, this needs to say "that I was in need for" or "that I needed so much". Also, you really need to put punctuation in this. It will make it way easier to read. Something else is that you should say how her legs and knees got swollen. It doesn't really make much sense. Explain the background some more.
I really like this story. So, don't think that I hate it and I just want to point out all the wrong things. Keep writing! ~S.C.
Run-ons, run-ons, run-ons! There was much too much going on in one sentence. This happens periodically throughout the story, and it has to be broken up.
Ditch the last line, or otherwise reword it. Maybe something like: I could feel the blood trickle through my toes and seep into my socks.
I reworded the first sentence because it simply sounded awkward. I also broke up a run-on you had going there.
More run-ons. Also, I would take out the bit about dinner and ice cream. It’s irrelevant to what you’re trying to tell us.
You can’t have a coma after a question mark, silly! I still kind of liked the last sentence, so how about rewording it? The best part was that it was only the two of us.
…Or something to that extent.
I think the dialogue could have been more intimate. In other words, I think you could have built up their relationship quite a bit more. Show us some friendly banter. Show us some of their actions towards one another.
That was a pretty cliché way to describe a first kiss. However, it wasn’t all that bad. I think that you could have described it more. Explain what her heart feels like when she says it’s ‘crazy’. Explain why she thought that was the best moment of her life.
It is so very important that you work on avoiding run-ons. Whew!
Ok, so in one paragraph you’ve given us quite a bit of information. I like how you kept it rather straight to the point here. Nice job.
You have a pretty headstrong character, here. She’s a real trooper!
So it seems to me like he dumped her for no apparent reason? Really, he’s given the narrator no insight as to why he’s made this decision. This especially shows lack of character development. Right now, Adam lacks depth and the audience doesn’t feel a connection to him.
If the readers don’t feel connected to a character, how can they be expected to react the way you want us to? I didn’t feel in the least bit upset (not so much as slightly puzzled, anyways) after reading this bit of dialogue.
This was much better describing the narrator’s emotions. Well done.
Aw.
First off: You have got to fix your run-ons! I cannot stress how important that is when writing! A run-on is an easy mistake to make, so don't fall for it. Just break up your sentences.
Also, punctuation. I'm not a punctuation expert myself, but make sure to go over your piece and check to see if it makes sense. For instance, you had something along the lines of this ?, quite a few times in your story.
I'm sorry, but that cannot be done. I won't allow it!
As for your actual plot line, I don't really see the idea to this. You didn't reveal to us exactly where the speaker is, so when Adam shows up in the end we have no idea what's going on. Speaking of which, when Adam decides to break up with Danielle, there is absolutely no support to his decision at all. I believe you could've given him a better reason for breaking her heart rather than just because he was confused.
I wish you could have included more about Danielle's family. Why did her father become an alcoholic? What ever happened to her brother? How did that affect her dancing? Why does she want to become a ballerina so badly?
Ask yourself these questions when you work and it may help you clarify your ideas.
So, all I ask is that you work on a little bit of character development and a lot of grammar. Keep it up! Hope this review didn't come across as harsh as it sounds. We just want you to do nothing but improve your skills!
PM me if you have any questions.
*anti-pop
Hi
It was nice, in a kind of teenage-romance way. It was a bit shallow and the characters seemed a bit stiff and 2-D, but I liked it. It appeals to a certain type of audience and I'll be the first to admit I'm not one of them. But teenage girls will like this sort of thing.
Just check your tenses and grammar and I think it'll be fine.
Lauren