Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review!

The first thing that I noticed in the poem that I noticed is the rhyming. It doesn't seem to have a pattern because sometimes it's side by side and other times it has another line in between it. I could be missing the pattern, but if you don't have one, then you should. I think this poem could have a rhyme scheme without it bogging the poem down, but rhyme poetry is usually forced into the poem to the point where it has a negative effect. It also puts a sort of restraint on what you can do, so be aware of that as well, not being able to do everything with imagery or line delivery that you could in freestyle, but it has benefits as well.

I felt like the imagery succeeded in a way but I also thought there was wasted potential here with it. I wanted you to expand on some of these things and I wanted to see the imagery better connected. First you're talking about dissipating into the air and then go on to fire and kindling and then being a ghost. Expand on these images that you make so they're more vivid and more powerful. The fire, does it flicker, crackle, do the ashes dance in the air until they hit the ground? What does it smell like, do the ashes fall like snowflakes and you catch them on your tongue but they have a bitter taste instead of melting like a snowflake? There are a lot of things you can do with just one image. And as with connecting this, dissipating into the air like sparks or ashes? Is the ghost dancing in the fire? I'm just suggesting some things or places where you could connect the imagery.

The end of the poem has potential for even stronger line delivery than what's here already with the "you will hurt in the end" having a period after it. The last line disappointed me with what it had after being more powerful in the lines before. You can talk about it fading away like it is a ghost, perhaps becoming only a memory. I didn't get the "occasionally" in the third to last line and it didn't really have to be there and made it weaker. I thought that the flow could be smoother with the punctuation and what you choose to start your lines, stuff like "because" or "but" bogs down the start of lines and 99% of the time it can be read without or reworded to be done without. I was pleasantly surprised with this poem and I think that it doesn't need to be fully dragged out until it's not good, but it could use more in what it's describing, because if you do, it'll be much stronger, along with making the lines feel more dynamic.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey! here for a review.

First, of all I love this poem a lot. I like the rhyme in the first two lines, but I would recommend trying not to rhyme with "air" and "-air", it makes the same sound so it sounds kind of off. The phrase "a kindling" doesn't really make sense considering that a kindling is a stick or some sort of object that starts a fire. Unless you were referring to a single stick, I would try to use a different word there.

Sometimes you need to let go the things you love most,

Before it slowly turns into a ghost.

Because occasionally, if you don't do it soon,

You will hurt in the end, Like separating the sun and the moon.

i love this so much

i love this so much