The world is seashore,
Crowds of people are heaps of sand
And you are a buried diamond.
People walk over you,
They step on you,
But that’s obvious,
For they know you not.
You are there,
But you don’t meet their eyes.
You spring to the skies
But yet they miss your rise.
They come across you every day,
But they fail to see you in any way.
That’s because you choose so,
Not to be in the hands of the ignorant.
Keep your head up high,
Know, one day you’ll be found,
N’ Kept with dignity and in sight,
In a showcase safe and sound.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This poem made me happy to say the least. Personally, I enjoy free-verse and I believe the author should be able to organize his/her poem any way they choose. My favorite part was the first stanza because it was a very cool analogy and it made me feel special. I also like the third stanza. We have minor victories every day, and even if people aren't there to witness them it doesn't make them any less important. My only criticism is that maybe you should make the rhyme scheme a little more stable. Your rhyming pattern is all over the place and if you made it a little more standard to go along with each stanza I think it would benefit the whole poem. Overall, good work. I can't wait to read more from you.
Thanks FinnWinterfall, glad it made you happy. Yeah, I've got to made a lot of amendments. I didn't pay much attention to the structure at all. Just kept the thoughts running on the page. Haha, so silly of me.
Ello, you asked me to be harsh. You don't know who you are asking to be harsh. I will show you no mercy.
Frankly, your structure is all over the place. Every stanza seems to have some different form, which really doesn't seem to be working for this poem.
First of all you start with three lines and change to four. Your end of lines a constantly inconsistent and by the third stanza you pick up a rhyming scheme, which you then change in the next stanza.
Whether or not this was on purpose,the inconsistency isn't effective.
As for content, I feel you have some good stuff and some bad stuff here. Some of your lines feel forced and clichéd in a way, or they feel like they are statements rather than poems.
I like the idea your poem is written about, but I feel that you have just placed the words to get it out, and you are not thinking of this poetically. You are treating this poem almost like a brief story or telling tale.
When writing poetry one must consider the placement of words, and how the words fall together as an art form within itself. You need to think what you are trying to say, then press it together into a poem.
What you have here feels like the 'sketch' of a poem, but you have not yet achieved composition, rhythm and placement of words. In regards to the subject of the poem your sentences seem too blatant and straightforward, and you need to immerse the meaning within them more.
As I said, good idea for subject here, but everything is presented very bluntly.
Your structure is all over the place.
Your poetic voice is not coming through and I feel like these are just sentences of ideas you are telling us rather than a poem.
I know that you can achieved what you aspire to, I feel that what you need tow rok on is different ways of poetically saying things instead of being so straightforward, and also work on consistency throughout your work.
If you don't like my harsh review, don't complain.
I'm honest and I'm nasty, and frankly I think that the previous reviews you have gotten are no help to you AT all.
Wow, now that's a review!
Surprisingly everything you have said is very very true. It's like you read my mind,saying some thing. Ok, now theres a lot I need to learn, I am a newbie, never written poetry so know no rules. After what you said it so does look like statement ratherthan poetry. Now saying all that in true poetry from... seems so hard? dont know How am I going to learn that?
Thanks for the review! Appreciate it
I really don't want you to feel discouraged.
Here to review!
This is a beautiful poem. It flows quite well, I just know that if I was to read this out loud it would be very easy to read. I do kind of see that you have randomly capitalized words, which throws me off a tad bit when I do read this. I love the message you are portraying though. All in all this is a beautiful poem!
Keep writing and have a good week!
~Sarai
Heys, thanks for review!
Oh thanks for telling me about the caps. I'm new so I'll be awareofthatnext time.thanks again.
:d
Of course, anytime!
Sunshine here to review...
Beautiful! Simply beautiful! I love this poem! You wrote it so beautifully. This is deep stuff with a really awesome meaning. My only nitpick here is a typo: buts. I'm guessing you meant but. I would be lying if I said that this poem did not just make me day. I hope you post more works soon! I know this is a bit late but, welcome to YWS!
Thanksssunshine , thanks for the compliment. Means a lot to me. Btw I did mean but. Auto correct is annoying on my phone. I''LL CHANGE IT. STORY ABOUTTHE CAPS.
Autocorrect is our frienemy....
Beautiful rhythm and such absorbing lines. Your writing is smooth and flow is so consistent. A lovely poem that conveys so much emotion and hooks the reader brilliantly. Can't wait to read more of your work x
Hi citrus, glad you like the emotions,
Thanks :d