Published September 1, 2010
Brionie nursed the cup of boiling tea in her cold hands. Sniffing, she threw the hair out of her eyes and made her way to the lounge room. A crack of thunder made her jump and she smiled giddily. She loved storms. A flash of lightning, and another smile broke out across her face. She plonked herself on the sofa, bringing her knees up to her chest, and stared out the window. From her view she could see half the city – the street lights, traffic lights and house lights becoming all but a smattering blur due to the violent rain crashing against her window.
She took a moment to blow on her tea, knowing fully well it didn’t cool it down before taking a tentative sip. The milky, slightly sweet brew hit her tongue and warmed her to the bones. Sighing, she stretched her lithe body out to its full extent – although the two sizes two big micro fleece jumper and daggy old jeans did nothing for her, she felt completely at home.
Suddenly, she heard a huge thumping at the front door and Brionie turned to look at it. It was 7 ‘o’ clock on a Tuesday night. It was storming heavily – who on earth would be out in this kind of weather? The loud banging woke Brionie out of her thoughts and she scrambled to the door. Yanking it open, Kyle’s dripping wet face greeted her.
“Kyle? What are you doing here?” Brionie asked incredulously.
Kyle stood inside, closing the door behind him. “I miss you,” he said quietly.
Brionie’s heart skipped a beat. “Get out,” she said, her temper rising.
“Please, Bree,” Kyle pleaded. “Listen to me.”
She shook her head. “No.”
“I love you,” he said firmly. “You have to listen to me.”
“No. No, I don’t,” Brionie said, her voice wavering. “No you don’t.”
Kyle reached for her, but she pushed him away. He looked at her, and his heart clenched. She’d never looked more beautiful to him, than now. His eyes skimmed over her hair hastily pony-tailed on her head, to the baggy clothes which skimmed over her breasts. He looked at her face, and saw the tears begin to form around her beautiful eyes. Something inside of Kyle splintered, and he wanted to hold her, desperately.
“Baby,” he said. “I’m sorry. Please – ”
“I said get out,” Brionie said, wiping away at the tears which were threatening to course down her face.
Kyle started to move toward her again, but Brionie slapped him, fair across the jaw mustering all the strength she had.
“Get out!” she screamed. “You’re just like all the rest. Leave me the f*ck alone!”
Anger coursed through her veins like a drug, fuelling her rage and channelling all her pent up feelings into raw strength. She let out a wail, and pushed Kyle outside back into the intense storm. Slamming the door, she backed up against it, a fresh set of waves staining her cheeks. Sobbing, she slid onto the floor, unable to control her self any longer. For the first time in a long time, Brionie cried.
* * *
Kyle leaned on the door, unable to fully comprehend what had just happened. Brionie had pushed him back outside, her face pallid with anger and bitterness. He cursed. Squinting, Kyle flinched as another streak of lightning illuminated the sky. He could still hear Brionie sobbing from inside, but he didn’t dare knock again. He pushed back his sopping wet hair from his face, and slid onto the ground. Shivering, Kyle held his head in his hands. He was wrong. He was cold, wet, and alone. For the first time in his life, Kyle didn’t know how to fix the problem he had created.
AN: I don't know if I should continue this. I tend to get stuck with beginnings, but I really liked this one. What did you think?
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was a pretty solid opening scene here that you've got. It does the job of introducing us to this world quite nicely there by setting up that scene and then creating this little conflict that I assume is going to be the main thing driving this plot right here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm..this seems like a nice little opening scene here. There isn't too much going on but we've got ourselves just this nice sort of scene of a person just enjoying a storm and sitting down. Its a very relaxed sort of scene with an interesting atmosphere there. I can't wait to see where this one leads us here.
Ohhh well that started out quite calmly with the person just chilling out there and enjoying their drink in peace but I suppose we do have to get the actual story underway so we've got ourselves a nice little mystery presenting itself there with that binging. Establishing that atmosphere first and then transition into this was a pretty good idea cause now this feels extra powerful since a moment of peace is being broken in weather where that shouldn't be happening.
Well...that escalated quite rapidly there from the peace we had a moment ago. There's definitely hints of quite a bit of backstory behind this particular interaction and I am all for it at the moment. Let's see where this takes us, so far it definitely has managed to get my attention here.
Oooh this started out mildly bittersweet but we are tilting dangerously towards just horror at the moment. Well let's see how this is going. It is a pretty realistic sort of series of events here...and it does appear to be building towards something, let's see what that ends up being here.
Well...that ended better than I thought it might...so that's certainly something there. It looked for a second like it might get a bit ugly, well it did, but in a way that seems like it'll only result in some mental heartbreak and nothing physical which it seemed to be drifting towards for a second. Certainly a powerful moment there.
Hmm...ooooh I like this perspective shift there for the very last part of things. I think it adds a nice extra touch to the scene and we get to see just that bit more before you end things and it adds quite a bit more depth to the emotion in this chapter. That's quite nicely done I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think its a pretty solid story that seems to be headed in a pretty interesting direction that I would certainly want to read on and find out more on here. And well that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I liked this passage because it was very detailed and it felt as if I was there in the room witching the scene. I think you should continue this story because I enjoy your writing.
Thank you for the reviews guys!
I'll take everything you've said into account and resubmit soon.
Hey hi!
This was interesting. You started after the break up and so the characters already have a lot of history. I wanna see how this is going to go down.
The change in mood was a bit strange. In the beginning, Brionie is sitting alone and happy, smiling at the storm and all. Then, when Kyle has come and gone, she sinks into depression. Now, this isn't to say that you can't be having a fantastic day and have someone ruin it like that, but this is a story and some lead in would be nice. Brionie doesn't need to be angsting beforehand or anything, but some sort of note about how she had been happy before, perhaps during her conversation with Kule, and how he ruined it. The mood swing seems so sudden. We are introduced to Brionie with her being happy and then suddenly she is losing control and crying. It just all happens so quickly that we don't have time to grasp onto much.
"baggy"?
Just the one apostrophe after the o = 7 o'clock.
Seconding what Nutty said, there's no need to censor the profanity in the writing. If you need to up a rating or remove the word itself, that's fine, but don't half-heartedly put it in. We don't mind, so long as you warn us with a proper rating.
You put a divider between Brionie's and Kyle's viewpoints at the end, but not in the middle, so Kyle's POV comes out of nowhere in the middle there. Try setting it apart like you did at the end and it will be less jarring for the reader to suddenly be in another character's head.
Also (this in regards to your author's note), if you like it, continue it! Don't ask us whether we think you should continue! Go for it! Sure, the first draft might end up sucking and everyone rips it apart, but it might also turn out to have a fantastic story that just needs some polishing. If you want to do it, do it. Just keep writing and see what happens!
Good luck!
~GryphonFledgling
Hey, I quite enjoyed this. First comment, however, is you don't have to censor yourself in literary works. I would say either leave the word uncensored or get rid of it if you're uncomfortable with having it in your work.
I actually quite like your opening paragraph, you have a place, a person and an action, you have already given us a hint at what kind of person brione is, a tea-drinker who loves storms, and seemingly lives on her own, so that's great.
The only thing I noticed here is that ever line of dialogue has dialogue tags- it isn't too bad here, but keep in mind that you don't always need them to speak in a certain way, it's perfectly fine to have just plain 'said' or nothing at all, if it is obvious who is speaking.
You change perspective quite suddenly here, and then back to hers, and then you change perspective again after the breaker. Maybe keep his thoughts until the next part?
Other than that you have quite a promising start, with two characters with promise, a conflict and a setting. I would say you should definately keep going, I would love to see more about what is going on. The things I have pointed out are minor and realisticly just style-based, more of things to be aware of than to neccessarily change. I think you have a solid start- if you write more, don't hesitate to PM me and let me know!
-Nutty