I sit in the bottom of the shower
And let the water clean me of your kisses.
It’s been five months
But I can’t get your scent off me.
I cut my hair shorter
So I can’t run my fingers through it and imagine yours.
I bought a new shirt today
It’s the only one in my wardrobe that doesn’t smell like you.
I said a joke today
Nobody laughed, but I know if you heard it you’d laugh.
A boy flirted with me today
I didn’t flirt back, because I’m taken.
I cried last night
Because I remembered I’m not taken anymore.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
My biggest complaint is the lack of punctuation at the end of each line. I also don't like how some of the lines are so long, but I can suck it up because I love the rest. You actually made me relate and feel for this person I know nothing about. I can never do that with my poems!
A. S.
P.S. I love the title!
Hey, I stumbled across your work
I like this first coupling, it's really simple and yet sends a strong message of despair. I believe you've intentionally/unintentionally left silences in your poem and that works more than over-describing things the way some other poets do.
For some reason, this coupling is my favourite. Maybe because it's a purely psychological thing the narrator is dwelling on. Like paranoia or a phobia - it's not actually there, but you think it is.
The part in italics is slightly confusing. I don't know whether you're talking about imagining his hair (which is long and the reason "you" cut yours short to distance yourself from memories), or imagining his fingers in your hair, or imagining running your fingers through his hair. lol.
The word "today" was repeated a lot here. I think it'd work better if one of the "today"s was replaced with "yesterday":
Sad ending. Such a simple and yet complex poem. I liked how it wasn't cliché; you didn't scream how depressed and suicidal you were and how heart broken, crying tears of blood. Instead you just stated the facts of the situation of the narrator/you and made the read far more realistic. Hope to be reading more from you.
- Jai :3
I really, really like this piece. It's original and creative, and there's enough imagery to evoke some emotion. It's gently written, but carries a great deal of longing and sadness with it. It's the story of breaking the habits you create when you're with someone.
It's great.
Love this piece.. I wish I could give something constructive, but honestly, I love it just the way it is.
Great job. c:
-Coral-
Hey,
This was good, but I don't see how it linked back to your title, if I am being honest. The structure also annoyed me. I don't think it looks like with two line stanzas, for it to be a stanza, I think it should have a minimum of four lines. I mean if you put these into four lines, I don't think it would make a difference to the impact, it just looks more aesthetically pleasing. Overall a okay piece though.
PM me for anything.
~Retro Disco666