Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This sounds like a great synopsis with a couple of random lines of dialogue. Its like a cross between epic movie trailer lines/ mysterious blurb lines and random scene excerpts. And what its trying to tell us is wonderful but the way its told is not great.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Just as Tim was approaching the school bus, Melinda shouted, "Pam's picking you up today!" Pam is Tim's babysitter. His mother, Melinda, sometimes wanted time alone and to relax. She often hired Pam to look after Tim when school finished until whenever she called for Pam to drop him off. As the yellow school bus drove off, Melinda was interrupted on her way back to the house by her elderly neighbor, Jean Gray. "You 'ought to teach that boy some manners, I hear him cussin' with his friends sometimes, you know". Melinda often got complaints from Jean about Tim doing mischievous things, but he was only 9. Although he looked older because he was extremely tall; just like his father. "Thanks a lot for your concern, Jean", Melinda said, walking back into the house. Melinda was divorced, but preferred to be called single. She made every adjustment necessary to make sure she'd have nothing to do with her ex-husband. She also never let Tim see him. Nobody really knows why Melinda hated her ex-husband with such a passion, not even Tim. All anyone knew was that he was never home, and when he did come home he was always drunk.

Melinda has a few friends in the neighborhood, but nobody she could confide in. She mostly spent all her time with Tim, taking him to soccer games, and movies. She dreaded the time when he'd become a teenager and want to spend all his time his friends. Although Melinda loved her son a lot, she also appreciated her days off when Pam would baby sit Tim after school.

Melinda was regular at 'Milly's Bar" in downtown. She choose that particular bar because it was the shadiest bar she could find. She knew that nobody from her neighborhood would recognize her there. She went by the alias, Fonda Brown. Melinda made sure she made every precaution necessary to protect her identity. "Fonda, how's things going at home base", whispered the black bartender, Milly. He was very thin, in his mid forties, and it was evident he did drugs in the past based the aftermath on his face. He had heroin eyes, but it was well known that he was cleaned up, and took good care of the bar that he inherited from his father. When his father was on his death bed, he gave Milly an ultimatum. Either clean up his act, or forget about inheriting the bar. Fifteen years later, he's been clean ever since, managing the bar, and even, calling it home. Melinda became a frequent customer. She would always whisper to the bartender to not bring any attention to herself ever since she first started coming, and in return, he began whispering back. The whispers became apart of an inside joke between the two. By the end of the night, Milly would typically take Melinda into the back room, and take advantage of her, while she was intoxicated.

Still slightly intoxicated, she jumped into her car and immediately slammed on the gas to pick up Tim. It was nearly 11 PM, and Pam had picked him up at 3:30. This was the latest she'd ever picked up Tim, she was usually really organized. It didn't help that she never carried her cell phone either. She went through every precaution necessary to conceal her identity. While Melinda was trying to put on her sweater, to look suitable for picking up Tim, she noticed a large truck perpendicular to her mini van. She attempted to speed up and turn , but it was too late. The truck had drove completely over the mini van. Melinda died instantly. There wasn't many other cars on the road, since Melinda lived in a little town. The truck driver, that was atleast 6'5, stepped out his truck and another man was with him, in the passenger seat. His pale bald head reflected the moonlight shine, and he looked into the truck at his passenger with a bittersweet smile. The man in the passenger seat shouted "James, oh my god, I can't believe what just happened.. Get back in!" James jumped back into the truck, in shock, and handed his cell phone to the ebony hands beside him. "Hello, can we get an ambulance, a girl.. died.. the truck went over her.. and .. well..", said the passenger in broken sentences. They looked into each others eyes with a sense of bravery. He put his hand on James' knee, and James began driving. They both didn't look back.

The news spread quickly among the city. There was a bunch of missing pieces investigators couldn't put together together , and a lot of unsolved questions. At court the following week, Tim was crying, and Pam was at his side. They were deciding would have custody of Tim, and Pam pleaded to be given full custody. "I know Melinda wouldn't want Tim's dad to take care of him, she hated him! You can't imagine what he did to her!", shouted Pam, while trying to wipe up tears. Tim didn't understand why his mom didn't like his dad, and why he was never allowed to see him. But when Tim saw his dad on the opposite side of the room his eyes brightened. He was sitting beside a lawyer. His dad was crying, like him, and he was asking the judge to keep Tim to live with him. "It's not stated here that Melinda doesn't give consent for Mr. Buller to have custody of Tim in the result of death, and since you are not of relation, Pamela Jenkins, I cannot grant you custody. Therefore, Mr. Buller will now have custody of his son, Tim", said the judge unapologetically. Tim ran to his father, and they hugged. Tim thanked the lawyer while his dad was talking to Pamela, but to Tim's surprise he said "Oh, how cute! I'm not your dad's lawyer, sonny", he looked over to Tim's dad, "James, he thinks I'm your lawyer!" James laughed, and walked towards them while explaining "Tim, how rude of me not to tell you! This is Millard. Millard Buller, he's my partner, and your new dad.. He's been helping me A LOT so we can finally start a family, it's just us boys from now on!"

That's the stuff! I like your enthusiasm about your writing! Let me know when you have made the changes andI'll review it again.

When I read my story too I feel like it's a longer version of the back of the book, I guess I need to work on some different writing techniques or styles. Thanks a lot for your suggestions, I totally agree. I'm editing the story and adding more details right after I post this message.

The Problem

I love the plot. The story, the whole outline is great! However that's what it is right now just a plot. Your piece looks more like a detailed synopsis than a proper engaging story. There is also lack of emotions and you're pretty much telling us rather than showing us.


The Solution

I think you will need to prolong this peice. Give more details, more dialogue, more emotion and description. It's too flat. Flesh it out.
Also avoid butting in to the flow of the story to explain something. Like you did here:

Just as Tim was approaching the school bus, Melinda shouted, "Pam's picking you up today!" Pam is Tim's babysitter. His mother, Melinda, sometimes wanted time alone and to relax. She often hired Pam to look after Tim when school finished until whenever she called for Pam to drop him off. As the yellow school bus drove off, Melinda was interrupted on her way back to the house by her elderly neighbor, Jean Gray.

As the yellow school bus drove off, Melinda was interrupted on her way back to the house by her elderly neighbor, Jean Gray. "You 'ought to teach that boy some manners, I hear him cussin' with his friends sometimes, you know". Melinda often got complaints from Jean about Tim doing mischievous things,