That beautiful sound woke him; the beautiful sound of ringing payals. It was only his instinct to follow it. Follow her. The girl with the misty eyes and a walk as delicate as the jasmine that was incense to the air that night. She led him, her own way, out of the cottage and into the forest. Lost in her sandalwood scented hair, he could do nothing but follow, as if hypnotized by the magician he followed. A magician named Sonjodha.
Around the heat of the glowing light, a story lingered in the air. The story teller, an old man, known by the name of Biju Bhaiya stared intensely into the fire as he began, his listeners staring with the same intensity, but at the man, the man old enough to be their father.
“It was around seventeen years ago. At the step of the hill, in the village of Rakhet lived a girl. The daughter of the village chief, they say, was very beautiful and was in the hearts of every man in the village, married of not. One of them was a mason by the name of Rajkamal. Arrogant as he was, Rajkamal would do anything he could to gain the village beauty. When she would be out in the fields, he would follow her, always trying to make conversation. The girl, not knowing the bad intentions of her new acquaintance, befriended him, which led them to spending a lot of time together. In that time, the mason managed to gain her trust and he took her into the forest. There he did things to her. Things I would be ashamed to mention. After he was done with her, he hit her in the head with a boulder and threw her into the well.”
A long silence followed those last words.
Sonjodha led him, deeper and deeper into the forest, showing no sign of her destination. To question her sense of direction was not a possibility for him. Not a possibility because he was mesmerized by her beauty. Out of all the women he had eyed, which was a ridiculous number, she was the most beautiful he had laid his eyes on. They didn’t stop. Didn’t stop, until they reached their destination. The well.
“You sahibs are from the city and I know you do not believe in these things but it is true. I am old, but my hearing is exceptional, sir.”
“Hearing? What things?” asked one of the men.
Biju Bhaiya hesitated, unsure whether he should continue. The thought of it haunted him.
“She is still there, sahib. Still out there. She wanders around; in the village, the forest, also in the valleys, sir. In the nighttime, when all the lights are out, she wakes, the sound of her payals the only sound below the moonlight. She senses for her next pray, the next man. She leads them into the forest and what happened to her happens to them. The spirit of the girl hunts. The spirit of Sonjodha hunts the Black Hearts.”
This is my first piece. Please comment. Also, a payal is an anklet with heeps of tiny bell on it.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty interesting little legend type of tale. On first glance its a little confusing right now as to what exactly these two separate POV's mean especially because you're just switching back and forth with no warning at all. The premise does seem really cool though. I have to say that.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a very interesting start to a novel right there. Definitely managed to grab my attention right away with that description and it's very intriguing to see how this magician and this girl tie in together.
Okay, without knowing who these listeners our the age description you give isn't very helpful to learning his age but okay.
Whoa that's a lot of emotions packed into those words right there. A truly horrifying act put into a single paragraph. One that unfortunately happens much too often in real life.
A long silence followed those last words.
Okay I now assume that maybe this story is being told by this person because the back and forth is a little confusing to me. I can't quite tell if this is all happening at once or did two stories somehow get mashed into one giant blob here.
Okay so maybe this is happening parallel to the other one. I suppose what you're showing is this legend in action.
I love that...its such a nice storyline. I mean sure its evil in a way but then its also kind of nice that she maybe gets a little payback. Bit conflicted there but then I always love these stories of ghosts that haunt due to the terrible things that were done to them.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall its a pretty well done little short and now that I finally figured out exactly what was going on I think the addition of that other POV is actually a really nice touch. Its definitely adding to the scariness of this and its just a nice extra garnish to this already pretty awesome idea. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry