" When I see him. I feel butterlies inside my stomach. The world slows down and all I can see is his handsome face. Those smiles- those smiles can brighten up my whole day. I can live without food, but I can't live without him." She confess.
I look at her with disbelief, " You're just 8."
" In love, age doesnt matter." She answered with confidence.
" Yeah? And when do you even know about love my little sister." I crossed my hand and smirk at her.
" Duhh!! Everyone knows love my big sister." She answered back with a rolled eyes.
I look at her for I-dont-know how many seconds or minutes it was. She was just looking at me with a confused expression. I recall what she says. Then it all sink in. How I once loved a man so deep that I drown. How I did everything for love that everything fall apart. How I fight for the love I thought was right. How I faked my happiness just to see that smiles through his face. How I die everyday when I see him with another girl. How I cry myself to sleep for months. How I remember him to every little things. How I... How I constantly love him, inspite of everything.
We know sacrifice, anger, flutter, selfishness, selfless, confidence, recklessness, stupidness, hurting and many more feelings one can combine. But..
" .. we didn't know love."
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125,026 Literary Works • 672,884 Reviews
Hi derneeuq, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Jawbreaker.
First of all, I think this is good, but it could be better with a little work. It's funny to me that you chose an 8 year-old to be deeply in love, however, I think it is still realistic. I also love how you made the older sister have a flashback of her first love. That was very clever.
Alrighty, let's get down to the tough stuff!
I can live without food, but I can't live without him." She confess.
Here, you need to change 'confess' to 'confesses'. I saw this happen a few more times throughout your writing that you wil want to fix.
I crossed my hand and smirk at her.
Hand doesn't sound right. You need to change this to, 'I crossed my arms and smirk at her.'
Yeah? And when do you even know about love my little sister." I crossed my hand and smirk at her.
" Duhh!! Everyone knows love my big sister." She answered back with a rolled eyes.
So if you read over to the last part of each sentence, I feel like you are trying to slip in extra information. The endings with the big sister, and little sister, don't go well and they disturb the flow. I would take those two parts out and find/make another place to add them as I feel that, although you've slipped this in as extra information, this information is necessary.
Also, on your paragraph that you have towards the end, I think it could be better. I don't know how to put it but I think you should maybe work on it a bit. It just doesn't flow well to me.
Overall, pretty good job! I think there is certainly room to improve but hey, we're all learning here, right? Keep up to good work and keep writing!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Jawbreaker.
Heya!
Augustus here.
Just like previous reviewer, I also noticed few spelling and grammatical errors here and there.
I'll try to give an honest review and will try to be helpful. So, here it goes:
This story draws a little of my attention in the beginning and I liked the theme, kind of.
But, as the story proceeds I, as a reader kept on losing interest. I found major problem with structure of this piece. Also, I found it incomplete. Few sentences need editing and maybe you need to rewrite them. Like the line below:
Also, the paragraph where elder sister has a flashback of...of her 'story', I saw a lot of unnecessary details and even though sentences were not repeated as such, I find a lack of imaginary and those seemed way too 'normal'. I hope you got, what I wanted to say here.
See, I am not trying to be harsh here and all of the above review is just an advice. Of course, it's your story and you could write it the way you like!
All in all, I would say that it was a nice attempt, but maybe you should focus on editing and structure of this work of yours.
I hope to read more of your work. Good luck, mate
Happy writing
Augustus~
So I did notice that you wrote Butterlies instead of butterflies. Another thing was you have "those smiles" twice. Along with you said "Yeah? And when do you even know about love my little sister?" It's meant to say "Yeah? And how do you even know abut love?" Another thing I noticed was how you said 'I look at her with disbelief.' Change look, to looked. (in two different parts) and you really don't need to hyphenate 'I-dont-know'. also you need to g back and add the apostrophes. 'Then it all sink(ed) in.' Don't forget about the 'ed please. You don't need the 'just' when you said 'She was just looking at me with a confused expression.' Saying 'She was looking at me with a confused expression' will be fine. Other than the mistakes, I found this very cute, on how an 8 year old can be in love with someone. Along with the true statement on how no one really knows love.