I know I'll never forgive myself for it. I can never forget what happened the day I broke you. We were in my kitchen when you kissed me as always, and I hesitated. After asking what was wrong, I finally told you the truth.
"I... I don't feel the connection I used to between us."
You looked at me in disbelief, not saying anything. Tears welled up in my eyes as I said,
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do this anymore."
As you opened your mouth to speak, I saw your entire world shatter, and you collapsed on my kitchen floor, sobbing. Even through your depression, I had never seen you cry before. I knelt down next to you, and broke down, too. You held onto me and sputtered,
"No... baby, please don't do this to me... I love you, I always will." The room began to fill with our sobs.
"I love you too, you're my best friend, but I need to let go," I said.
"But you don't love me the way I love you. I would do anything to make this work. We can fix this, I promise. Just tell me what I did wrong and we can fix it," you desperately pleaded. I knew I was breaking you, and if I had one wish in that moment, it would be to repair what was left of us.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if this can be fixed. You don't realize how much I wish it could be," I sobbed. You still held onto me, refusing to let go of what we had left between us.
"But baby, I love you. please don't do this. I'm nothing without you," you gasped. I felt too guilty to even respond.
As you pinched your wrist, you repeated, "God, this can't be happening. This has to be a nightmare."
I grabbed both of your hands tightly, looked you straight in the eyes, and said,
"This is real, but please promise me you won't harm yourself or relapse. The last thing I want to do is hurt you." You chuckled slightly, because, well, all I had done was hurt you. I broke you into a thousand pieces, and you would never be the same again. The tears never ceased to stop flowing from you as you asked me,
"How am i supposed to live when the best part of my life is gone? I can't imagine a future without you." My sobs became louder as my emotional pain increased. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.
"I'm sorry," I cried, "But I have to let go. I can't keep pretending to feel something that isn't there anymore." You wrapped your arms around me tighter, and I held onto you because I knew you needed it. After a pause I heard you whispering,
"...4...3...2...1..."
and you let go of me.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi, i like your short story, it is very emotional where a women can't live with him anymore and in the end i like the countdown. ""...4...3...2...1..."
and you let go of me." I also like the way you put feelings and emotion inside. And the main character explaining why they can't be together, it was so emotional. So I am really happy to read this and i love it and keep writing. HAPPY WRITING!!!
Thanks!! Happy writing to you as well
Hello demurepoet. RainbowOfGayness here for a review.
First off I just want to say wow . This is very emotional. There is so much crying and sadness. The only things I would like to point out is the I should be capitalized and the correct usage of words. Other than that this is absolutely amazing. The heartbreak in this is captured so perfectly. I hope you continue to post things. I really enjoyed this. Happy writing!!!
Thank you so much!!
This piece is a bit too melodramatic to my taste, particularly the part where the character tells the boyfriend not to kill himself. So far nothing in the story suggested that he would do that. I would put a bit more background to evolve the story of the characters.
Besides, adding capital letters would really help this piece to appear more serious.
Thanks for the advice.
This piece is a bit too melodramatic to my taste, particularly the part where the character tells the boyfriend not to kill himself. So far nothing in the story suggested that he would do that. I would put a bit more background to evolve the story of the characters.
Besides, adding capital letters would really help this piece to appear more serious.
Hello there, Luata here for a review. First of all, it is obvious this is a very heartfelt work so I apologize in advance if I come across cold or far too nitpicky. This is a review, so take or leave all suggestions. I'll start with grammar and advance from there, so onward and upward!
Allow me to rephrase this so it reads a bit smoother. Once more, these are only suggestions, take or leave them. I would rewrite as follows: I know I'll never forgive myself, and I know I will never forget what happened the day I broke up with you. We were in my kitchen when it happened, because you kissed me and I hesitated. You asked what was wrong and I finally told you what had been weighing on me.
If you don't want to rephrase it, I would fix your grammar errors [error fixes in red] as follows: I know I'll never forgive myself for it. I can never forget what happened the day I broke up with you. We were in my kitchen we it started. You kissed me and I hesitated. After asking what was wrong, I finally told you the truth .
Okay, first off, I is capitalized. Not going to correct that anymore in this review, but please, fix that. I would also work on spacing/formatting, this whole work reads a bit oddly due to your spacing. Second off, knelt not kneeled .
Other than that, it is a pretty good work, aside from the obvious grammar errors, so please, take some time to fix those.
Write on
~Luata
Thanks for your suggestions! I'll take them into consideration and definietly fix the grammatical and spacing issues- I had some computer problems when posting this and it didn't come out as I had anticipated.
This was amazing!! I could totally feel the emotion through the whole story, and it felt so real! I loved the ending, it was a perfect closure.
Just a few things that could use some work: There's some sentences that need capitols. Also, there are some sentences that could use a few different punctuation.
Over all your story was great! I was sad that it was over and wished there was more =C
Hopefully this helped a little and I hope to read more of your talented work!
M
Thank you so much!! I actually have a continuation of the story that I haven't posted on here yet since I didn't finish it completely. If you're interested I can post it when I'm done.
Oh my goodness!!!! That would be awesome!
This was a really sad story, and something I can actually relate to in some ways. I like the emotion you used here, and how you conveyed your character's thoughts and feelings to us so well, but without blowing things out of proportion or too dramatic. They were spot on - just as they should be, I think. It seems as though you may have gone through what you're describing, and feels so... close that it almost reads as something that happened to you directly. If so, I know it must have been such a hard thing to do, letting go of a person so dear. It sounds almost exactly what happened to me, actually... just with me as the guy, of course. Lol I loved how you wrote this.
Now lets see what I can find here.
Firstly, this piece needs a few hours of work for proper punctuation - particularly where the beginning of the sentence comes in. Remember: beginning of a sentence always, always gets a capital letter. Also, unless you're doing poetry (then it's however you want), you must capitalize your I's! Don't forget. Do that to this piece and it'll look so much better and you'll get more readers, too. Editing things like that make pieces easier to read, as there's less for the reader to trip on as they go through it.
Period - no dash at the end.
Put that in one paragraph! They flow beautifully with each other, and will support each other instead of crippling the flow of the piece, separated when they should be read together. c:
Same as before. Put these together. Also, you could reverse the places of the two parts so it'd read more like: This has to be a nightmare," you repeated. That'd flow even better.
That description has been used too many times, and has become a cliche. Avoid using "glassy" when describing eyes. Actually, after reading this over twice... I'd not describe his eyes at all, not even a little bit. The impression I get from this is you describing the emotions of the characters, building the image of that up for the reader instead of the environment around them. With how short this is, and how precise you write it, avoid material description works perfectly. I found myself not missing anything as I clung to what you gave us of their emotions. So you're doing wonderful there, and in my opinion, you don't need to describe his eyes. Just saying "his eyes filled with tears" is sufficient, I think.
I'm going to leave you with what I've given you here. It's enough for you to work with. I hope you do edit this piece, especially capitalizing the I's and beginning of sentences. It'll make everything read so much easier. c:
I loved this! It felt very close to me, and it was a wonderful read.
Keep it up. :3
~Darth Timmyjake In Training
Thanks for your comments! This actually did happen to me and it was a really difficult experience. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar
I hope you're alright, but if you ever need to talk I'm here 
It happened about three years ago, and this wonderful girl came along about six months ago, so I'm doing amazing right now.
But, yeah.... Those are always difficult things to go through.
It happened about three years ago, and this wonderful girl came along about six months ago, so I'm doing amazing right now.
But, yeah.... Those are always difficult things to go through.
Aww well I'm glad to hear you're happy. In my case, after I wrote the story, my boyfriend and I ended up getting back together after a lot of hard work on both of our parts. When I let go of him I felt like something was missing, and he eventually forgave me for all that happened
But I hope you and your girlfriend are well, it's great that you found someone new