Published December 2, 2011
Oceans happiness,
Will not last,
But yet I ponder,
Why so fast?
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139,677 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hey, demib!
I do like this poem a lot. But it is still lacking in the wholesomeness of it. You see, you are talking about the Ocean's happiness and I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. Is it literal or metaphorical? And if either, what is there that connects it to the reader? I'm trying hard to be profound by this yet I find myself more confused towards its meaning entirely.
If you were talking about the ocean as a subject, you could have delved deeper into the context. You could have added perhaps 2 more lines. You could have related the happiness to the rise and ebbing of the tides which like the happiness, rise up magnificently and suddenly fall too fast. That was just an example (a very poor one, I'm sorry). So there is some description lacking to give the poem more depth.
In keeping it really short, you must also remember that you need to have some consistent purpose that carries on the lines of the poem. If not, then it becomes too cryptic for the reader. And in this case it's down-right frustrating since the language is so simple but the reason behind the lines isn't really clear.
Despite it all, you've got talent and I'm looking forward to reading more. Keep the ink flowing
Murtuza
To be perfectly honest, this poem doesn't make much sense. Part of it has to do with the punctuation, and part of it with how this is so short, there's no transition between ideas, and no significance attached to them.
Short poems can be extremely effective, such as this piece by AquaMarine:
However, in this poem's case, the lack of coherence works against any meaning or impact it could have.
As it is, I really can't see a way of making this poem better without expanding it. Another thing you might consider is trying to rewrite it without a rhyme. Writing a good short poem is already difficult enough; there's no need to add another constraint like rhyming to make things more difficult.
Try asking yourself the questions of why the narrator wonders why "it" (which is unclear at the moment) won't last, and why it disappears so fast. You might find that answering them in the poem develops it more, making for a stronger piece.
Hi, first off, welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy it here!
Now, just saying, isn't this a bit too short for anyone to review? I'm sorry to be so harsh, but yeah. Also, please capitalize "i".
I am pretty sure, this is just me, but, I don't quite understand this poem.
1. Ocean's happiness*, not Oceans happiness.
2. The "why do fast?" line kind of kills the poem. It doesn't make sense. If you are trying to get the poem to rhyme, you do know that not all poems have to rhyme, right?
So, do this, and try making the poem a little longer, and then perhaps I might find out what the poem is supposed to mean. If you need anything, feel free to wallpost me or PM me.
Keep writing,
TwistedMuffins.