This story was generally made in a language I made up. Im going to give you a little bit of the story. PLEASE comment on this story telling me what I should fix and whether or not I should continue this story. :)
Shadows whirl around me , screams of agony exploding in my head like never-ending pieces of dynamite.
"Shut up!" I bellowed, sweeping my hands over the hoarde of enemies, killing them as easily as you can squash a broken winged fly. Smiling creepily, I curl my hands into half-fists, willing the scattered bodies around me, into zombies and skeletons. Ordering a single command into their puny little deranged minds.
Kill everyone in site.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...well this is a very powerful passage here...it looks to be depicting someone that appears to be commanding this undead army of sorts and to create said undead army, this one appears to have just committed a bit of genocide right there by wiping out all of the enemies in second there. You definitely get a sense that this is a really powerful being that you definitely do not want to mess with and not mention they seem to have little care for the value of a life and are ruthless in killing of everyone that opposes them.
Overall, I think you've managed to create a positively terrifying start with the way that things are moving here in this prologue and you can certainly tell this is going to be a story with some steep odds judging by how casually so many people are killed off. It definitely peaked my interest enough that it seems like something that I'd certainly read more of at any rate. I especially loved that last line, which just perfectly ends on the most horrifying note possible. You may want to change site to sight there though.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, Up&Out here!
I wanna start by saying that the mention of this being written in a language you made up was really interesting to me. I've actually done that before and even started writing one in Spanish, which is not my native tongue.
Down to the review though.
I really liked this, but I feel as though you should just start with the italicized part. That way, you're beginning right in the middle of the action, even if it isn't where the actual story starts off. The part above it is interesting, but more telling than it is showing.
I'm also a little confused. This is the epilogue? It seems more like a prologue or preface to me. An epilogue should be a conclusion, or the tying in to the story before it to something after (if there happens to be a sequel).
Either way, this is very interesting and you could definitely count me in as a regular reader if you were to post the rest of it online.
Keep writing!
oops sorry my mistake. the part in italics is a vision she had before we go into the real action.