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Roberto & the Defeat of the Evil Borge of The Golden Kingdom

by delta121

Roberto & the defeat of the Evil Borge of the Golden Kingdom

Roberto & the defeat of the Evil Borge of the Golden Kingdom

Robert & the Deafeat of the Evil Borge of the Golden Kingdom

Delta M. Hawkins A.K.A. Shannon m. Hawkins

Roberto & the Defeat of the Evil Borg of the Golden Kingdom

By Shannon Hawkins aka Delta Michelle Hawkins

Copywright on February 6, 2015 by Shannon m. Hawkins

Decaited in Loving memory

To My deceased Grandparents Gaylord Roger Cartwright known as Hoss Cartwright & Aubrey Dwayne Montgomery, my grandmas Dorothy Nichols, & Joyce Montgomery

Roberto loved the stories of the past and present stories that Shanle told him every day. He didn't know the present stories were about him. One night his mother came to him in a dream. Gave him a message. And an elf princess form one of the elfish kingdoms also came to him in a dream.

She gave him a wand through her magical powers through the dream. Then there was a blinding light and sparks and his bedroom. And he woke up as he woke up he pointed his finger at his candle next to his bed and, said “Fire light the wick of the candle.”

The wick of the candle flickered and grew strong of light. Then he woke up Shanle his guardian. And told him what all had happened. Then

the older magician as he whispered “the Prophecy is coming true.”

He taught Roberto all he had learned through his years of being a magician. Roberto carved a wooden stave with some of the spells he was taught.

As he was walking one day through the magical woods of Leved. He spotted a huge palace. As he was thinking this is where I must have been born. A blackish green mist was creeping slowly up behind him.

In a gruesome and crackling voice it said “I am the one that killed your dear mother Victoria. I took her last breath when she wouldn’t tell me where she hid you.”

Then the battle begins a green light hits the white light and a flash appears. And it stays until Roberto remembers the message his mother tells him in his dream.

He said to himself mentally I demand you to be gone and be banished to your own kingdom and never return to any other kingdom. As he finish this in his head.

The Evil Borge exclaims”Nooooooooo”!!! And vanishes. So as the people of

The Golden Kingdom learns that the prophecy has come true. They all rejoice and gather and front of the palace and thorough the market.

As Roberto walks through path of Lilacs he has a surprise. When he reaches the kingdom Shanle is already in the palace throne room holding a jeweled crown awaiting his coronation.

He goes to the balcony of the throne room and is crowned and now he is the righteous ruler. And the people rejoiced and had a surprise throughout night there were magical fireworks.

This is my second book. this is what I looked like now will be losing weight I’m working on it . My birthday is on Friday the 13th of March I will be 24 years old.

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22 Reviews

Points: 442
Reviews: 22

Fri Jan 27, 2023 10:08 am
yamatri wrote a review...

hey so I am here for the review
so let's start from the beginning , you have little grammar mistakes , but that's not very much of a big deal, you can always use Grammarly app to correct them , some of them are

= Roberto loved the stories of the past and present stories

you have used the word story twice , only one time is enough

=And an elf princess form

its from not form

= And he woke up as he woke up


=his finger at his candle next to his bed

no need for 3 his


=woke up Shanle his guardian. And told him what all had happened. Then

woke his guardian up and told him all that had happened


=the older magician as he whispered

the older magician whispered or if you want to use ( as he) you have to add what was happening with the magician speaking


These are some of the grammar mistakes, I will not point out all of them but like I said in the beginning grammar is not the biggest problem with this story.

the main problem is that it has no structure of a story, there is no pace of how things are taking place everything is happening suddenly, there is no clear description of what is happening or where it's happening.

it might sound harsh, but this story doesn't feel like a story it seems more like a summary of a movie that a child is explaining.

I suppose Eng is not your first language so don't worry about the grammar and sentences mistake with time this will improve.

and for the story structure and writing I suggest you read first, read as much books as you can , if you want to write a fantasy story then read fantasy books, and read with open mind don't belittle yourself for not understanding some of the sentences or things , try small and easy ones first build your confidence and then try hard books ,read them and look how they explaining a situation, how the writers of the books introduces the character , how they change scene how they describe the emotion of the characters , read and make notes about it then use it yourself when writing, it won't be easy but with practice you will become the best version of yourself

don't lose confidence, masters have failed more times beginner has ever tried.
So keep writing.

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205 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 205

Sun Jan 26, 2014 3:18 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...

First off, this review might be a little critical of your work, but don't take it the wrong way, I'm not being mean, I'm just giving an honest review.

The subject matter was interesting. But that's about where the interesting parts stopped.

"There was once upon a time a wealthy and fruitful land. And on this land there lived a magician prince. Who lived hidden on a farm in the valley. With a older magician named Shanle."

Right from the beginning, I was turned off. Your sentence struck is all blocky and square. not literally, but there's no descriptive language here about the "wealthy and fruitful land," no talk about the wizard. It's just, "there was this, and then this, and then this happened, and then the end." I was uninterested, because there was nothing to be interested in.

It would help your story a lot, which has a lot of potential, if you went through and tried to create some poetry with your words by explaining things in a cool way, rather than just bluntly stating it.

Hoped this helped.

Thank you delta121!

User avatar
285 Reviews

Points: 237
Reviews: 285

Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:12 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...

Hello, GreenTulip is here to leave a review for you.

So as I reading, it got to the point I HAD to stop reading, because of the sentence structure. The sentences weren't really sentences, and the phrasing of them made no sense.


There was once upon a time a wealthy and fruitful land. And on this land there lived a magician prince. Who lived hidden on a farm in the valley. With a older magician named Shanle.

I would fix this as:
Once upon a time, there war a fruitful and wealthy land. A magician prince, made his home on this land. He lived hidden in the valley, on a farm- with only an older magician named Shanle for company.
~This way it makes more sense, and it's not as forced out.

Work on sentence formatting is all I have to tell you.

~From the Reviewing Station of GreenTulip.

"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester