The Neighbor-Intro

It was late and the darkness blinded me; I worked silently and quickly. The heap of crumpled blankets and curled pillows were aligned perfectly, I tugged the comforter over the collection of balled items. I adjusted the pile and continued to my door quietly, stepping lightly so that my dog wouldn't wake. I took the deep lavender towel and arranged it flat against the door, covering the crevasse. It was late, too quiet, to turn on the lights. Finally, I tip toed to my window, this was the most complex part. I laid my left hand across the length of the screen, careful not to bang it against the metal window pane, and then I proceeded to twist the small latches on the four corners of the screen. I could feel my anxiety building as I took the screen off. I concealed the screen inside of my closet, then, I was ready.

I posed everything in my room. I thought I was ready, but I was too fidgety, so I double checked in my mind. The mound or blankets on my bed, looked as if I was in it, check, the towel against the door, so I'd know if anyone entered my room while I was away, check, and the screen tucked away in the closet, check. I looked at the shadowed reflection of myself, I think I look alright. I tucked my cell phone into my bra and put on a pair of socks, for soundless steps. I am ready. I hoisted myself up, one leg extended open and out of the window, the other, still inside. I concentrated, holding my balance as i lifted myself and followed the movement with my other leg. My feet felt the damp dirt beneath me and I arranged the white curtains closed. I hope this works.

I escaped alas. I started across my grass sufficiently fast, crunching on the crisp leaves and random twigs. I took to crossing the street, which was clear of cars and life. Once I crossed, I noticed the beating of my heart increasing and nervous sweats also developing a little. I repeated to myself to calm down but my antsy mind wouldn't rest. I passed two houses, the sky was dark and clear and the air was fresh and stimulating. There were three cars in the driveway of the house of my destination, the mix of shadow and light laid across them. There was one broken down Honda, a towering fourteen-seater coal colored van and a red, used truck with a latter sitting in the bed. I passed the cars to the side of the house, which was a lengthy, ill-lighted hall with a beige gate at the end. When I reached the gate, I followed the previous instructions and pushed it open effortlessly. The gate creaked, which spiked intensity through me, I paused. When nothing happened for the brief moment, I advanced inside. There were multitudes of trash cans and only a small stench. I avoided tripping on some toys scattered and then I stepped in a puddle. Great. I tried to ignore the sopping area beneath my foot as I stepped cautiously through the waste bins. I was subtle, almost burglar like.

When I reached the corner, I stepped into cool grass. Then, I beheld him. He waved to me to come to him, my heart picked up again and I proceeded towards him, secretly excited. His name was Isaiah, he's my neighbor. He was garbed in pajama pants with a picnic table cloth pattern, gray and dark gray squares. His top was a black tank top, I could see his white, fit arms. When I approached him, he stood close to me, "follow me." There were silky, transparent curtains blowing softly at the door, I listened to his alluring request and followed him, stepping through the open sliding glass door. I wore only socks purposely, my steps against the hardwood floor were soundless and smooth, but one foot uncomfortable from the puddle I met. The inside of the house had dim light and high ceilings, it was an adventure to me. I could hear only the sound of fans blowing throughout the house. "Is it safe here?" I questioned Isaiah when he lead me to the couch. He leaned close, "I think so. I'll go check."

I sat at a long sofa which was against the wall, there was another sofa next to mine, facing the television unit. The TV was adjacent to my couch and there was a large area rug on the floor between them. I couldn't help but explore the room, the house, with my eyes. I felt slightly guilty when I spotted the row of photos of his younger brothers and sisters. Isaiah returned to me. Random, intimidating, noises would occur but Isaiah was reassuring, "the house just makes a lot of noises by itself." "You're sure they won't come out?" I worried. "Yeah," he instantly responded before leaning in to kiss me.

Comments & reviews · 10
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delilahlovve
Comment

To Jenn:
Thank you, I will be sure to read you’re works.
To Addawen19:
Thank you for you’re critique. I try to be a descriptive writer, so I may veer into just telling what’s happening, creatively. I described actions too much? Could you expand on that, because I’ll be sure to edit. Thanks.

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Addawen19
Review

Hey there Deliliah,
Haha, makes me think of that song by the Plain White T's.
Let's get down to business shall we?
Ok, now I'm going to be frank, your story is good, the whole sneaking out to be with the guy you like is great, very nice, but I thought that you described her actions way, way too much, it was like you were telling her actions play by play, and really readers want to be shown not the other way around, well in my case I like to be shown not told.
Other than that, your grammer was fine, that's my biggest issue, your story developed nicely can't wait to see what happens next, do they get caught or not? Oh! I really had never thought of the whole towel by the door action, that is really nifty, I might have to try that sometime.
Really great job!
Addawen.

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hockeyfan87
Comment

It was really good and looked like a real author wrote it...I was honored to read it and would be honored if you would read mine and edit it and help me improve. I can't wait to read more!!!
--Jenn

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SisterItaly
Review

renttwin12 wrote:I like it :) PM me when you post more! keep up the good work!

~Rent :)

She doesn't have to PM you, just subscribe to this novel and check your notifications, or follow her and check your feed.

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renttwin12
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I like it :) PM me when you post more! keep up the good work!

~Rent :)

I really like the descriptiveness of your writing. I can see the setting, the characters, everything clearly thanks to your abundance of adjectives! yay!
I believe that there are a couple of grammatical errors though. Your first two lines I think are technically incorrect because you can't join two complete sentences i.e. "It was late and the darkness blinded me" and "I worked silently and quickly" with a comma. Since both could stand on their own I think that they should be combined by a semicolon. Be aware this mistake occurs throughout your paper!
Also the sentence "It was late, too quiet, to turn on the lights" doesn't make sense to me. Did you mean that it was too quiet or too late to turn on the lights?
I think that most of the second paragraph may not be necessary. Thanks to your amazing describing abilities the reader understands why the character set up the room as she did. No additional explanation necessary from you!
The sentence "I escaped alas" doesn't match the writing style that you used earlier. I like the modern day language a lot, and I really don't think the switch to old English adds anything to the story. Same goes for the phrase "I beheld him".
I think that "inconsiderately" might not be the word you were looking for in the sentence "I felt inconsiderately guilty". According to my good friend Merriam Webster, inconsiderate means thoughtless or heedless which your kind character doesn't seem to be at all.
Over all, I really liked your story though. Definitely keep up the writing. It's really captivating!

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delilahlovve
Comment

Thanks guys for the input, I'll be sure to write more soon.

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theotherone
Review

Hi there,

The grammar seems pretty fine, except for the occasional typo's.

There were three cars in the driveway of the house of my destination, the mix of shadow#FF0000 ">s and light laid across them.


Apart from that one, I think your pretty good!

The plot seems really interesting. It is cliche, with the forbidden love and all, but that's what we like, right? No matter how many times we read those, it's still intriguing and we want to know more. I sure want to read more! Hope you post some more soon. Keep writing, because you do write really beautifully.

-Other One

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xBoyCrazieeXXXF Comment

This is really really good. I loved how you described everything and it looks like a real writer has written it. I can't wait to read more. Great job. Please continue soon.



Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell