Man made carbon emissions are real;
the friction between feet and dirt
melt the homes of penguins,
polar bears, and dead hitchhikers
from a hundred years ago.
The thought of ghosts was always funny;
hanging over your head like a mistletoe
or a mutilated limb,
regret and naivity at its pique.
Rocks hit the window
and guitar strings get cut;
we'll curse each other's names
lying in bed at 4 AM,
cold soup on the nightstand.
The oo's and ah's echo as
the world gets cold,
cramped in a park's slide
making a soft piano tune
in the middle of night.
The feeling of heat
left its sloppy seconds.
We(i) bought a grave plot
with a lifetime warranty,
but as our feet hang over
the empty pit, the words
don't you haunt me
are muttered.
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139,781 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Wow, this is a really good poem! Even though it doesn't rhyme, I think the poem still flows very smoothly and each topic that's touched upon is well written and has lots of meaning behind it. There's just one thing I don't understand though...the title. I'm probably being a massive idiot right now, and I'm probably offending you or pissing you off, but I don't understand why the poem is name "Whales". Other than that, the piece is great. I think there are a few mistakes like capitalizing the "i" in the final stanza and maybe put some "" around don't you haunt me, but other than that, this is a great poem.
I recommend doing your next poem on rowing boats....Don't actually though,
RowMahBoat
Comment on this in like 5 hours so i remember to come back and review this c:
Has it been five hours
Hey Stranger,
I liked this one better than the last one I reviewed of yours. I think it has better flow.
I really think that you need to work on getting a little more emotion into the work. I say this because I now that you can do it, not because it doesn't have emotion. Your poetry has emotion, but it's still lacking something. For example, when you're talking about the "soft piano tune" I want to be able to feel what that means to your speaker instead of just hear it. I want to be able to really get into their head. "the feeling of heat" doesn't mean much, but if you give me a metaphor with something I can relate to, like a hot seat on a bus, then I'm going to have a lot better feeling from the poem. That's probably the only thing that I really have to say right now.
-I almost forgot to review tonight.
Overall, I like what you did with We[i] and the threatening words. Your poem is still humours edging towards cynical which is a perfect tone for you. Keep it up, just try to make things pop a little more with metaphor.