Published January 14, 2015
It's summer and I'm screaming Hemingway quotes
whilst the sun is slowly burning my skin,
contacting cancer
and deteriorating my vision.
Neighbors aren't happy
that an adolescent boy is screaming
pointlessly at the sky
aiming for the stars
that aren't there.
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139,783 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
2 p4nk 4 I
Hey! CHRISSY here with a review!
It does suit your username! Ok, now for some fixing:
Ok first off, Why the name, what gave you this idea? I find this very.... different!
" contacting cancer "
I agree with @1morestupidlovesong: It would be better to use the word "Contracting"
(It suits the work better, and makes more sense)
Ok, I also feel that that it is sad for the boy, yelling at the stars (that are not there)
I feel bad for him.
Overall the poem is not bad, but is kinda random and confusing. Sorry, but that is just my opinion!
Congrats on making the spotlight!
Okay I really like this and I kind of want it every where so it's going to be stuck in Favorite YWS poems for safe keeping, yeah?
Keep up the good work.
But, first, let's dance.
1. I don't like how it starts out in first person, and kind of fades away from it by the second stanza. It's still technically first person, but it doesn't feel the same, because you switch from him talking about himself to talking about how the neighbors feel. For this poem, I'd switch it all together to third person. It works so well in the second stanza, and is a very simple switch for the first.
2. "contacting cancer" is just a strange line to me. Quickly followed by 'and deteriorating my vision' which is clunky and awkward.
3. The, before neighbors to make everything balanced I think.
But overall, I like it. I like the theme, I like the concept, I like the way you've written it. The simple language is powerful and it's written in a way that everyone can relate. And believe me when I say this, it's very rare I give any praise in my reviews anymore, so you're very lucky.
Hi Strange,
Just a couple of suggestions for you.
I believe that would be the more sensible word choice for that line, though it's honestly up to you.
Yes, the italics give it emphasis but, as I often feel about italics, the words have enough impact on their own, especially double entered below the rest of the words. I advise just typing them in normal script.
The title? Do you mind explaining it?
In the first and second paragraph, you repeat screaming. Maybe try using a different verb for one of them, just to avoid the repetition?
This was brief and left me with a sense of desperation and vague claustrophobia. Whatever your intended effect was, I'm not sure quite what to think of this. Honestly, it wasn't very powerful to me.
I did think this was short and sweet, however, and I particularly enjoyed this line:
Good job.
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing.
+1