Published April 1, 2014
Eventually we learn,
We can't be young forever.
Our plans become more careful,
No longer being clever.
From this point on,
Life becomes fast.
We have to enjoy it,
While it lasts.
Five years from now,
We'll be hundreds of miles away.
Memories of our time,
Begin to fade.
I won't forget,
I'll hold on.
I'll be waiting,
Until we meet again.
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139,783 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Strange,
Quick comment from me really. I wasn't sure if you realised it but you had actually begun to rhyme in this poem, before the structure was lost again. Examples are end rhyme in 'smile' then 'awhile' and then in the next stanza, you near rhyme with 'forever' and 'clever'. I found it somewhat jarring for a rhyme scheme to be struck up (however accidental it might have been on your part) only to be abandoned again.
Other than that I'd comment that the sentiment seemed a little flat and unfeeling, but not overly. The title made me expect rich language so I ended up feeling a little... disappointed maybe.
Thanks for the read, and good luck with future drafts!
MM
Hi there, LGF here for a quick review.
This was a neat little poem, bittersweet and haunting yet it has a light tone at the end with 'Until we meet again.' which makes it seem like you'll meet and fall in love again. Anyway, I liked the imagery and that it was a short and sweet, and you picked your words carefully and well.
It's honest and bittersweet, though I didn't think it would be like that when I read the first line (I thought it would be sappy/lovey-dovey) but it turned out to be a thoughtful piece about losing youth and time.
Nitpicks;
Only if she knew,
This line sounds strange, maybe change it to 'If only she knew.'
Our plans become more careful,
No longer being clever.
This isn't a nitpick, just admiring your imagery, because this is my favourite line.
Overall I think it was a really interesting poem, short and sweet and very well written. Thanks for posting!
LGF
This is quite interesting. I found it an amusing piece given the fact that it carries with it an inevitable truth concerning the concept of time and life. I do love the simplicity of the piece as it makes it very easy for readers to relate with the subject matter. The voice of the piece seemed to emit an atmosphere of silent resignation to an unchangeable fact of life embraced with eager expectation; no matter how little. There isn't much imagery going on which is understandable as in my opinion your poem focuses more on expressing a truth.
Overall, the piece is gentle and its message sits smugly in the minds of readers.
Tend your flame...
Hi there, Strange. My name is Scarlett and I'll be review your poem this afternoon.
Awwww, this is a bittersweet little poem, ain't it? I love how you start it off, then you slowly show us snippets of their life as they grow older. It's an interesting image, and a sort of bitter, lovely one. I really do like the imagery. Your flow is pretty good, a little hitched in places but if it works, it works. I have a few nitpicks, but I shall point those out in a moment.
I really like how you've started, as I said before, and I like how you then move on from moment to moment in each stanza. I really liked this stanza;
That's the kind of mentality some of us have, between about 13/14 and our late 20s. We think we're young and invincible, that'll be be young forever, but it's not true, is it? This is where it turns bittersweet. We've got fond memories of being young and silly, but then there comes a day when we've got to grow up. So sad.
And then there's that last stanza, where it seems like the narrator is telling the girl he/she is remembering that he/she is willing to wait however long it is until they meet again. This is a very, very sad image. What if they never meet again? What if they do and the girl doesn't remember him/her? What if she hates him/her? Oh, my! We may never know! (I think you ended well, though you could probably do another poem that's about them meeting again. That's be cool, yeah? Just a suggestion! Feel free to ignore me. ^^)
Now, nitpicks. I'm pretty sure "awhile" is meant to be "a while". Also "only if" is a little awkward. I tend to use "if only", but it's really up to you how you want to write the poem. After all, these are only suggestions and you're quite welcome to ignore them. ^^ I agree with the review below me about "begin" to "beginning". I've noticed you seem to switch tenses half-way through the poem. Try to keep your tenses consistent, otherwise you'll have your readers scratching their heads and going "what", if you know what I mean. So, yeah, that's about all the crit and advice I have for you. I'm definitely going to like the poem after I'm done with this review.
So...thank you for the poetry and remember: Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
I love this poem, really and truly and honestly: Great work!
The last two stanzas were brilliant, but there were certain lines that put off the entire flow and rhythm.
"We'll be hundreds of miles away."
And then its rhyming line
"Begin to fade."
Well, it just seems that first line is too long, or the last line is too short.
I suggest changing "Begin to fade." to "Beginning to fade." That way, I believe the rhythm will stay consistent.
The last stanza.. has no rhyme.. or barely a rhyme. I wonder why? Perhaps if you meant for it to rhyme, use different words. Or if there's some symbolism you can find, then can you explain it to me?
Thanks, and keep writing! It's a wonderful idea with wonderful thoughts, so don't let my critique get you down!