Published October 14, 2014
Sometimes,
I reach up to the sky.
I attempt to touch the stars
and achieve something in life.
Sometimes,
I try to part the sea.
Slamming a cane
as the water touches my feet.
Sometimes,
J.C are my initials.
They really aren't,
because a name change would make it official.
Sometimes,
I mix water and wine.
Trying to make water disappear
and pretend everything's fine.
Rarely,
do I care about the three month old bread.
Or the mold on the dishes,
or the bird in my backyard which I'm pretty sure is dead.
Always,
I try.
I won't ever stop
until I actually die.
Never,
do I achieve.
But I always wish,
and I always reach.
One thing I always do
is sleep.
It takes away my worries for 6-14 hours,
and it lets me dream.
I'm just a man
with an Achilles heel.
But I do what I can
to make a miracle.
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139,783 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Wow. At first I thought I was getting where what you meant, but as usually happens with poems, it took a turn and I had to try harder to understand your meaning behind your words. But that last stanza, wow. Just wow. The last stanza is my favorite of the poem, and it makes some things in the poem clearer.
At first, I would have said that poems follow normal punctuation rules, which they do/are supposed to, but the comma that you put after the first line of almost all the stanzas shows a certain consistency that makes the poem flow better than it would without the commas.
Religion is extremely important to me. I'm a Christian, and this poem was very intriguing to me. This man (sorry if it's not a man, that's just what I pictured) is trying to achieve something, perhaps to prove himself. He just wants to accomplish something. In my mind, the guy went from trying to be Jesus, to having the initials "J.C." because Jesus is and always will be in us if we accept him. We can take on his personality (or at least we can try) and that thing that allows us is the Holy Spirit. I'm starting to think the miracles in this represent other simpler things we can actually do to help this earth, like volunteer or just be there for a friend. And either way he's obviously failing, but what matters is that he won't give up the hope. He wants to do something.
Last but not least, in the line "It takes away my worries for 6-14 hours," the six and fourteen should be spelled, not in the number form. I realize that that will make that line uber long, so maybe you'll have to adjust that stanza to that.
Splendid poem, and thanks for sharing your art with YWS
Okay so I'm back, after pondering.
I think I liked this poem. Sometimes it's so hard to tell.
I like what you did with the sometimes/rarely/always kind of thing. It reminds me of those tests or surveys you take where they give you the spectrum. I don't know if this was what you were intending, but it's what I got out of it. It made me wonder about the connection between that and your subject. When I thought about that, I was reminded of my early-morning seminary class, where we take these tests, and part of it includes a survey that has the spectrum on it. It was an interesting thing to think about, though not relevant to this review. sorry.
So I see all the scriptural references in this: you had like one per stanza, but I didn't see one in stanzas 1, 7, or 8. Maybe I'm just missing something? Or maybe you didn't put one in those stanzas, which is fine too, but I think it would be really cool if you did have one in each. Maybe.
Also, I'm not sure how Achilles fits into this.
I like how even if you didn't know any christian scriptures, this could still make sense. AND it would have super cool imagery. I really actually love the imagery in this when taken out of scriptural context, and I like the way you presented it.
This seems kind of cliche to me, but it also tells me what the poem is actually about, so I'm conflicted. Maybe you could reword it so it's not cliche?
All the scripture references in here point to Jesus except for the one which is about Moses. I think some consistency would be nice, so maybe you could add another story or two from the old testament, like maybe Job or Jonah or Abraham etc. to make it so that Moses's stanza doesn't stick out too much.
The grammar in this line seemed awkward to me, and the content of it didn't make much sense.
Anywho, great job,
Keep writing. ^-^
~fortis
Hey! Here to review.
I really liked the idea of this poem and the way repetiton is used (sometimes, rarely, always, never), it's BRILLIANT. Sometimes,
"I reach up to the sky.
I attempt to touch the stars
and achieve something in life.
Sometimes,
I try to part the sea.
Slamming a cane
as the water touches my feet." are my favorite lines!
I'm a bit confused though, about some of the verses and their meaning (They really aren't,
because a name change would make it official.)
It's very easy to understand and I love that!
Amazing job.
hm. interesting inclusion of religion...
I think I liked it. I will ponder some more.
this is actually very good
i dont usualy like poems but this one is really really good
Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, rarely, always, never.
MIRACLES.
: )
Hey there! I am here to review this wonderful poem~ Man... I love this so much! I like the way you kept repeating sometimes, and enjoyed it even more when you transitioned to other words! I am happy you didn't put punctuation everywhere, something I appreciate as a reader! In addition, I loved the way you flowed from topic to topic, showing your thoughts and what you believed as the poem went on. Now on to errors, I didn't see any mistakes, but I will say this: check over this at least once! Believe me, that helps a lot when editing! I have to say I'm a little confused by the the last two stanzas, since they didn't follow the pattern of the other stanzas; they missed the repetition of a single word. They were still good, but I would want to know if you put that on purpose, and for what reason. Besides that, I enjoyed everything else, and didn't see anything else that struck me as must change! You're a great writer, you know! I gotta read your other works, huh? Will do soon! Alright, to sum things up, beautiful work, and great message! I love this so much~ Thanks for writing this, and have a great day!
Love,
PerksOfBeingAReader a.k.a. Katie