Published January 16, 2009
Chapter 1
Jackson was like any other orphan. He had lost his parents when he was five and had been in the orphanage ever since. He hated it there; he had ever since he was a little boy. He had been planning to run away when he was older. Now it was time. He was 12 and was quite good at running. He would go out after he got done with his homework and would just run. He liked how the wind would blast against his face and make his brown hair fly. He felt so free. Until he came to the gates around the orphanage. Then his freedom ended. It wouldn’t happen this time; he was going to escape. He had searched around the orphanage ever since he was six years old and knew all of the secrets. He could get to the attic, a place where only the staff knew about and were allowed. He knew every exit route out of the orphanage and had many exits he had found. But not all of this hard work would be for himself; no, it was for others to follow in his footsteps. All they had to do was plan. Jackson already did that, for tonight would be a perfect night.
Just then, the dinner bell rang, ending Jackson’s scheming. He walked down the stairs to the cafeteria. He was always there early. Today’s meal looked vile. It was warm macaroni with sliced up hotdogs. The lunch servers plopped a steaming heap of it onto his tray and Jackson went to go find a seat. He sat next to a nerdy looking kid who was explaining the law of physics to some unfortunate toddler. Jackson choked down some of his dinner and then dumped the rest on the nerd’s tray. “Bon appetite nerd.”
The boy turned around to correct him but he had already left. Jackson walked up the stairs to his room but then passed it and kept going. When he had gone as far as he could, he looked around for the stepstool he had hidden a while back. He found the stepstool and pulled down on a small rope that hung on a hook. Then there was a creaking noise as the stairs came plummeting down. Jackson guided it down and looked up the stairs to the attic. He then hid the stool and climbed up the stairs.
Jackson loved coming to the attic. There was a huge window facing out to the city of California. He often came up here and looked out over the city. He was filled with anticipation, for he would be running down those streets, very soon. He sighed, impatient for the darkness of night to come. Just then, he heard the screeching of some bats in the house he had built for them. He whistled and then walked over to them. One bat flew down and landed on his outstretched arm. Jackson smiled; this was Adir, a bat he had saved when it crashed the window trying to get in. He had named him Adir because he reminded him of a valiant character who was a hero in his favorite book.
“I bet you’ll miss me Adir, I’m leaving tonight.”
Adir screeched and flew off as the bell for lights out rang. Jackson took one last look out the window and hurried down to his room to get ready. His roommate, Jayson, was in there, sitting on his bed. “Jackson, are you going to leave tonight?”
He asked Jackson this all the time. Jackson looked up at him and nodded. “Yeah Jayson, I am.”
Jayson looked sad. “What’ll I do without you? You’re my best friend. What’ll I do without you?”
Jackson sighed “Jayson, it’s a perfect night. It rained yesterday and so it’s foggy. No one will see me. I need to go, I hate it here. Besides I don’t belong. Anyway, I’ve told you a million times that you can come with me if you want. You just have to keep up.”
Jayson looked forlorn. “That’s the problem; you’re two years older than me. You’re faster. I’ll never keep up.”
“Jayson, I’ve loved you as my own brother. I will promise you that I will come back and get anyone else who wants to leave. But I need to get out and find an escape route first, and then I’ll come back.”
Jayson scrubbed at his eyes. “Promise?”
“I promise.”
They hugged and then Jackson prepared for his escape. Jayson helped him. Together they found the escape ladder and rolled it out the window. Jayson opened the door and looked around and made sure that all was clear. But to his dismay, the matron was coming around making sure kids were in bed. “Jackson, it’s the matron! What are we going to do?”
“Blast it! Stupid old Livertongue can wait.”
Jayson giggled. Livertongue was what they called the matron because her name was Ms. Livington. Also, her breath smelled like liver, so Jackson named her Livertongue. Jayson peered out the door again and reported back to Jackson. “Jump in bed for a sec Jack. She’s just doing her regular rounds to make sure we’re in bed.”
They both jumped into their beds just seconds before Mrs. Livertongue entered and shined a light into the room. Satisfied that they were both in bed, she shut the door and left. Jackson and Jayson jumped out of bed and resumed working. Jackson checked his supply of money; he only had about twenty dollars, enough for about a couple of weeks if he was lucky. He would have to find a way to get money if he was going to help the others escape and find a place for them.
“Jayson, before I go, there’s something I want you to do.”
“Anything you say Jack, I’ll do.”
“Good. I need you to tell anyone who wants to run away from here to start saving up their money and snitch as much stuff as they can. Also, take my maps and use them to find different ways out of the orphanage. I bet Livertongue or on of the other matrons will be patrolling outside once I leave. It’s vital that we have a different way out.”
“Okay, I think I can do it. Wait, I know I can do it.”
“Good, I need to get going soon. Let’s check the stuff again.”
They went over his equipment and added a few more necessities. Then he was ready to go. Jackson did a couple warm up exercises and stretched out as quietly as he could. He nodded at Jayson and smiled. “Okay Jayson, I’m ready.”
Jayson was in tears, he was losing his best friend.
“Aw Jayson, don’t cry, I promised that I will come back, and I will. Please, if you do your part, it will be a lot easier to get everyone who wants to come out.”
“I will Jack, I promise.”
They hugged and then Jackson tossed the ladder out the window. He slung his backpack and some rope over his shoulder and climbed down the ladder. Jayson stood and watched from the window.
Jackson was nearly out when he accidentally set off the burglar alarm system. He nimbly ran across to the power box on the side of the building and shut off all the power. Then he climbed up the wall using footholds he had made earlier by cutting out the bricks in certain spots. He stood on the wall and raised his hand in farewell to Jayson. Jayson returned the sign and joined the kids in shouting about burglars to insure Jackson’s getaway. It was a complete success.
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Maybe its just me (and I'm speaking from personal experience so YMMV) this seems a little formal for a 12 year old. Unless of course the story is set in a different time period that is.
Apart from some unnecessarily formal dialogue, its a good story.
Hey! Welcome to the forums! I am a bit nitpicky in my critiques so bear with me. =]
The period after orphan should be a semicolon.
Got done with his homework sounds awkward. Try after he finished his homework or something.
Grammar error there. I think where should be that
I get the first part of the sentence but the " had many exits he had found." makes me go "HUH?!"
You contradict yourself there. Warm food doesn't steam. And hot dog is 2 words.
Comma after appetite.
California is a state, not a city.
Scrubbed makes it sound like he's washing his eyes. A different verb might be better here.
Where the heck did this ladder come from?
Since when can you live for a week on $20, in California? Is this set in the past? If it is, I'd make that clearer.
Vital doesn't seem like something a 12year old would say
Warm up exercises and stretching out seem like the same thing to me.
now for the overall review part!
You do a lot of telling instead of showing. The entire beginning of the story is what we call and "info dump." Meaning you're just telling us a bunch of information about the characters and the story in a rather boring a clumped form. Try and change that.
Also, you start 90% of you sentences the same way. "He did this", "Jackson did this", "They did this." Try and mix it up a little. You don't wanna be repetitive with sentences.
I really like this though. It's a good story that I don't see too often. Keep working on this, and keep practicing! Sorry if I was a little harsh. I'm only harsh if I like the piece. =] (Plus harsh critiques usually bring out better future drafts than nice ones.) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. =]
Hey, its MidnightVampire. I'm sorry, but you're going to get a really harsh review from me. I promise, I'm not always this harsh. And welcome to young writers society.
Here you use a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. Instead of saying all of this, you could give tales of when he was young and ran away, and how he was sent to the orphanage. It just a little too much telling.
The last sentence you seemed to have messed up your tenses (something my friend often does). Its hard to understand what's really going on. I would suggest that you give more description.
I'd cut out the first 'What'll I do without you?' because it makes it seem too repetative and it seems to have more of an effect with just one.
I think that it should 'I promise you that I will come back and.....' because he's not promising in the future, he's promising right there and then.
I don't think twenty dollars is enough for a couple of weeks. I know it says 'if he was lucky' but its not much.
I really like the ending of the chapter. And I'm really sorry that I was harsh. Its a good idea. I asure you
Yes, I agree with Blink, and people have told me this to. Your story needs to take time to develop, maybe describe the characters more and give more details, or describe an average day at the orphanage. There are so many ways to stretch a story, this entry could be made to go on for two chapters before Jackson escapes. The possibilities are limitless! Have fun with it and try to slow down and describe in detail average ordinary things. I read once somewhere telling writers to write like they are writing someone without our abilities, like describe the disgusting smell of the macaroni and hot dogs and the strange colors of it. Like I said, have fun with it!
Hey Lucy, welcome! Why not head over to the community area and introduce yourself? Just in case you haven't been told, YWS does ask that you do around two reviews for each submission you make, so that you yourself get more reviews!
My first issue with this is the first paragraph. Its entirety revolves around you telling us everything and not really letting us make decisions ourselves--I don't feel as though I am reading a story, rather each sentence is a bullet point in a textbook. "Showing vs Telling" might be a writer's worst enemy, but it has points to it, and I'll explain to you what I might do to correct these faults:
1--Begin the story with action or fast-pacing. As far as I am concerned it doesn't have to be a fight scene, but it must depict your character in an interesting way. It's not abnormal for someone to be unhappy about where they live or even be an orpgan, which is why we use "showing" to reflect Jackson and make the reader care. Use his age to your benefit, and give him a sense of innocence, from which horrible things have been thrown upon him menacingly. Don't just tell us that he doesn't like something but explain it. Describe.
2--One of the key ways to help add more involving and quicker/interesting points to the story is to get rid of the major uses of "to be" and all of its forms. If you can't sort it out by replacing one or two words, rewrite it entirely, or just ask yourself what the point is. You don't have to tell us that he "is" anything, and I find it more difficult to understand a character when you just try to rant their pasts to us in a few lines. This can lead to an increase in adjectives/adverbs and less on the solid writing front. Let's take an example:
This is unnecessary. Can we not learn of his running away within the story? Can he not be resting his legs and getting ready? Or maybe we'll see how fast he is when he begins to run? Yes, I think so. Another example is where you say he knows all the nooks and crannies, but then afterwards he goes into the attic.
And by doing this you're filling us with info dumps in which the reader has nothing to search for, since it's all just... there. On a plate. It's easier for a reader to relate and understand and pity a character when we see their perspectives and why hatred was there. The pain, the anger, the fear. I'd recommend a short chapter before this to explore all these ideas.
Could be more interesting. I find this intriguing, and it would add in some pacing if you start off with him trying to get out, avoiding the booby-traps and such, give us some suspense, eh?
Vary your sentence structures also. There seems to be a lot of "this happened" "he was" "it was" and all the rest. Find different ways to begin these. It could be as easy as putting a verb at the start or adding in some fragments or imagery--yes, imagery. We need more similes, so that Jackson and can compare things to other things which will again mirror his viewpoint.
I liked your blunt sentences and they fitted in well, but do some more proofreading at times.
Great work,
Mark/Blinky
Hey, its MidnightVampire. I'm sorry, but you're going to get a really harsh review from me. I promise, I'm not always this harsh.
Here you use a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. Instead of saying all of this, you could give tales of when he was young and ran away, and how he was sent to the orphanage. It just a little too much telling.
The last sentence you seemed to have messed up your tenses (something my friend often does). Its hard to understand what's really going on. I would suggest that you give more description.
I'd cut out the first 'What'll I do without you?' because it makes it seem too repetative and it seems to have more of an effect with just one.
I think that it should 'I promise you that I will come back and.....' because he's not promising in the future, he's promising right there and then.
I don't think twenty dollars is enough for a couple of weeks. I know it says 'if he was lucky' but its not much.
I really like the ending of the chapter. And I'm really sorry that I was harsh. Its a good idea. I asure you.