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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey Vernon
Ok, I'll do my best.
Firstly, at a glance, there is too much punctuation.
Reading this, it feels choppy. Uneven. Forced even...
This may sound weird, but were you angry while writing this?
I think you have forgotten to keep an even, flowing, working structure. This is what makes a poem a poem. The flow..whether hidden or not. The structure that seems to weave in and out of the words holding everything together. Don't make that structure cold steel braces.
And this is what your poem feels like.
Get the most out of everything.
Getting onto the more technical sides of things, your punctuation is making the the flow to abrupt.
A cloud of sickness, spread far and thin—
The result of man's ambition to build, and master.
A lasting flame of the Eiffel Tower burning, supernaturally…
Decay and death, ruins and rage. Weapons of glory or
of pride: Blackness--sheer ash and fumes. Monuments
lost. All life halted. Mans mausoleum to science.
The words in italics are all ideas. Thoughts. Fragments you have tried to impress upon the reader's mind. Thrown in for a sudden effect.
Maybe not such a good idea.
This automatically breaks the flow of any natural sentence.
Try getting one whole thought and balancing it out- whether that's with rhyme, a certain pattern, etc. Doesn't matter which. It just needs to flow and proceed in thoughts that carry on with each other, not against each other.
I see no resemblance between the two stanzas.
They even have a different amount of lines. o_O
No regularity in the amount of syllables per line, etc. Work on getting the two stanzas to not only communicate but enhance and flow on fromeach other. Just putting some more advanced ideas in a second stanza doesn't make it 'just happen'.
Try using more sentences in your poems...it gives good integrity to its structure. And it's more compelling for a reader to see one whole thought, than sudden fragments thrust in front of their eyes.
I hope this can be of use to you V.
All the best
Peace V
Inky
(Elsie)
love it and it is so deep too.
All in all, I thought it was fantastic. Except for those ellipses! I'm not sure they made it quite as bad as Fandilocks thinks, it made sense to me. But still, I think that making the changes I highlighted would get rid of a lot of the problems she said. Well, basically getting rid of the ellipses and replacing them with the appropriate commas or periods.
But I really do like this, the imagery, the emotion, the rhythm, all good:)
If you make any major changes, send me a PM! I'd love to see it.
Keep writing!
*adna*
Oh dear.
#1. You've tried to use punctuation creatively here, but you've just ended up fracturing your phrases absurdly. You lose all sense of continuity and rhythm; the reader is too busy trying to figure out how the sentence is supposed to be read (wait, do I pause there, or is that?--is this supposed to be a fragment?--what on earth does that mean?) to actually appreciate or even comprehend its intended meaning.
#2. There are many places where you've neglected to insert an apostrophe, or added one too many hyphens, or... simply forgot good English grammar, apparently. Not good. Please, please, please proofread. Sometimes putting the poem aside for a few days and then going back can help, as you'll have fresher eyes.
#3. You have a lot of good imagery here, but the poem's drowning in it; that, and the images are all so muddled that the reader can't make out heads nor tails. That muddling, I understand, may be part of the desired effect, since your poem focuses on destruction--but really, everything in moderation, Vernon!