With tear-stained cheeks,
You fall sleep that night.
The next day, people see that look in your eyes
And ask you that dreaded question all day long.
"Are you okay?"
Each time tears threaten to bubble over the surface of your eyelids and spill out onto your cheeks,
But somehow you manage to hold them back each time.
Days, weeks pass and you still feel that hole in your heart.
Then one day, the one who caused all the hurt, all the pain, asks you that dreaded question.
"Are you okay?"
Tears surface but you choke them down and stammer,
"Yes."
That night, once again, you go to sleep
With tear-stained cheeks.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I love this pome, simple lines, simple words. Very easy to understand.
I love this pome, simple lines, simple words. Very easy to understand.
Hi, Harley!
It's a nice poem...the title catches the attention of the readers..the topic or theme is a good one which can relate to everybody. It's a good thing to pick up topics like this.
I have enjoyed the poem. The starting is awesome. Simple words, simple lines, but it grabs your heart. It is extraordinary in its simplicity.
The question is a really dreaded one...
However, the line "Each time tears threaten to bubble over the surface of your eyelids and spill out onto your cheeks" seemed a little bit long to me. I would have liked it a bit short, just a bit...not much.
The ending was awesome as well...I hope to read more of your writings.
Thanks I'll try to this this
Hi Harley! Here's my two cents:
So, this actually made me cry because I'm having one of these nights tonight... but I love writing that evokes emotion, so I commend you on that
I love this opening. I feel like it's a very relatable statement (and it happens much more often than it should...) and I like the simplicity of it.
This confused me a little bit, because you never mentioned that long of a time lapse. If you want to include this line, I would suggest going back and adding that people asked you the "dreaded question" (I like the way you phrased that, by the way) weekly.
Also, the use of the word "stammer" is a good move; I feel like that really paints the scene of what is happening, like the girl is struggling to not break down but she manages to just barely hold in.
The repetition at the end is, not only appropriate, but a beautiful way to end. I think you should try to make it even a little more repetitive though; perhaps say "You fall asleep that night, with tear-stained cheeks." I feel like that would make great use of framing and give the poem a more rhythmic feel.
This is a beautiful poem, and I really enjoyed it
-unluminescent
Thank you! I'll try to fix these mistakes when I get some time
Hey HarleyQuinn! I really enjoyed your poem. It was really interesting and kept me wanting to read more. One quote that I liked in the poem but would also change is,
In this quote I would maybe change it a little. Such as writing, ¨You had fallen asleep¨ Or maybe just rewording it. I liked how you incorporated falling asleep with a tear-stained cheek because many people do. I also liked how you put the quote i chose after the first line . They go together really well.
This quote was just well written. It shows the sadness of the poem, but it always how much you do not want to show anyone else the sadness. I also liked how you used the word stammer instead of said, because I think that it helps with the flow of your poem.
With this quote I was a little confused. I thought that your poem was at first about everyone asking if you were okay for one day not for weeks or daily. With this quote you went into weeks, and I think you should have maybe mentioned how people ask the question weekly before you said this quote. I also would maybe change the wording or tense by making it past tense. It might make it sound more natural if you said, ¨Days, and weeks had passed¨
These were just some suggestions. Overall your poem was really good! Keep up the good work!
Alright thank you
Hey Harley! <3 Here to review your poem.
The first thing I noticed was your formatting. It'd be better if you put this into stanzas, it looks better and more organized. It would also help if your lines weren't so long, usually poem lines aren't as long as they are in this. Try and make your lines closer to the same size, it looks much better although it may not seem like it matters.
"asleep" rather than "sleep." Asleep is the correct word because "sleep" is a noun. In this way, you use "asleep" as an adverb.
That is the question I truly dread the most. It's good to relate to your audience because some people have the same issue with crying themselves to sleep.
Take out "days" and this issue will be solved. It'll sound a bit better.
I like the idea of this poem, the subject is pretty cool. Although it confuses me as to why the person who caused all this would even think to ask, unless they truly felt sorry, but then that would follow with an apology.
Nice poem.
Thanks! And sorry about "sleep" I did this on mobile so it was bound to have mistakes.
Alright, Ats here for a review.
I like the idea, but it could be something other than "Tear-strained cheeks" because tears don't stay on cheeks, but I got the idea.
It quite represents what feeling in pain feels like.
No, I really like this.
When you're sad you feel like you have your heart in your stomach with a bullet wound through it which is what you described here.
Maybe you could go on about other things other than just tear stained cheeks, like maybe how your eyes are puffy after you're done crying.
I don't have much else to say other than it kind of doesn't try for any figurative language or vividness which makes me sad a bit because I usually like to see all that.
Other than that, great job!
Thanks! I'll try to fix it.