Tank laid upside down on a large smooth rock while Big Slick continued to pace back and forth in their tiny cave. Fruity had hunting duty, and thus was out for the time being while the two argued.
The dragons’ cave was small and dingy, though they liked it like that. The pinkish stone that crumbled at the slightest touch contrasted against the blackish red sky outside of the entrance. It also let Tank hide scraps of goat meat he refused to eat in plain sight.
“I’m telling you, Tanky, we have to band together. Form some kind of organized force that can help offset this depression,” Big Slick outlined, shaking her claw. “It’d be a tightly knit group. Almost like a family, wouldn’t you say?”
“I’m telling you, Slick Slick, we just have to last this wave,” Tank muttered, rocking the stone he laid on back and forth with his hind legs. “Every ecosystem has one of these really weird dry spells every now and then. It’ll balance itself in no time.”
“Oh really, Tanky?” Big Slick questioned, stopping the green dragon’s rocking with one talon. “It’s been three years! We’re almost out of things to eat!”
“You ate a full grumbler just yesterday!” Tank argued. Big Slick looked away in guilt.
“Well, you still haven’t touched your portion of the goat stash!” Big Slick argued back.
“I haven’t even eaten anything since I committed to the goat stash!” Tank growled. His stomach growled in unison. Just the act of talking about goat consumption was enough to make him gag.
“Look, either we set up a system that allows both extraction from the nearby lands outside of the Mountains, or we die from starvation, simple as that.”
“Or, we could just wait it out! Let the fast growing things live so that everything higher on the food chain comes back. Simple as that!”
“Hey, Tank. Hey, Big Sis,” Fruity said as he crawled into the cave. His lips were lightly frosted while his front legs displayed a few scratches. “What are you guys talking about?”
“That’s Slick Slick to you, bastard,” Big Slick muttered, pointing her claw towards the blue dragon.
“Slick Slick?”
“Earlier, me and Big Slick decided code names. I’m Tanky, she’s Slick Slick. You’re ‘The Fruit,’” Tank explained, flipping over the stone. “Of course, I didn’t know it was because Big Slick wanted to make an militia to take food from outside!”
“Hey, it’s better than your idea of just waiting around,” Big Slick mocked, waving her claws in the air. “We’re going to starve if we wait. I say we take charge and go out there now!”
“First of all, I absolutely love my nickname, but please never say it again in my presence,” Fruity muttered.
“Can do, The Fruit.” Tank and Big Slick bowed.
“Second, Big Slick, that’s a stupid idea. We’re three dragons in a dingy cave. Where are we going to get an organized task force, especially when you basically eat everything that comes by?”
“Hahah!” Tank exclaimed, pointing vigorously at Big Slick.
“You’re idea is no better,” Fruity muttered. “There’s absolutely no sign of a recovery. Big Slick is right. We will starve if we wait.”
“Hahah!” Big Slick exclaimed, pointing vigorously at Tank. The green dragon sighed before rolling off the rock and lying atop a thin strip of goat meat he had forgotten to get rid of. “So, any good news, or are you just here to belittle us like usual?”
“Well, lucky for you two, I actually came up with something of use,” Fruity admitted, grinning from cheek to cheek. It was actually much more horrifying than it sounded, due to the elongated nature of a dragon’s snout. Fruity pulled out something he had laid on his back spines, dropping it in front of the two. It made a satisfying set of clink sounds as it hit the ground.
“Ooh, chocolate coins!” Tank exclaimed, before picking one of the many shimmering gold coins from the sack. Not caring about the foil, he took a bite without ripping it off, only to wince and step back in pain. “Hey! These are real coins!”
“Duh,” Fruity shrugged. “Do you think a band of adventurers would just come in with a sack of chocolate coins?”
“Yes,” Tank admitted, nodding without shame.
“Wait, adventurers?” Big Slick asked.
“Yes, a group of adventurers. Some experiences. Some new. I ate them all,” Fruity admitted. Tank and Big Slick groaned loudly, assaulting Fruity’s eardrums. “Hey, hey, they weren’t all that filling. They were only elves, after all.”
“Any clue why they were here?” Tank asked.
“Either they were poachers trying to get an endangered species, or the lack of danger present in the Mountains finally convinced them to go after Eimriantag’s stash,” Fruity guessed, mulling over it for several seconds. “Too bad it already got taken.”
“I mean, they wouldn’t know that,” Big Slick noted.
“Anyways, I also went through their clothes. Besides just a few pieces of armour, a couple of potions, and what I assumed to be a legendary sword I chucked into the lava, I ended up...with this!” Fruity took a second object from his back, this time holding it up high into the air, or at least as high as a dragon could hold it. The slip of paper flapped in the slight draft coming from the entrance. On it, printed in colourfully friendly words, said ‘Marco Dublais’s All-You-Can-Eat Wild Boar Buffet, Guaranteed to Blow Your Stomach!’
“Fruity, you know we can’t read,” Big Slick muttered.
“It talks about a buffet. One with a really bad tagline,” Fruity explained, looking over the coupon he had accidentally made a hole through. “You know, buffets. Free, all you can eat, enough to blow our stomachs- Okay, that is a really bad tagline. I’m not going to say it anymore.”
Tank and Big Slick nodded in agreement.
“So, I was thinking,” Fruity continued. “What if we went to this place? It’s just outside the mountains, so it’s just a quick in and out. We could raid it for all the food we could ever need!”
“Nah, it’ll only last a week,” Big Slick betted. “But you have piqued my interest.”
“Will there be any goat meat?” Tank asked.
“None for miles on end!” Fruity exclaimed. “At least, if you don’t go into the goat section, that is.”
“I’m in,” Tank said, jumping to his feet. It had been so long since he had had the sweet, sweet taste of something not related to the goat in any way.
“Well, let’s go then!” Fruity said. “This coupon only lasts for two more days, so the sooner we get there, the better!”
“Yeah!” Tank and Big Slick exclaimed in unison. The two stood on their hind legs before forcing Fruity up on his as well. They grabbed each others’ shoulders before can-caning their way out of the cave. After a few steps, Fruity stopped resisting and followed them in step. “Hey! Ho! Tanky, Slick Slick, and The Fruit are ready to go! Hey! Ho! Tanky, Slick Slick, and The Fruit are ready to go!”
“Can you not sing,” Fruity asked. “I’m already dancing.”
“No! No! Come on, The Fruit. We’ve got to go! No! No! Come on, The Fruit. We’ve got to go!”
Fruity let out a dry sigh as his two draconian siblings continued to dance onto the cliff and jump down. At the very least, couldn’t they have found something else besides ‘go’ to end their rhyme with?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heyo, you're the fifth stop on my LMS-chapter-2 express!
Nitpicks:
These don't seem like particularly inventive names, but none of them seem to be acknowledging that.
But Tank just gave some pretty solid logic about food chains to Big Slick, which was not responded to. Couldn't that just be explained.
This is a bit repetitive of the previous response, but not quite similar enough that it seems like it's on purpose.
That does seem like an awfully random thing for someone to assume, and thus it does feel kind of artificial.
Overall:
While this is pleasant enough to read, I think you're still struggling a bit with a hook. So, the famine would be a really good overarching problem for the characters, except that all that happened in the last chapter was eating, and there is even mention of what the dragons have eaten recently, in the form of the others' mocking. So it's difficult to feel really invested in this. Then with the buffet, I would say that it doesn't fit with the world but the world has a fun absurdity about it that means it probably does. It still doesn't really feel like the big thing that builds tension and makes me want to read this story. Maybe actually it has something of a slice-of-life feel to it?
The characters are still fun, but maybe less distinct in this chapter than the last? Tank was pretty well developed, but now all I really know about any of them is that they make fun of each other a lot. Like I said, that's enjoyable, but it doesn't make for very three-dimensional reading.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hey, Thundahguy! I'm back for another review, so let's get into it!
One of the main problems I'm seeing pop up is that you describe in too many words. It's unwieldy. I'll try to use an example.
This is just too many words for the amount of information you're trying to convey. To shorten things, you're going to want to play around with new sentence structures. You're also going to have to be willing to scrutinize your writing. While it's kind of counterproductive at the moment, it will help a lot when you're editing.
Personally, I'd reword the sentence like this:
Crumbling, pinkish stone contrasted a crimson-black sky at the entrance.
I removed a lot of the unneeded articles to make it snappier and I got rid of an 'ish' to reduce redundancy.
I think that analyzing different types of writing for stylistic changes in description and wording will really help you decide what best works for you. First, imitate and then begin to adapt and create your own unique style.
I'm seeing a lot more of the humor in this, but it's a bit ham-fisted. I really like some of the ideas (particularly the legendary sword bit), but the delivery is just not quite right. Because of this, your jokes end up falling flat. I'm not a big expert on humor or comedy, so I'm going to post a few links that will help you more than I can.
This is just a wikipedia link, but it might direct you to some useful examples of comic fantasy that you can study: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_fantasy
This will be more helpful in general: http://www.writersdigest.com/online-edi ... lled-novel
With this chapter too, I'm seeing more of that exposition. I think you have a bit of a problem with exposition through dialogue. Sometimes, it can be a great tool, but it must be used very carefully. As a general rule of thumb, you don't want to use it a lot at the beginning. People don't explain things they already know. You can have a bit of discussion, but I'd stick to how hungry the characters are and how much food there used to be so that your readers can infer the change without the dragons going on about the depression.
I'm really starting to see the potential in this idea. It's a diamond in the rough!!
If you have any questions, feel free to reply with them!
~Ink
Hey there, Thundahguy !!
Here is Eros again with a review !
Loved this piece as much as I loved the previous chapter. I won't repeat the things that I said in the previous review.
Now I feel that Fruity is the wisest of the three. The names are super cool, dude... Tank, Big Slick and Fruity... And their nicknames are awesome too. I loved the whole idea and the theme. The idea of giving nicknames to the dragons and all. I liked the brief description of the cave. I loved their song the most. It is lyrical like a jingle and has a rythm and a beat. Amazing.
This story reminds me of Panchtantra, I used to read in my good old days
This seems like an advanced version of that. Beautifully written and described. Full of fantasy and fiction, the novel is getting more and more interesting. I wonder what sort of food is there on the buffet and how the journey of the three dragons would be. Will they meet any challenges? Is there any adventure on the way down the mountains? What will happen in the buffet? Such many questions are teasing my mind.
I crave for reading more of the story. Please write the next part and publish it as soon as possible!
Waiting for the next parts, eagerly.
Keep writing !
Have a great day / night !
~Eros.