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Young Writers Society



Fifteen Eternal Candles (Chapter 1, Scene 3)

by deleted1


Author's Note: Taking a hint from the others I decided to make the scenes longer, and with good reason for this one! This scene is humorous and is kind of fluffy, but don't let it fool you. This is the first time we get to meet Avalon, though he is covered under blankets, but the way they interact is rather that of brother and sister. Definitely a cute sugary moment.

Side note: I haven't checked this one too throughly, it is late so there are bound to be lots of errors...but hopefully I caught them through the first time around.

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Victoria hopped down the steps of the elegant staircase and landed softly on the floor below, her pendant bouncing on her chest as it shined its tranquil blue. She started to tiptoe down the hallway with her ears pressed against the white walls. The sound of pots and pans clanging and rattling was hard to miss through the thick walls, but the much softer footfalls of the maid resounded faintly in the next room. With a malicious smile spread across her face, Victoria darted down the halls towards the safety of the guest room nearest to the pantry, only to hear the maids stern voice call out, “Where do you think you are going?”

Frozen in her tracks, Victoria turned to see Mrs. Alder standing behind her with a large metallic soup ladle pointed threateningly at her. She crossed her arms over her large chest and bloated belly, she stood before her in that black formal maid outfit which was confining and overly proper gave her the appearance of a Nun. With cold piercing eyes and untamed long hair, and all the fire of hell burning within her she scolded Victoria, “You were going to go bother that boy again! He needs rest and not to be pestered night and day by the likes of you.”

Victoria weakly made a stand, “Constance said he was all better now.”

Slamming the soup ladle against the wall with a loud crack as the soup ladle bent horribly out of shape under the force of her swing, she yelled, “That won't work this time, dear. Until I am informed otherwise, you will not bother him again!”

The sound of Constance's footfalls as he slowly descended the stairs were covered by his hoarse laughter. As the old butler turned to the two ladies he smiled weakly and stated, “Sorry Mary. He does appear to have recovered.”

Mary's eyes fell to the bent and now spoon like soup ladle and sighed dejectedly at the contorted and flattened silverware. Turning to Constance with a cheerful voice she replied, “What a relief. Lunch is almost ready, I'll go set a place at the table for him!”

Victoria mouthed silently to Constance, “Thank you.” Before running down to the guest room and let herself in quietly.

The guest room was very plain, a four post canopy bed and a dresser was all the decorated it. The wooden floor planks creaked softly as she approached the sleeping boy under the covers of the bed. The pale and sickly looking boy had a dry washcloth over his forehead and was sleeping softly as Victoria watched over him for a minute. Leaning down to kiss the boy on the cheek she awoke him and those soft blue eyes stared into hers.

“Good morning, Avalon. How are you feeling today?” Victoria asked cheerfully, trying to hide her red face from his gaze.

Pulling himself up in bed, the boy brushed back his long brown hair and said softly, “Much better, thank you. Victoria?”

Victoria smiled at Avalon and asked, dangling the pendant over his head, “What is it?”

“It looks beautiful on you.”

Victoria blushed redder and ran her soft hands through his hair, messing it up, “You look like a girl with that long hair you know. Boys shouldn't look like this!”

Weakly moving away from her hand, Avalon grumbled, “You sure are in a delightful mood, did he-”

“YES!” cried out Victoria, “I was wondering when you were going to ask that. Want to come shopping for a dress with me?”

Avalon's eyes narrowed and he shook his head sternly, “Shopping with you, that doesn't seem like something I would do...”

“Sure you do!” Victoria leaned into him cheerfully, “All boys love to shop! Shopping for new clothes is one of the most fun things you can do?”

“It really...”Avalon sighed softly before saying, “A change of scenery would be nice.”

Victoria let out a soft gasp of joy and hugged Avalon tight, embracing him to her chest, as the pendant touched Avalon a bright light came from the diamond. It engulfed them in a dance of deep blue and white light until Victoria stepped back from Avalon in complete disbelief.

“What just happened?” the two said as they stared at each other in a state of mutual confusion.

The soft hue of the diamond faded away to nothing and became unremarkable around Victoria's neck. Whimpering softly she took it off of her neck and held the pendant and chain in the palm of her hand, “I think it broke...”

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to break.” Avalon replied softly, his eyes cast on the white blankets surrounding and warming him.

Victoria smiled softly and placed it around her neck again, “Perhaps this is what they call a 'Love charm'. Blue is tranquility and love after all-”

“L-L-Love charm?! What are you talking about?”

Victoria stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry before heading to the door and added cheerfully, “Get dressed, you'll be having lunch with the rest of us. The Alders are making a special meal just for you.”

“Give me a second to get dressed.” Avalon said as he started to pull the covers away, until Victoria shouted, “Wait for me to leave! Are you shameless or something.”

Walking out and closing the door harshly, Victoria continued, “Have you no decency, Avalon?”


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73 Reviews


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Wed Dec 26, 2007 4:21 pm
deleted1 says...



Ah fixed it up.

You'll see for that in the next bit in fact. Pencharmer is expecting it around her neck still...but they both think it broke. Pencharmer in his wisdom or should I say cunning...decides to explain right after this scene at the lunch table. Just to let you know, they overloaded it.

Avalon and Victoria are of different blood and their bodies have a slightly different way of processing energy, the electrical output of their body causes the crystal to glow. Avalon is of Frei linage, Victoria of the diluted Sunia linage. When they bumped into each other the conflicting energy and surge overwhelmed it.

The true nature of Pencharmer is really that of a VERY calculating man, the guy is a master of manipulation and subterfuge. He gets his big moment in a couple of chapters as he reveals himself to Victoria and Avalon.

also note: Avalon means land of apples. I.e. a paradise. The etymology of his name comes from Caliburn and Arthur's resting place. His name symbolizes hope, but he cannot remember anything about himself. It is an unusual name but Victoria also means Victory (obviously) but the Alders refers to the Alder tree. Constance to his guard, Quartz and Mary (obvious) as well as many other characters like Sigmund and Krieg's corsairs.

Each place has their own origin of names, some being entirely based on their own principals. Nobles generally take Latin based or Guild-like names to denote rank. It is obvious to find someone by their name rather then title (unless they were stripped of it, which is terrible for them socially). This was pointed out previously by Constance's 'theft of a name' as names are very important and bastards are usually named as such. Social working are far crueler within the story then real life, but all of this is just inner story workings.




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Tue Dec 25, 2007 9:17 am
Fan wrote a review...



Victoria hopped down the steps of the elegant staircase and landed softly on the floor below, her pendant bouncing on her chest as it shined its tranquil blue


shined should be 'shone'.

She crossed her arms over her large chest and bloated belly, she stood before her in that black formal maid outfit which was confining and overly proper gave her the appearance of a Nun.


The 'overly proper' is very confusing and out of place. I suggest you axe.

With cold piercing eyes and untamed long hair, and all the fire of hell burning within her she scolded Victoria,


Overuse of 'and'. Try 'with cold, piercing eyes, untamed long hair, and ...'

“Give me a second to get dressed.” Avalon said as he started to pull the covers away, until Victoria shouted, “Wait for me to leave! Are you shameless or something?


? required after something.

I thought this was good. Nice to see you've taken the suggestion for longer scenes.

I can see that Victoria and Avalon already have a relationship going, though I admit I thought Avalon was a place to start off with. You've shown that they have this relationship quite well, though I'm not too sure about how they just instantly pass off the crystal glowing as mundane.




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Mon Dec 24, 2007 5:25 pm



1.The guest room was very plain, a four post canopy bed and a dresser was all the decorated it.

The should be that.

Well written, as usual. XD I didn't find any other errors except that one. Can't wait to read more! DR.





Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream