Published June 29, 2010
This is for the people who have lost their way and have gone into the darkness
follow your heart
follow it and listen closely to what it tells you
let your heart guide you out of the darkness and into the light
where everyone is waiting for you, ready to welcome you back
follow you heart and listen
listen to your heart, to make the right decision
listen to your heart and let it guide you onto the right path
for only you can make the decision
so follow your heart and always listen to what it says
What do you think??? let me know, this is my first post.
if you find it a bit disturbing(sad or something) don't worry i think this is disturbing too even though i wrote it i just wrote it in hope that this poem, hopefully might help someone and get their lives back on track and to help them to get out of the darkness.
If you think i might be depressed or something (well that's what I'm understanding from my own writing) don't worry perfectly fine and I'm happy with all my friends
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
Hey,
for your first post it is good, but obviously not perfect.
When i joined i found it better to write something you wouldn't usually as that helps better as grammar becomes more appropriate as it has less passion to it.
Just a suggestion.
~Retro Disco666
Hello Daniel!
I just replied to your Welcome Area post!
Ok, on to your poem.
This is really great for your first post. You have structure in there and you haven't tried to rhyme and ended up with forced rhymes. I agree with King in that you need to look at the flow of your poem. Try writing it to a 'metre' so 'pentametre' is 5 syllables per line, that sort of thing, it will help you with rhythm and flow. Or just try writing a certain number of syllables per line, but it's ok to have the odd line with a different number of syllables for emphasis.
My only other point is that I wished you expanded it because you did have two stanzas that were essentially the same. You could write about how being in dark, sad times makes people feel, if you don't know, think about how you would feel in that situation and try and put it on paper. You can use metaphors and similies to try and portray those feelings better.
Anyway, I hope I helped.
If you need anything else then please feel free to PM me.
~Lydia
Hiya, dege! Welcome to Young Writers Society! *shakes hand* I'm Selene, and if you need anything feel free to ask.
So have you taken a look around YWS? Since you're a new member, I'd suggest going over to the Welcome Mat in the Community forums. A bunch of people will welcome you, too!
Now, onto some reviewin'!
"you hear" I'm guessing should be 'your heart'.
Your poem overall was pretty repetitive. I'm all for the message you're trying to get across, but you can do that in a better manner. Try going more in-depth than "follow your heart" and analyze what it means. What does it mean to you? Now put it down on paper. You are telling your reader to do something, but instead you should show them. Show them your experiences, why they should follow their heart. Otherwise it's like you're brain-washing them, lol.
My best advice I can give you is practice, practice, practice!
~Selene
Hey. It thought it was a good first effort. Unlike most people (or just people that I have seen) you had structure to your first post. That is always good. I like how you used the image of the heart as a guide. It is a idea, which could still be expanded on. What I would say, is that you may want to look at the flow of your writing. This just means how smoothly you think it feels when you read it through. This can be helped when you both read what you write, and what others write.
That basically all I have to say. If you need me to expand on what I said, or just look at something else, just PM me. I'll be happy to have a look at it.