Published July 27, 2009
I dream a dream with an element of suprise
I see a girl so fair and beautiful
I smile at her as she returns the look
I chat in confidence about the things we both love
I share my sweets and chocolate with her
I whisper secrets that belong in no other mind
I hug with delight and I won't let go
I groan when she leaves me alone again
I shout it hurts to leave her
I argue with her unintentionally
and I wake if only it was reality.
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I read it a couple of times just to make sure it did indeed sound as great as it did during the first read through. It's so good. My only suggestion would be to do something to the last line. "I wake if only it were reality? something to that effect. Maybe a comma after awake would make a bit more sense. Otherwise good job.
Hello there!
You have quite the interesting poem here. I love the first line especially, and then in the next, I want to know who this girl is. Is she an extention of the narrator, the person she could be but isn't? I'm not sure if 'confidence is the right word in line four--it doesn't sound quite right. Maybe 'with ease' or something to that extent would be better. I'm torn over the last line. I either find it really poetic or grammatically incorrect depending on how you menat it to be. Is the onle reason she 'wakes' becasue it is reality, or does she wake wishing it were reality? Goodd work on this.
~Alyssa