“What do you think, Erik?” Johan asked.
“What?” Erik was brought back to reality after minutes of trying to make the right amount of eye contact, trying to fix his hair, and his fascination with Johan's perfect hair.
“Which Rolling Stones album is the best?”
"Ehhh… what do you think?” Erik stuttered, embarrassed.
"Aftermath, as I said.”
“Oh yeah, I think so as well.”
Erik went red, how can a 40-year old go red? Why does he never hear what Johan says? Why does he always stutter? Erik was saved by his phone ringing and excused himself. It was his daughter, “What are we having for dinner?” “Lentil soup, I think.” "Eww" and then she hung up. Erik wondered if he should go back into the break room but went back to his office and sighed loudly. His work was stressful and meaningless at the same time.
.
The front door whined when Erik opened it, needing to be oiled. “Hey, I’m home now!” he called, but got no answer. He cooked the lentil soup, set the table, and called again. It took roughly fifteen minutes for his wife, Maria, and all three children to gather. Erik tried to keep a conversation, but got meek answers. He did the dishes and prepared for what he knew was coming. That night it was about he had started coming home later and later from work. Erik hadn’t noticed it himself so it took longer than usual to soothe Maria. Even if they were annoying, the fights weren’t the worst part, it was the silence.
.
Erik and Johan sat and talked in the lunchroom a bit away from their colleagues. Erik had a hard time keeping up with what Johan was talking about but had a nicer time than usual.
“What are you doing this weekend?” Johan asked suddenly.
“Nothing special. The kids will probably need some help with their homework.”
“I was going to go camping, do you want to tag along?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“You sure?”
“I don’t really know, and is that really appropriate?” Erik said and regretted it immediately.
“Why wouldn’t it be appropriate for two friends to hang out?”
“I’ll have to think about it.”
Erik prayed to himself that he sounded enthusiastic enough, but not too eager.
.
“I can’t be alone!”
“I’ll make lunch boxes for you, and you can call me on my phone.”
“Can’t you hear what I’m saying, I can’t be alone!!”
“I haven’t done jack shit in 20 years. I’m going this Friday, whether you like it or not.”
The silence was deafening. Maria stared at him like she’d seen a ghost. Finally, she sniffled a little.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Erik said, uncertain. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice. Of course I won’t leave you.”
Erik held Maria who had started to sob. He tried to comfort her but couldn’t stop thinking,
about Johan.
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140,560 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hi deermoka,
This is really well done! I love how you slowly build a picture of Erik's life. I would say to make sure to intentionally format your short story. There a few times jumps in this story, and I think physically giving space between different time periods can help the story flow smoother. Great job!
Thank you for reviewing!
Hey, deermoka! I thought I’d drop by to leave a review on this story! =D
I love how much this tells us about Erik right away! "Trying to make the right amount of eye contact" is such a specific detail, and the repeated attention to Johan’s hair is both funny and revealing. One small thing I’d suggest is maybe smoothing the sentence a bit: "and his fascination with Johan’s perfect hair" might read more naturally?? But the actual content of the sentence is great! I believe it captures that embarrassed, self-conscious crush feeling really well.
I also think the dialogue is strong overall because it feels stiff in a very believable way, particularly for their age range. Erik’s "Ehhh… what do you think?" and then immediately agreeing with Johan tells us so much about him. He doesn’t really care about the Rolling Stones album -- or maybe he does, but not as much as he cares about saying the right thing. Like,
This made me smile, but I’d tweak the grammar: "Erik went red. How can a 40-year-old go red?" The idea itself works really well though, because it makes Erik seem both grown and adolescent at the same time, which fits the emotional situation he’s in!
The home scene is where the story gets much heavier, and I think that contrast works well. I like how you show Erik’s family life through routine rather than melodrama, with cooking soup, waiting fifteen minutes, doing dishes, preparing for the fight, so on.
Lovely! I’d maybe change the comma to a period or semicolon, but the thought itself is really, really nice!
Overall, I think this is a sweet story with a lot of restraint, which I mean as a compliment! You’re not spelling everything out, but any reader can feel Erik’s longing and fear pressing underneath the plainness of his life. My main suggestions would be to clean up a few grammar/punctuation spots and maybe edit a couple of longer sentences. I’m definitely interested in Erik and Johan’s dynamic, and the final sentence is a really strong place to end.
Let me know if you have any questions about this review! Please KEEP writing! ^-^
Aislynn <333
Thank you!! Thank you for the tips I really appreciate them! <3