Published September 22, 2008
Hello hello hello!
Okay, this is an experimental piece. This is not my usual writing style, but I thought I might try something different. Be warned, it might come across as a little brutal. It is an exercise in reality. A to the point, no holds teenage romance. Should I bother continuing? Criticisms are welcome.
** Oh, and for those who care, I'm not abandoning my other stories to write this one. The others are just in need of editing before I post again.
~Hailey~ xoxo
PS. Rated for sexual content.
Love is nothing like storybooks
He lay panting above me, his skin laced with sweat. The alarm clock blinked staunchly, completely unaware that the world had just shifted. Its neon glow was the only light source in the dark room, the only thing reminding me of where I was. If it hadn’t been there, I could have pretended I was dreaming. The cheap bed sheet was making my bare skin itch, and the smell of his sweat surrounded me.
‘How was that?’ he whispered. I remained silent, afraid to open my mouth. My body trembled uncontrollably. I tried to calm myself down, so to ease the shaking, but it only seemed to worsen. He rolled off me and sat up. It was a relief to be able to close my legs and cover myself, trying to reconstruct my shattered self-protection. I pushed myself up and hugged my knees to my naked chest. We sat in awkward silence for a moment.
‘I’m gonna go and get cleaned up,’ he said softly, climbing off the bed and walking into the adjoining kitchen, leaving the curtain open. I immediately struggled back into my pyjamas. I silently cursed the skin-tight tank- top I had worn, knowing I had donned it exactly for this event. I mean, I had imagined it, but I never for a moment thought it would actually happen…
I scrambled off of the bed and tiptoed through the kitchen, trying to escape into the other bedroom, to where I should have been fast asleep in the bunk over Rachel. He was in the tiny bathroom, standing next to the sink. Wait, was he washing his dick? I scanned through the memories of sexual encounters I had shared with my ex-boyfriend. Was it normal for guys to wash their dicks after sex, or did he just want to wash me off of him? The door creaked quietly as I opened it, giving me away. He turned off the tap, spun around and grabbed my arm.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘To bed,’ I replied simply.
‘Won’t you stay with me the night?’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t.’
‘Please?’ he begged quietly. I gently tugged my hand from his.
‘Goodnight, Jake.’
I strode into the cramped room and shut the door without turning around. Once safely out of his view, my composure slipped. I leaned against the door, shaking madly, as tears began to leak from my eyes.
You think your so clever, don’t you? So smart and cool and brilliant. So what am I, then? Some silly little girl who thought you owed her something? Did you roll your eyes and impress your following with stories of my efforts to catch you? Well let me tell you something, I didn’t choose to fall in love with you…
A lifetime ago...
The scratch of chalk on the board was unbearably dull, an omen for what would undoubtedly be another event-less day, so much like the ones before it. Yankalilla wasn’t exactly at the hub of the news. A tiny town that balanced dangerously on the edge of being forgotten completely, the school contained a scary total of exactly two hundred-and-twenty-three students. And it was an area school.
Rachel scratched absently on the table beside me, her mind far from the maths textbook open before her. Her mahogany hair fell in curtains around her face, contrasting with her abnormally pale skin. I knew that expression she wore, the mournful turn of her mouth and the crinkle of pain between her brows. I gently nudged her with my foot.
‘What?’ she whispered.
‘Stop it,’ I chided. The crinkle on her brow deepened.
‘Stop what?’
‘Thinking about him.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘So you’re monitoring my thoughts now as well?’
‘You know it just makes it worse. He’s an ass, Rach. He doesn’t deserve your thoughts.’
Rachel sighed and returned to vandalising the table. She didn’t believe me, of course. Ryan was perfect. She was the one with the problems and it was inevitably her fault that the relationship had ended. She failed to take into account the fact that it had been Ryan who had cheated, not the other way around.
I kicked her.
‘What?’ she hissed.
‘You deserve better. You were always way out of his league.’
‘If I’m so good why did he choose Leah over me?’ she snapped.
‘Because he was intimidated by you,’ I replied.
‘No, it’s because Leah is prettier than me and-’
‘Ladies, do you have something you would like to add?’ Mr Jervois barked.
‘No. Sorry, Mr Jervois,’ I said meekly, poking my tongue out at him when his back was turned again.
Of course Rachel thought it was all about appearance. When she looked in the mirror, all she saw was fat. Sure, she was a little overweight, but she didn’t realise that she was absolutely gorgeous. Me, on the other hand…
A loud knocking interrupted my musing.
‘Come in,’ Mr Jervois called, exasperation weaving through the tone of his voice.
The door swung open and in stepped our Principal, Mrs Hodgens. She was, in my opinion, prime evil. She was large, with short chestnut hair. She was usually clad in some outfit that wasn’t suited to her job; today’s number was a bright, canary-yellow shawl over a more austere top-and-skirt ensemble. It was her face that spoke of her wickedness, though. Thin, arched brows topped her hard, hazel eyes, and her mouth always wore a smile that was more like a leer than a grin. Rachel and I exchanged a grimace.
‘Do you mind if I steal your class for a moment, Tom?’ Mrs Hodgens asked in a high-pitched voice. Mr Jervois merely waved his arm in consent and turned back to the board. Mrs Hodgens stepped into the room.
‘Good morning, year elevens, and what a bright morning it is!’ she greeted us with cheeriness that rang false in my ears.
‘I have some wonderful news for you. A new student will be joining your class at some time today. His name is Jake Lain, and I expect you all to make him feel welcome here,’ she announced. The sudden change in the room’s atmosphere was almost tangible. The students around me shifted, sitting up straighter, and all eyes were focused on Mrs Hodgens.
‘Where is he from?’ Jessica Mormon asked sweetly. She was blonde-haired and blue-eyed, the typical class Barbie.
‘Sydney. His family moved here rather suddenly, which is why he didn’t begin the year here,’ Mrs Hodgens answered, eager to share the gossip.
Huh. A newbie. Well, the school would certainly gobble him up the moment he set foot on the grounds. Jessica was already shooting warning glances around the class, as though staking her claim. She must have finally run out of boys to date. Though, mind you, it wasn’t such a difficult feat.
‘I expect he will be in at around recess time. Keep an eye out for him and make sure he doesn’t get lost,’ Mrs Hodgens said, before retreating from the room again. Ha, funny. Lost in a school this size…
A buzz of anticipation zipped round the room as the door clicked shut, the sleepy year elevens suddenly roused. A new student! How very exciting!
‘Maybe I’ll have something to distract me from Ryan after all,’ Rachel giggled. I shook my head at her hopeful smile.
‘Why do you think he will be any different than anyone else here? No, forget it. Just realise that you’d be competing against every other single girl in senior school. He probably isn’t worth the trouble,’ I warned.
The smile slipped from her face.
‘I’m not ready for another relationship,’ she said stubbornly. I shrugged.
‘I’m just saying in case you were.’
‘I’m not, but you might be, Sam.’
I snorted. ‘I doubt he’d have anything that would interest me.’
Rach smiled coyly. ‘Maybe.’
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
This is very good.Or great. But it's confusing. You think she loves jake first and then shes sorta hates or fears him.?
Hi there!
I really liked your beginning and your narrator's voice. It was very Bella-esque (we all do tend to imitate the writers we like ^_^), but it still kept me interested. However, as time went on, I sort of lost interest in the story. I'm a sucker for new kid comes to town/girl doesn't want to fall in love with him but does anyway story lines, but your story was full of cliched characters. So, you got your blonde cheerleader, your evil principal, your boring math teacher, your depressed best friend, a feisty you--so what? We've heard that story line before. We've seen those characters before. The challenge of this story is to still create a working plot line that doesn't have cliched charcters. What if you switched things up a bit, added some deeper elements, etc.? The blonde turns out to be the principal's daughter, so she's expected to get the new boy. The narrator's best friend falls hard for Jake and it becomes a struggle to see will win the guy and if they can salvage a friendship.
You could also just have everyone abducted by aliens. That tends to work well.
Overall, you have a very engaging style, and I enjoyed reading the story. Just work on those cliches, and you might have a story. Best of luck!
Wiggy
To be honest, it wasn't confusing at all. I liked it: it seems truthful, fun and deeper than most romantic fiction posted here.
I'd like to read more (if you write some) and if you do write more, PM me!
I'm just going to come out and say it. The flashback did not confuse me at all, not even a bit. I knew exactly what was going on.
Alright.
I do think that the sex bit is slightly alarming but thats probably how I would feel too. I would probably actually freak out even more worse. I freaked out last week when on my first date (and I'm sixteen mind you) a guy held my hand. Now I am considerably weird and have issues haha. On the whole the way you took the scene was much better than some pink fluffy marshmallow scene where its so great and they love each other oh so much.
Anyways I like this, of course you can always improve but I think some improvements should be left up to the author to find.
I can't wait to hear some more, let me know when it is out.
--Rory
That story was sooooo awesome! Hey if you could, read my poetry sometime! Plz and thx! -Amber Rose
The flashback was not confusing at all.
Obviously, some people are not attentive.
Satina, I thought this was really good, like all your work is. You already know I am a big fan of yours so I'll just cut right to the review
hehe
The only part that wierded me out was the beginning when she said she couldn't stay with him and then she cried? Did she not want to do that? Or was she just scared? I'm slightly confused at that point...
Otherwise, it was very good!
Hope you write more of this!
I really liked it, you had good descriptions and i really got attached to the main character. Um, I don't understand why everyone is so confused by the flashback. But I'm sure a second chapter would clear it up.
ok, I agree in some ways. I personally havent had recess since elementary school, or 5th grade. But at the same time different countries, or different regions have different cultures and schools and so I don't think its fair to say that she wouldn't have recess.
But since more than one person has said this, I personally would change it to study hall, or lunch or something, just to clear up the confusion.
I assume you will clear this up in a new chapter?
Please don't give up on it. It is a good story. I really don't understand why the flashback is confusing, but that is just advice to help you fix the story, dont throw it away, it has a good theme and your going in the right direction. you just need to clear some things up. I don't believe in spelling everything out, but maybe it was hard for some people. I really don't know how to tell you to fix it, because, I didn't really have any problems with it. I thought it was a great story, and I wasn't confused at all.
Point is, don't give up, I really think a second chapter would help clear things up alot.
Reading that a second time actually didn't make the flashback confusing for me. The principal must be scary, especially since she's wearing canary yellow. I think you should write more of the story, maybe it will help people to understand it better. (smack) By the way you're not ugly, considering I know who u r, I know you're not ugly. silly girl. I agree with some of the others point of views the sex bit was disturbing, especially the bit where he's washing himself. I thought only dogs did that.
I want to read more of this story, so submit it already.
OH GOODNESS! I LOVE THIS! This piece just captured me and makes me wonder what the full story is with Jake and Sam.
I loved the way that you went back in time after their night together. I think there night was described well, the way she didn't exactly enjoy herself and Jake, like any other guy, most likely did.
This piece is also very descriptive, like how you said that Rachel's hair was "mahogony", pardon me if my spelling is wrong.
Great piece.
I would love to read some more of your writings!
:]
Icaruss:
It helps, as I'm not used to writing realism.
Lol, I'm glad at least someone got that it's a flashback.
Yeah, I know it's not finished. It's a long and complicated story.
Hmm... I guess the flashback is rather irrelevant. I just wanted to introduce everything properly. Maybe I'll go back and start from a more relevant scene.
I spoke of brutality merely for the benefit of some of the younger readers here. Any 'brutal' element to it is simply found in my taking off the fuzzy edges and being blunt. Perhaps blunt would be a better word to use, then.
Well I'll certainly work on keeping the same element of realism in the rest of the story. A bit of a rewrite might be needed.
Thanks for all the pointers
JosephDean:
Thanks for reading
Yeah, blunt is what I was going for. I guess I got sick of writing fuzzy wuzzy stories, when life isn't like that.
Jemima:
You're not the first to comment on the flashback. I can't seem to get my head around why it's so confusing... Thanks for reading.
~Hailey~ xoxo
I thought it was good, but the flashback was really confusing. Maybe you should say its a flash back in your story.
Haha, I loved that ending. Somewhat predictable, but very much entertaining. Allow me to state that I literally laughed out loud at the blunt use of the .. erm...... italicized word near the beginning.
I read some of the comments, and I also had the brief Twilight thought as well, but I don't see anything that can really connect the two. I think this is an awesome piece and that you can describe your situations very well. I look forward to any future continuations!
joseph.dean-
Jesus in heaven. It's a flashback. What's the problem? It even says: A LIFETIME AGO. It's not complicated. It doesn't need to be put in italics. Other than that, it's pretty... bad. I'm sorry, I wasn't really planning on critiquing this but it hurts to see so many people not getting the story, when it's so easy to get. Now that I'm here, however, a few pointers.
This isn't finished. Yeah, so the girl and Jake get jiggy with it but it seems that the girl doesn't particularly like Jake. Why? We don't know. Jake seems to be pretty happy about sexing the girl, he even asks her to stay. The girl, I'm guessing she's just insecure and, well, a girl, feels used and disgusted with herself. We don't know why, because the story isn't finished. So... We don't particularly care.
Then the flashback. The flashback is full of little snips of information that no reader will find interesting. Why? Because we don't know these people. OK, so the narrator thinks the headmaster is evil. Alright. And her best friend has low self-esteem. Fine. But since the story doesn't develop, and since the conversations are really trivial and constantly interrupted, these characters are just.... characters in a story I'm reading on the Internet, instead of actual teenagers.
I find it funny that you said people would find it brutal. I don't really see the brutality. It seems similar to a lot of other teen romance stories here, only you use the word dick. Which was actually one of the parts I like, about her thinking if she's washing his dick off, and what the hell does that mean. That was good. In fact, the whole realistic, uncomfortable sex scene was a nice change. First times are clumsy and uncomfortable. In one of my stories I describe it like this: "He was clumsy and finished quickly, apologized right after." So, yeah, I liked that part. The other stuff wasn't that peachy. In fact, the other stuff was so similar to every other teen story, that it demerited the sex scene. Like, the realism of it was out of place.
Anyways, I hope all the other reviewers who were complaining about being confused all die. You just keep writing.
i am lost.
but i liked the piece.
i really think you should continue, so we, the readers, can get a better understanding of the characters.
but it's up to you if you want to continue it.
Thanks again for the comments, guys.
xGraceex:
Thanks, love. I'm glad you liked it
I agree with you about the age thing. The law can't factor in everyone's individual growing rate and everyone is ready for that kind of intimacy at different times.
And the flashback confused you, too? Hmm... I'll have to do something about that. What makes sense to me doesn't for the rest of the world. I must have a wonky mind or something...
KailaMarie:
Oh, that makes sense. I can see how you confused it, then. Here, we get recess all the way up until year 12.
Don't worry, you've haven't scared me off of writing forever or anything! I just don't know if it's the right kind of story to be posting on YWS. I don't mean I'm going to stop writing it. My bestie is a couple of chapters ahead, and she's threatened to do nasty things to me if I stop, so...
Thanks for your comments. I must be pretty spesh, I got two
Summerless:
Oops, thanks for pointing out the 'it's' thing. I read over a lot of my grammar errors without picking them up.
I think the Twilight comparison is due to the new kid/tiny school scenario. I don't think there will be any other similarities, though. This is as far from Twilight as you can get.
~Hailey~ xoxo
It's means "it is." Its is the possessive, which is the right word to use instead of the bolded word.
I don't think this is anything like Twilight. The style seems mostly original to me.
You had me a little confused with the flashback thing, but I reread it all again and now it makes more sense to me. I'd like to read more of this to find out how the plot will go. :]
- Summerless
Well here you don't have recess unless you're in elementary school, so that's why to me, that seemed very strangely young to be up to those kinds of shananagans.
also, I actually liked it all over, I didn't mean you should stop writing it!! Not at all, I was just saying my personal opinion to try and make any adjustments you wouldn't have seen yourself. And I'm sure if you did continue, the flashback would feel more relevent. And I really liked how you made it a very much more realistic love scene, because I myself am very guilty of romantacizing love scenes. They're never perfect, and I like how you made it realistic (even though it was a little brutal). But I am intrigued by the MC's reaction to the whole thing. I'd want you to continue!!!
=D
-Kaila
Yes the flashback confused me too - which part came first? the first part with the sex or the second part with them in class? i still really liked it though, im fifteen and in england it is legal to lose your virginity at 16 - not that im gonna do that! i think the law definately stil should be changed because i stil feel like a young teenager, not ready for that kind of thing. annyway your story was really good, it showed a different side to being a teenager than just the soppy love stuff that people often write about which isnt all teh time true. great story
Lol, of all the things I thought this might get compared to, Twilight certainly wasn't the top of my list
Disturbing, yes. Reality often is. Hmm... perhaps I've posted in the wrong forum...
Well, thanks so much for reading
~Hailey~ xoxo
hmm, the flashback at the beginning confused me as well (it's not clear that it is one! put it in italics or something to distinguish from the rest)
and then it reminded me of twilight... very much so (but i don't blame you, steph meyer's style is somewhat addictive)
overall: i'm thinking the new guy will be jake, right? but apart from that, i can't see what's going to be happening and i like the dialogues (not the sex bit, though, that was disturbing, but just my personal opinion ^^)
keep going!
Thanks for reading.
The flashback is relevant in the whole scheme of things, but I understand that it doesn't feel that way. This story has a circular structure, where I flash back to the past and write back up the the present.
Well, in an ideal world, they would be too young to be having sex. But teens loose their virginity at an average age of 16 in Australia, so perhaps we have been brought up in different areas?
I think I will have to start using double quotation marks. There is theoretically nothing wrong with single ones, so long as you are consistent, but so many people comment on that...
I don't think I will post anymore of this story on here. It was an exercise in reality. I wanted to strip away all the gooey lovey-dovey aspects of love I normally write about and tell it how it is. Perhaps a little brutal... Never mind then. Thank you for reading, anyway
~Hailey~
At first I was confused too, but I went back and reread the part after the bold paragraph, because I realized it was probably the transition point, and I got it.
Another problem I had with the flashback was that it felt almost irrelevent. Like yeah, it was the first time she'd heard of him, but I would continue to when they actually meet or something.
Speaking of that, if they're old enough to have sex, they are too old to have recess.
And I'm a little confused why she was so upset that she had sex with him. Was it because she just wasn't ready yet? I would make that a little more clear.
Other than that, I liked it, except when you write the dialogue, you should use full quotation marks.
-Kaila
Wow, was it really that bad? EEk, perhaps it should be chucked into the 'Do Not Continue' bin.
The dividing paragraph in bold actually marks the beginning of a flash back to the past. That's not quite clear, then...
Well, thanks for reading. Sorry it was so confusing. One of those 'hits you at 1am and you can't sleep until you write it donw' moments.
~Hailey~ xoxo
You deffinatly lost me. It seems she is with this Jake dude at first, then she doesn't even know him. Please tell me if I read it wrong, because I got to the point of scanning sense I was being told to get off. But it seems a little choppy, and not all right. And her reading thoughts. I'm LOST!!!!
TNC