Published December 15, 2009
I woke up late
My curling iron broke
Forgot to eat breakfast
Off I go
To, I walk
Oh man...oh no
Did that car really just splash me?
That’s just my luck
Finally at school
First bell just rang
My lockers jammed
Looks like I'm late again
That’s just ducky
5th hour comes
The days almost done
Hurray Woo hoo
Are you serious?
Really
I forgot my pencil and I have a test
Wow
My day has been horrible
I’m not Joking either
On my way home now
I walk alone
Not for long though
He walks up beside me
Walks me home
ie not my normal writing
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Hi death2.. hum preps. I'm Kat! Nice meeting ya. I'll be reviewing
So, first a few nit-picks. There were very few of them, but I was disappointed when I actually found one, since there weren't any other these really stand out.
I simply can't understand this line. Did you mean that you were walking too? Like, it was a bad thing to go walking to school? Or were you trying to say walking to (towards)something? Yep, confusing.
Locker's. The contraction of locker with 'is'.
Day's. Again, the same contraction.
Jocking doesn't need to be capitalized.
So, overall, I really liked this. It had a good ring to it, a steady rhythm, and it honestly fun to read. I just feel like it had no disclosure, no ending. Yes, she walks home with a boy. But does that make her crappy day worth it? Who is the boy? Yep, a lot of questions in the air. But it was a fun read! Thanks for posting
- Kat
I agree with stuffkatiewrites that some of the phrases you used took this poem from being poetry to being a conversation. While I think you do a good job of showing the mundaneness of everyday life as a teenager, I wish you had infused a bit more emotion into it. How does it feel to be splashed with water? Upset? Frustrated? Cold? How does it feel to have this boy come alongside you and walk you home? I just would like more insight into how this mediocrity makes you feel.
Hey, so I think most of the poem has a good flow to it. I like the lack of punctuation, actually. It helps replicate the fast paced day you seem to be describing. Rhymes are a great thing in poetry, but some of these seem a bit forced, and there doesn't appear to be any scheme to it which makes it a bit harder to understand. Also some of the word choices ("ducky" "Hurray Woo hoo" "I'm not joking either") take the colloquial tone of this a bit too far. It seems like you want this to be conversational, but there's still a difference between prose and poetry that I think gets a bit jumbled sometimes. A good start though. =]
Hey there! Here to review. Just a reminder, there is a 3:1 review ratio and it would be great it you could stick to that!
Some lines in the poem are really cute! It feels very down to earth and a pretty good representation of school life. However, you seem to be lacking in rather a lot of punctuation along the way! Although poetry is ... well ... poetry, you do need punctuation and capitalization just like a story! Not every line in the poem needs to be capitalized, just those that follow a period, exclamation mark, question mark, etc.
In addition, the poem feels a bit bland at points. It's just running through the day with barely any emotions or deeper things that will make it extremely interesting for the reader.
I feel that what you have here is somewhat of a base for what could be a really great, cute and quirky poem! My first advice would be to tighten up on your grammar, and my second one would be to expand on things (especially the last lines) and really make this poem one that people relate to, rather than just read.
Hope this helps!
~Amy