It was that one trip to the house
Why did we have to go?
That’s where it all started
It’s not our fault, we didn’t know!
So we went to the house
And had fun; no fears
But what we didn’t know
Is that the house had been haunted for 200 years
And on the night before we would have left
This is where it began
When we found out we all ran
But we all knew
Doing that wouldn’t help at all
Because already
One of our group had taken a fall
We knew it would catch us
But we hid in fright
Trying so hard
To stay out of sight
When the next in our group left
I knew I was last
And before my eyes
I saw my past
My time was next
That ever so soon I would die
And with that in mind I just couldn’t hold it in
So I began to cry
Then someone said be quiet
It was all my friends
And I knew they’d be with me
Until the very end
But wait there’s more
It doesn’t there
Because unfortunately for you
That was just a scare
I felt warm air
Then saw a sunbeam
And when I looked up
I found it was only dream
It was just OK for me. Well written, yes, but not that original. It flowed very well and you got to the point, but I didn't see anything too special about it. One small piece I would fix:
But we all knew
Congratulations, you've mastered rudimentary rhyme. However, this does not become poetry just through the ability to match similar pronounciations. Your rhythm changes bewilderingly after about ten lines. You go from fast long lines to short, fluctuating lines and this totally threw me off. I actually through the beginning was really good, you had a great flow but it was suddenly disrupted. The rest just seems to fade off, like you rushed it all. Retain the start, but scrap the rest is my advice. Then slow down and take time with it all.
120,374 Literary Works • 649,622 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
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