"Jamie? Jamie, ya there? Come on, we're gonna be late for Earth club! We're wasting time. And
everyone one knows that every second can be spent saving our world. Jamie!?"
For a second, I thought whether I should respond or not. Maybe if I was silent Macy would think that I
already left. She would probably go to the club, see that I wasn't there, assume I got lost, and then
apologize in the morning for not being a good friend for leaving, yata-yata. I would say that she rocks
at being a friend, and then suggest lightly that we forget the club and go to the movies instead. Maybe
we could-
"JAMIE PETERSON, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Crud, good luck with that.
"Alright, alright, I'm coming. Just cool a sec." A thought came to me, simple, but good. "You know
what," I said from the locker room shower, "You just go on ahead, and I'll meet you there, okay?"
It was silent for a minute. "Um..." I heard Macy doubt my statement. I didn't blame her, I lied a lot.
Not like I was proud of it, she was just so darn gullible. "Oh...okay. I mean, if you know where it is-"
"Of course I do! By the ugh...by the umm..." Oh shit, where was the gay club again?. "Ugh...the
McAdams tree in the park?"
"No! We're meeting at the Memorial Fountain in Parkview! Gosh, Jamie, maybe I shouldn't-"
"Great! That means it won't take me too long to get there!" I thought of all the possible stops I
could make, being easily distracted, and smiled. That meant I would be late, and Mrs. Mapletree didn't
like late people.
I heard defeat in my friend's high voice. "Fine," she said, "I'll see you there. It starts in fifteen
minutes."
"Don't worry Mace! I'll have plenty of time."
"If you say so...I'll see you soon. Hurry." And with that, I heard her heels clicking the bathroom as
the door opened and then shut. I took a sigh of relief then began to put on my clothes, slowly and
nonchalantly. Of course, hurrying was the last thing I cared about.
When I was done, with was about ten minutes, I opened the stall and prepared to walk out the
rickety door, when I noticed a girl against the wall. She was using an i-pod. I wasn't sure when she had
showed up, but she just...did.
Her auburn hair fell around her face, but when she lifted her head up, it
hung in careless waves down her back. I was about to keep moving when she said, "Hey."
"Hey," I said, kinda surprised. "How long have you been here?"
"Long enough," she said. It was one of those lines you said to be cool, but it just sounded out of an
action movie.
"Okay...well, I'm gonna go." I was about to walk out when suddenly she was there, blocking my way
out.
"You know," she said, "I heard what you said to your friend. Nice lie." Her voice turned from normal
to acidic, in like, two seconds. Like she was accusing me.
"What," I asked, my voice the same, "Would [i]you want to go to Earth club?" I said it like it was the
worst thing on the world. which to me, it was. Like I cared about trees and rainbows. What was I, a love
child?
"No, but I wouldn't have completely blown her off, either." Her cool gray eyes cut into slits.
"Well, sorry everyone in the world can't be like you. But some people actually have a life." I had
finally worked my way around her and into the hall.
"Maybe you'll learn what friendship truly means." By now I was in the hall, walking quickly towards
the exit, and not taking another look at that creepy girl. Although I acted like I cared less, her words
really did shake me a bit. And her eyes...ugh, they were just creepy. Dead, like graveyards.
"Weirdo," I said as I made my way to Parkview, not even realizing I would never make it to the spot.
I fell into a manhole.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I can say that you are talented in writing.Good work.
But more over,you should have described little more of the environment and about Macy.
Your mysterious character seems to be good.More like a ghost.
And your ending should have been a little bit more mysterious,let the reader anticipate what
will happen next.Make him/her curiose.
Good story though.
Well done.
good read, although i noticed some things that could use improving
plz dont take this the wrong way, just trying to help
like the way you put this, the effectiveness is in its simpleness (plz exuse the wierd use of 'ness' on simple)
also, (critique this time :p ) 'Mrs. Mapletree'? sry, but i pretty much laugh at the name, but that's just because im pretty sure ive never heard someone with that name, it would probably work better with a different name, you could even probably use the name of one of your teachers.
maybe describe the surroundings a bit more, such as 'I called as the water dripped slowly from the nearby shower...' something simple like that can help the reader envision the shower room.
perhaps move the start of the sentence to a different place, just an idea, ignore it if you want.
try not to use the word 'like' to many times, sounds bad after a while
again, just an idea
one more thing, just plz try to explain the surroundings, just a little here and there can help alot with the reader.
that's all
you have alot of talent, don't be discouraged by any critiques
-Grimy
Hey welcome! I know as a younger person this sort of comment is kind of annoying but this is pretty strong for someone who's thirteen. That might sound backhanded but I SUCKED at 13.
Find a better way to describe her eyes as 'dead' than 'graveyards'.
I fell into this trap too early on, I creatively call it the 'way too much dialouge trap'. There's almost no description in this story. People have senses, show us that. When you meet a new person you notice a lot of things about them. When you walk through a locker room you see things, you (gross) smell things. Describe the environment.
I liked how Jamie is kind of a brat, the way she manipulates Macy, the way her mind connives about things is all really great. I enjoyed there back-and-forth the most out of anything. Good personality characterizing. Try and tell us what she looks like though, but be sure to be subtle about it. Maybe she passes a mirror in the locker room or sees her reflection in a window.
Pretty good use of mysterious character. As a redhead though, why does the creepy kid gotta be ginger huh?
I think you need to slow down your narrative a little bit and description would help here too. I hesitate to turn you too much to describing things because people over describing is just as annoying as under describing. You gotta find a balance though.
The ending, specifically the last sentence, is a mixed bag. It's really sudden and a big reveal for the first chapter but gives the hook you want. Eh, I'm ambivalent about it.
Cool start, this was a fun read. If you have any questions or anything feel free to send me a PM. Keep it up and hope you enjoy your time at YWS!
I see that you are pretty new - so. WELCOME
WOOOOOOT!
Over all i thought that this story was OK - I am very impressed by your level of writing, seeing how you are only 13...I am very impressed.
Alas, i cannot go all day just praising you. Here is my critique.
Enjoy.
Lets start at the beginning - Now, you failed to give a clear mise en scene/ setting. Until one third of the way through. At the beginning I thought that Macy was at Jamie's front door lol - so yes :/ very irksome.
Oh! One question. If Jamie and Macy are both girls, then why couldn't Macy just go into the lockerooom to find Jamie?
It might also have been nice to get some description on Jamie. Her appearance - her history with Macy etc etc
I am afraid that you used far too many colloquialisms for my taste. It is Ok and sometimes vital to use slang in dialogue, but never in narration or description. Or else you run the risk of alienating a reader who does not understand the slang terms and phrases.
HOWEVER! I did love the sassy attitude that you gave to Jamie - she seemed very real. With her idioms and such.
The Mysterious girl was very well crafted, and i like how she was introduced into the scene - I assume that she is going to be a reoccurring narrative device. If so, then you should really give some more hints to the reader or make her presence much bigger.
I'd strong suggest that you omit this - it reads very offensively and makes both "Jamie" and you seem bigoted.
Very confusing syntax here :/ I just have no idea what you're getting at.
Again, I am confused by your wording. Do you perhaps mean "When i was done with, in about ten minutes," ?
There were also a handful of punctuation errors that I noticed - yet i am no expert on punctuation. So it is best to leave that lion to sleep
The ending seemed very abrupt and unsatisfying. A little "nonchalant", like it was just put there to end the chapter and to serve no other purpose.
Perhaps, the mysterious girl could shout "watch your step" or something - it would make for a little comedy. Or try to describe the sensation of falling into the manhole.
These are only suggestions.
Anyway Dearest chuck - you can clearly write well. So please do not misconstrue my critique for nastiness or a put-down. I am honestly trying to help.
Well done
Love
Kris
x