Published January 3, 2010
I call to the winter
For I call for thee to come
How I miss thee, come hither.
I give thee an august for sum.
For the heat is extra to bear,
There is meager peace and white.
The summer does not care about its air,
As too long does last the light.
I seek thy solace.
The leaves bear no value in color.
Not even fall is in adolescence
I need thy temperature of polar.
I see thy white aid!
The leaves are colored and laid.
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It felt a little repetitive. Yes, it painted a beautiful picture of yearning in the reader but it was essentially the same image, over and over. She wants winter--now, she's sick of the august heat. It also has the potential to be expanded-- I thought it might be interesting if she yearned for winter through the years, starting with spring, then summer, then autumn, then winter--- and then she rejoices at the first sign of chill, or snow.
I guess that was a super-lame review of you work, since I essentially said, "here's what I would do if it were my poem not yours.." but that's what I've got for you.
If you don't want to take that advice *scoffs at the idea* here's a little nitpick of your work:
I think you can do better than white. These are your last two lines of your poem-- try something a little more descriptive. One a random note, I like the use of an exclamation point-- something I usually hate in poetry. But you pulled it off.
Once again, sorry if that was wortheless
xxooxx
The Universe
I liked the poem very much.The wording is really nice.I guess I don't know much about the details of writing poems because I am a very inexperienced writer but overall I found the poem very beautiful.
There is some good imagery and wording in this poem, but something seemed off to me; a little forced? Like you were focused on making it old fashioned and not on making it flow. Maybe try setting the number of syllables in a line, so that there is some kind of order. Also, in the first three bars you seem to say the same thing; if you used a set number of syllables, say ten, you could probably fit all that in one line.
I thought the last two lines were the best, and 'the leaves bear no value in colour'. If you gave this poem a structure then it would be good, because you've got the decription thing down to a tea, m'dear. x