It is a December night.
Two teenagers meet under the moonlight.
João: I love you more than you could know.
Ysabel: I do know. You're my world, my all.
João: To you does my life owe.
Ysabel: How does my name call?
João: It gives meaning.
Ysabel: Just as you provide?
João: Yes, for on you love is leaning.
Ysabel: With each other all time does is bide.
João: I give a kiss
Ysabel: How wonderful it feels.
João: Soon midnight will cause me to miss.
Ysabel: Do not worry, my world is that of flower petals.
João: It appears there is more to it.
Ysabel: Snow, let's not get frost bit.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there dawgsnlocust! I'm Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today!
So, I liked this conversation style poetry you decided to experiment with. I don't think I've seen it done a lot, and it has some merits to it that I can appreciate.
I also liked the wintery setting of this poem. It reminds me of home, during Christmas, when the sun sets around six o'clock in the evening. It gets all dark and then, if there's snow on the ground, when the moon comes out everything is just drenched in the moonlight that reflects off of the snow. It's really quite amazing.
But, I think you need to work on your dialogue here. You seemed to be rather focused on your rhyming, and your dialogue kind of suffered. Consider setting aside the rhyming part of the poem in favor of improving the dialogue.
So, anyways, a good poem, but it needs some work. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send a PM my way.
Good job, and good luck!
-Conrad Rice
Okay after reading the first line, I am thinking alright a cliche love poem. You should find a different setting. Maybe a solar eclipse? Those are cool and underused. Especially for love poems, eh?
Okay, so after reading the first stanza, I've come to the conclusion that you're not Shakespeare. Also you try to be graceful, or at least speaking in a tone that doesn't fit too well. It seems out of you, not your thing, you know what I mean? You're using "for on you love is leaning" and it just seems weird... and it's like you're trying to be Shakespeare.
Also the ending... "Let's not get frost bit" with the snow and all... This sort of comes out of no where, and just ends the poem. Sort of abrupt.
Also your rhyme... I didn't even notice it was there until the 3rd stanza, I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I am going to say it's bad. How is it bad? I am not sure, I am not a rhyming expert but it doesn't seem right. Maybe it's bad syllable count, I don't know.
Over all, I'd have to sake good job. Shakespeare is hard and this gave off a little bit of him and that is not easy. I'd think after a few more, you might get his style down.
Keep writing. I honestly can't wait to see if you do or not. =].
Silented1.
I really, really love the idea. I feel like its a night in december as I read this. Beautiful.
However...
That was my favorite line,
It was the only one that didn't rhyme.
Okay, it was a half-rhyme. Like the one I wrote above.
I think this would be much more meaningful poem if you didn't try to rhyme. Dialogue is tricky enough as it is, without you adding rhyme into the mix.
If you want to rhyme, you have to watch out for what I call yoda-speak.
"Your love a rose petal is to me."
You know what I mean, where you rearrange the verbs and the objects so that the last word can rhyme? You can get away with it in normal poetry, but if you're writing dialogue between two people, it's just.... odd.
I don't really know how to remedy that, except to say try taking out the parts that do what I described above. Some examples in your work,
and
So try writing these like,
I owe my life to you.
Love is leaning on you (don't understand wha this means but..)
A lot of things rhyme with you- hue, too, ewe, new, sue, to name a.. few.
But think about the none-rhyming approach as well.
Keep poem-writing,
xxooxxx
******The Universe********