Published April 15, 2010
Muted sighs passing from the lips across the way
As I call my lover, the morning of today.
Her phone is off as she sleeps through the suns gold rays.
Her diluted dreams drift and pass in the air does she dream of me?
Her sapphire eyes lidded, hiding from the world the thoughts of her mind.
Can she dream in color?
I want her to see me.
Feel my arms embracing her in a big soft, warm hug.
I want her to feel me shield her from the frigid ocean gusts.
Let the wind blow, sand fly and waves let in and out, I won’t let go.
800 miles away and I wont to let go
So my Love,
When your dream is over, when the eyes are revealed,
Sigh and stretch as if for the first time.
Rub your eyes, turn on your phone and smile when you hear this,
"Good Morning Hannah & I Love you" – that’s all that matters
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
This should have a period after air, because the next part is a new sentence.
And this part confuses me, maybe the world is the thoughts of her mind? If so, then there should be a comma after 'world'.
I think you meant to say want, not won't.
Or you meant to say "I won't let go."?
To me, that sounds a little awkward. Maybe it could be changed to "Good morning Hannah, I love you, and that's all that matters."
But over all, I think this poem is sweet, and I agree with JaneThermopolis. The rhyming just stops after the beginning. But that can be fixed.
This struck me as a forced rhyme, but the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme, so I'm left wondering if the rhymes in the first stanza were unintentional? In any case, I suggest going through and seeing if your can rephrase the first three lines of the poem. A good way to check if your poem flows well is to read it out loud; if it sounds off, that's likely because something is off.
The punctuation also struck me as a bit iffy in places, particularly in the last line of the first stanza and the third line of the second stanza. The last line of the first is missing a period after "air", and the third line of the second has an unnecessary period that disrupts the connection between it and the next line. A comma is more appropriate.
"800 miles away and I wont to let go" should be "800 miles away and I won't let go."
Overall, punctuation is the main issue this poem has. Generally, poems follow the same rules of punctuation as prose. A good way to make sure your poem is properly punctuated is to rearrange it into prose form and check before putting it back into poem form.
Pretty interesting poem...cute too...
But unfortunately...I've got a couple nit-picks...
"Her diluted dreams drift and pass in the air does she dream of me?" There should be a period between air and does, so Does she dream of me? is actually just one sentence.
"I wont to let go" Put an apostrophe in WON'T!
By the way...your poem started rhyming at first in the first stanza, but in the second and third, nothing rhymes...you should probably change that somehow.
Overally a really cute story.
-Jane