Chapter 1 - The Classroom
As the bright picturesque sun lit their face I found myself mesmerised, I had never experienced a feeling of such an idealist nature. Our eyes met from one end of the classroom to the other, from one side it was a friendly expression but from mine it was so much more. Long after they looked away I stared infatuated with every aspect of their being. I was immensely delighted, yet the harrowing thought for me was that of all that I have desired for they were nothing compared to this, unlike before, this was no outrageous blond bombshell this time instead of a feminine beauty it was the complete opposite.
There had been so many girls in my life and when they left I always had the same feeling, that being that something wasn’t right and I always put it down to the girl. Little did I know the problem lied in myself.
However, as I looked distantly at his face ,with such an inviting smile beaming from it, I instantly knew that this was different, there was no wrong feeling this time. For some reason Steve felt different, I felt more of connection to him than any girl I had ever met. And as he strolled over I felt his eyes all over me. I started to feel anxious and nervous yet his smile immediately calmed me.
He sat, smiling for a few seconds before he decided to say anything. “So you coming out tonight”. I had no plans to do anything yet I waited a few seconds as if I was contemplating it. “Yeah, but to do what” I said very nonchalantly. Steve looked at me wondering what they could do on this Friday night. “Well we could just sit in my house, you could even stay the night if you wanted”. I felt all the anxiety rush back and as I went to say yes I simply squeaked. “Well, when you decide text or call me, okay David” said Steve before I had the chance to make up for the fact that I had just made a complete fool of myself. Steve walked back to his table and I went back to my studies, but my mind was far from on school as this would be my first time sleeping over with Steve.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this is an interesting one. For starters I guess there's no doubting exactly where this story is headed considering that title is much more of a category of where this book falls or a mini description than an actual title, which if you genuinely want that to be a title you might want to think about. Then of course we have this beginning which makes it seem vaguely like some sort of magic situation is happening with sort of the grandeur of the description but it is also that slightly exaggerated but always fun romance introduction situation and it does a decent job of getting your attention so let's see where this goes.
Aand yup that's proceeding pretty much how these sorts of romance based stories tend to go, well I suppose of the addition of that whole realization segment which does make sense for this particular variety on the romance genre. So far this is proceeding along pretty neatly here, let's see where this ends up I suppose.
Well that was a decent first interaction. It did have pretty much the right amount of awkwardness although the reactions were perhaps a tiny bit sort of milder than you'd expect at times while stronger at times, it was a tiny bit all over the place but then that's not too much of an issue since that reflects romance pretty well anyway, so on the whole, this is a pretty solid start right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
OKay, so I like the idea of this story: boy finds out about his sexuality after many failed attempts with having girlfriends by meeting his Prince Charming and coming to a realization. But... plot-wise, it seems kind of sudden. I mean, is this the first time David and Steve have met/talked to each other? Or have they talked/been interested in one another for some time? Because if it's the former, then this is REALLY sudden: "Hey, you wanna come spend the night?" That's really reallllllyyy moving fast, if you ask me.
d
Also, there's a lot of punctuation errors, dealing with comma placement as well as periods placement; sometimes, it's hard to see where one sentence starts and another begins. Your dangling modifiers are misplaced, as well.
On a good note, your vocabulary is really good. You use very descriptive words like "picturesque, nonchalantly, etc."
This story needs some work, but I think it could be really good with some work.
~Braiden
A lot of shaky sentence structure, several grammar/punctuation errors, and several places where it's just plain choppy. I think most of it has been pointed out.
You don't get a very solid feel for either of the characters, so you don't know how they would handle certain situations - try to strengthen that a little? Right now, if you switched POV, I doubt anyone would be able to tell the difference except by the names.
Several messy sentences, some spelling errors, and it's overall just clumsy and hard to take in.
So far, this has potential but definitely needs a lot of polishing.
Nice suspense build-up through dialogue. Don't forget to add a punctuation mark before the end quote.
Example:
Good job. *proceeds to read the next part of the story*
Since it doesn't make sense to turn into the Grammar Witch--and what's the point, anyway?--all I have to say is...
That was really nice! Everything I wanted to say has already been said, so...ditto to what everyone else said! ^^
To be more original, I really liked it! The emotions seemed really true, but they seemed a little short. One emotion was felt for a very short time, so I barely had a chance to imagine the feeling. There were a few grammatical errors, like where periods and commas and such should've been in dialogue where they weren't. I spotted a spelling error, too...
It should be 'mesmerized' not 'mesmerised'.
No i couldnt think of a name so i just put my own
This is an impressive piece of writing! I like the plot line and I liked how you showed the characters secondary to the setting. I've always done that too. Well done!
Hey there.
Not really a good hook. You've used three powerful words in the opening which already makes it quite hard to digest for the reader. As a result, they might not even bother to read the rest. Picturesque, mesmerised and idealist. They are words which are quite heavy in meaning. You do not want to start off like that, as we the reader have nothing to relate this to at the moment since it is the start, and to be confronted with 3 powerful words already is kinda put off.
This is an info dump. You should be able to describe the appearance of their eyes/facials instead of telling us what to see. And do we really need to know what their expressions are like so early on? Shouldn't we be able to figure it out ourselves?
So many adjectives you don't need. You are being too wordy for an idea that is so simple to grasp.
Overall impressions:
This is not good. There is no character development at all and we the reader know little of what is happening. The main point of it really is that this guy likes another guy, but I fail to see the chemistry of it, despite all the info dumps in the piece. If time was taken to develop the characters and the situation at hand, then this would actually had been a decent read, rather than the rush mess it is right now. Comparing his feelings with his past feelings with girls...show it...don't tell me it, you've pretty much spoiled it for me.
Show, don't tell, and develop your characters and situation at hand.
Andy.
I liked but I have to ask: since your name is david2oo8 are you david in the story?
I REALLY LOVE your story please let me know when you put up the next section
Thanks for the comments and yes i am gay
I will try and describe the setting more, but for me when writing it has always come secondary to the characters feelings
OK I liked it with the characters I think you did really well letting us know what they were like and letting us into David's thought but... but what was Steve's house like? what is the school like? yup think that's about it I really liked it partly because I think this is only the second gay romance on here just a question and you don't have to answer if you don't want... are you gay? just because you did a really good job on thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for the review
In later chapters i put periods in but not always so i will put them in before i post the other chapters
Thanks again
Well, sense no one else has said anything. Here it goes.
It was pretty good. Good discriptions and such. I didn't really see anything except you need to put a period after someone talks. But ya, keep going. This is a really bad crit, but I tend to do readers' crits not grammer ones. But keep going.
Chapter 2 - Please leave Feedback
As my mums car went speeding past house after house I could only think of one thing, Steve. My mind was so completely indulged in fantasies I knew were never going to happen, but a man can dream, right? We drew up to Steve’s three bedroom semi-detached house which was painted an awful shade of white. I saw Steve slouched on the sofa in his living room, I almost ran to that front door, not before telling my mum I would be a good boy, which really annoyed me as I was 15 now and that crap got old about 14 year ago.
I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, which was almost immediately opened by a now upright and beaming Steve. He was wearing a blue shirt with dark blue pinstripes with a pair of rugged looking jeans, whereas I was wearing a rather fetching pair of old jeans and a T-Shirt I hadn’t wore for months so I wasn’t looking my best. After a long silence I finally was asked to come in.
We spent the next several hours watching TV and playing video games, and when it reached three in the morning and I could hardly keep my eyes open I knew it was time for bed. As I changed into my shorts and t-shirt that I spent a good couple of hours picking I could see Steve getting changed and looking over in my direction. I didn’t acknowledge that I had seen him but I had a feeling he knew.
I lay in Steve’s bed, which I had recently found out I would be spending the night in, me at one end he at the other. We quickly got onto the topic of anyone we had crushes on.
“David, you like anyone from school” Steve had a inquisitive look upon his face
“Not really” I was a barefaced liar but what could I do say I liked another boy?
“Not really, that mean you do?”
“Eh no its just a figure of speech isn’t it”
“Okay, you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to”
But the truth was I did want to tell him, I honestly did, I wanted to tell him right there that for the first time in my life I found someone I really liked and that person was him. However, I didn’t want to ruin things as they were going pretty smoothly.
“Its not that I don’t want to tell you anything its just there’s nobody I like, so what about you” I quickly tried to change the subject, but in my rush for change I asked a question I really didn’t want to hear the answer to.
“I sort of do, I thought they liked me too but I think I was just being stupid”
My heart sank. I just wanted to stop the whole conversation right there and then, but that would have cause suspicion so I had to ask who it was.
“So eh who is it then”
“No one just a lost cause”
When I put aside the fact that I was upset that he liked someone I could see that he was hurt about this whole thing. What was strange was he never showed any sign of emotional torment until now.
“You okay, you seem a little troubled”
“Its just, and please don’t tell anyone or laugh, but I really liked this person and the way they looked at me made me think I had a chance.”
“So what’s changed”
“They like someone else, someone completely different from me”
“Well whoever she is I’m sure she’s nothing but a dumb crush”
I had no idea why I was being so supportive I should just be saying get the bitch out your head and turn gay, but I decided the best thing to a relationship is a friendship and that’s what I’m just going to have to have.
“David, you’re a mate right?”
“Yeah of course I am”
“Like no matter what”
I had no idea where this was going but I was going to follow it anyway,
“Yeah no matter what”
“Well I think I like a guy”
I had no clue what to say, but when I finally got to my senses all I could manage to say was.
“Who, … who is he”
I watched as he struggled with his emotions, I dare not ask him again but deep down I was dying to know.
“Look I understand if you don’t want to stay over tonight” Steve was apologising for being gay, little did he know I was having the exact same thoughts.
“What… course not … you’re the same person right” I always thought I would be on the opposite end of this conversation with one of my mates saying closely what I just said .
“Yeah but you know how it is, people in school their not really big on gay guys” whimpered Steve.
“Yeah tell me about it” I was seconds away from telling him yet I kept back every emotion filled word.
“So could you keep it to yourself”
“Yeah sure” I was wishing and hoping for something to give me the courage to tell him but all the sensation of courage collapsed and I lay my head on the bed with my eyes filled with tears.