She cuts herself to vent the pain,
alleviate the strain,
everydays the same.
When she gets tired of life,
her salvations the knife,
become it's slave, it's master and it's wife.
Though it's becoming hard to hide what she needs,
twenty-seven degrees,
and in long sleeves.
Resigned to the fact no-one understands,
these biological demands,
that prevents her making long-term plans.
There's a rush she gets from leaving scars,
like speeding cars,
after leaving bars.
But one day she knows she'll cut too deep,
forget bloods not cheap,
and fail to awaken from her sleep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Here I am, writing reviews for pieces lost to the deep archives of YWS. It's just that I think this poem deserves one review done in the style followed now.
I'll begin with nitpicking:
How about rewriting this as, "She cuts herself to vent the pain
and alleviate the strain;
Every day is the same."
I've tweaked the punctuation a little, that's all.
*salvation's*
And I would suggest rewriting the second line as such: "She becomes its slave, master and wife."
The difference between its and it's is simple: Its is a possessive form of the pronoun it, meaning belonging to it.
It’s is a contraction of the words it is or it has.
I recommend removing the "though".
The first line can end with a semi colon.
How about rewriting the second and third lines too?
"It's twenty seven degrees,
and she's wearing long sleeves."
These lines were vague, and I felt like they'd only been inserted for the sake of the rhyme scheme.
Join these lines. Splitting them for a rhyme was a bad idea.
*blood's not cheap*
Okay, that's all the criticism I have.
Otherwise, this poem is something that I could deeply connect too. In a sense, it troubled me; there is raw emotion in this poem, and somehow that transmitted to me.
Personally it struck a chord in me; at one point, I was cutting myself. And the part about using long sleeves to hide the scars, well, that's something I did too.
I suppose people have their reasons for liking or disliking this poem, but I can't say what exactly I feel. I don't dislike it, because to me it's a reminder of what happened. And while that's a bit triggering, I don't blame you for it. So I suppose I do like it; it's short, simple, and completely relatable.
I hope you're still writing, wherever you are.
- Lee
OMG, OMG, OMG, this was absolutely magnificent! It almost made me cry! I got teary-eyed! This poem is so underrated and deserves to be a part of my "Review Old Works Project"! I can't believe this has only one flippin' like! The title is perfect and so is the rhyme scheme. In my opinion there is no fault to it! Keep writing! And this deserves to be bumped up! It's better than the majority of my poems.
~Keep <3
Keep Writing, I would like to see more of your work.
I am sure the beating will be had soon enough....
Great story. Keep up the good work!
-- M.B.Author
Wow, I love youre style, by the way. Although I don't really know what the whole poem is about, it just kept telling actions that were happening, so I didn't really understand it. But it was a good read, and the rhyming was great.
I thought the rhyme scheme worked well and the flow turned out pretty well. Good job for not sinking to the horrible cliche level.
this might be bisased but I don't especially like the rhyming for this type of poem. It sounds sort of cutesy, and this is about someone cutting themselves for fun, not about cute little elves prancing around a meadow. I do, however, have to agree with Cars and Guitars about the last three lines. They are pretty good...just the rhyming sounds kind of forced. Like you had to stretch a little bit, like you wanted to put something there, you just couldn't find something that rhymed. Poetry is not supposed to be forced! It should just come to you.
This was a myriad of one emotion. For me, this brought the gut-wrenching heart-breaking tear-jerking emotion of disgust. I absolutely loathe these types of poems. You know, the ones where it's all about me and how the world hates me and how I'm going to do something about it. Well, my only advice is that you get over yourself already. The world isn't fair, and you have to accept it. Onto the terrible construction of this poem.
The rhyme scheme did little for this poem. It flowed in certain parts, but at others you just totally added way too many syllables. My advice: get rid of it.
Grammatically, it's not "it's" it's "its." That tended to deregulate what little flow of the poem there was.
The lasting impact was not there. Failing to awaken from sleep is used in practically every suicide poem around. The last bit was not up to par with the rest of the poem. The middle stanza didn't fit nor was it confluent with the rest of the poem.
I would've gotten more from a Pacers/Pistons game; I mean, at least Artest knows how to go out with a bang and not a fragile little whimper.
Your rhyme scheme is good, its natural and doesn't seem forced. I think you have done a good job with this poem.
But one day she knows she'll cut too deep,
forget bloods not cheap,
and fail to awaken from her sleep.
This part was especially beautiful. I think, however, that in the first spart instead of
"it's master and it's wife."
it should be
"it's master and his wife"
However, if this weren't what you were trying to mean, then keep it the other way. Just my little three cents.
I like your style, thought I don't like the theme of the poem.
The rhyme system is good.
However some of the words don't seem to 'fit', in a way. I don't like the fact you used leaving twice in stanza 3 so soon after each other.
But otherwise, good.