Published June 26, 2009
Trains just come and go:
they are leaving no mark,
they are leaving no stains,
trains follow the dark.
And their road is fake:
if they break that cage
great trouble they'll make-
they will end their age.
They just don't exist,
they come, stop and go;
on their travels list
they are still John Doe.
No one remembers
the life they have led;
trains are just members
of dismembered dead.
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Hey what gave you the inspiration, very unique and unexpected from a poem
gathering that you take an interest in trains?
yet whenever anyone writes something, it always has to contain something to do with death! why?
It wasn't really neciasarry, but it was an inspiring piece and I enjoyed reading it
very good. i like the fact that it's unique
well done
good luck
Don't you just hate it when a stranger points out every little detail in your writing they think should be changed, then say, "Good job, keep writing!
"
Ha, ha. Don't worry... I'm not one of those people.
I like the hyphen before "trains"; it creates a dramatic pause.
"With leaving" doesn't sound quite right; consider a different word or eliminate "with" completely.
And forget what Juniper said- repetition is a wonderful artistic tool and you used it well.
Not sure of the meaning behind the word "sage" here.
As a general piece of advice:
If the structure you choose for your poem confines you, abandon it. (No, I don't mean you should adopt a different rhyme scheme halfway through a poem, but if something just doesn't work, consider another pattern of simply drop the rhyme all together.)
If you really want to keep this ABAB pattern, perhaps a creative, slant rhyme is the solution. (Example: "face" & "haze" kinda rhyme with "cage"...) Or maybe the word "stage" could be used, given you adjust the final line of the stanza.
I'm not sure, but a hyphen might suit your porpuses better after "exist." I love the "come, stop, go" bit. It's almost mother goosey, but in the best way possible.
The words "travels list"... should "travels" be possessive, with an apostrophe?
A very strong ending. It absolutely slams the door closed on this topic ("That's all folks!!"). Nice work.
I'm quite sure you mean "led" (the past tense of "lead"), not "lead" (the element represented by the initials Pb on the periodic table. At least... I think those are lead's initials. LOL).
On an entirely different note, your avatar is the best. Love it.
PEACE OUT.
BAB
Darko! Juniper here!
Okay, so, to start, I'm going to be mean (:P) and say that this is by far not one of your best poems.
To be honest, I think a lot of these words could be cut, such as:
But, even still, the repetition in the two middle lines is bothersome.
Moreover! I think that the main problem with this poem is that you are pushing the rhyme too, too hard, and you're not giving us much else. You're dwelling on one spot too long, adding something that's not-so-important just to achieve rhyme, and it's ruining your poem, dear.
It's hard to suggest a remedy for this, but to start, I think you should try to have ideas that you want to convey, and fit those into rhyming lines without the usage of deadwood, dear.
Hope that helped some? Good luck writing.
June
Hey darko.
I haven't seen you around the site much lately. Anyway, on to the review.
This was quite a good poem. Although I feel that it's a little too vague. Like I wouldn't know that you meant a train by all these descriptions unless the title said so. Make the train appear more in the poem, I suppose. You don't have to mention it but perhaps you can use some metaphors and decriptions that depict a train. Like destinations, stations, tracks... Stuff like that. Anyway, as I said, a good poem but it can be improved into a better one.
Good luck. Keep Writing.
--Knightly