Lousy crook or a nun?
For me it's almost the same.
Holy Bible or a gun?
Another wicked game.
Tired of living shame,
tired of malicious rove,
taking guilt and others blame,
sick of false, lusty love.
Only blood fills their heart,
shit's so high and gods do die;
the world's taken by new art-
spending life as a lie.
---so, heart can be filled with bravery or sth like that. Don't mention that "mistake"
---this is NOT done, but I reached a dead end and I need some help, suggestions and lots of advices. Thanks in advance.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well hey there, Darko! You haven't been around for a while (what's that about??)
. Anyway, June here to [s]shred[/s] review your poem. =P
The second stanza just wasn't my favorite.
On a side note, please remember to rate your work; this requires a PG-13 rating for swearing
I have to say, I honestly like your opening stanza. I'm not really one for structured rhyme because it's so restrictive, but here you have a catchy rhythm and perfect rhyme, dear. Nice opening. :p
However, as the second stanza goes, I start to feel like you were restricted. The lines rhyme, yes, but they don't match. It's like a bunch of good, cool stuff you can elaborate on all restricted into this tight space--
and it needs freedom! I think the main thing that bothers me about it is the rhyme. The "--ame" rhyme has been spent in the first stanza, dear, and I think carrying it over hear is pressing it a bit too hard.
Now! As we come to your final stanza, things (structure wise) get a little prettier. You've done a nice job with it, creating a really careless tone at the end-- however!
I think that you can elaborate on the poem as a whole. I think we need more-- it's very distanced as it stands, and we can't understand your angst.
It does make sense, but! I think you should offer us something more so that we can side with you. I don't mean preach to us to leave religion and take life as a game, but I mean, show us something in your words; fill this out, dear. I know you can.
Nice work though.
Keep it up,
June
Hey Darko! Nice to have you around again, floating the poetry forums
Kat's here for a review -- as requested!
Let's get on to it!
Stanza by stanza
Hum, interesting beginning. I think I've never read anything like this before. Point for originality and awakening my curiosity.
This stanza, other than interesting, is still a bit vague. Example, how is a crook the same as nun? How are they the same at your point of view? Why? get my point?
Woah! Now the Bible is a game. Comparing the bible to a gun... truly not something that common. But why are they a game? Wicked, I get it, now a game, I'm not sure.
The message here could be clearer.
The rhyming made it fun to read. In this first stanza, the poem sounds like it will be a fun thing to read, with a curious point of view. Good job
Isn't there a word missing, on the first line? Tired of living in shame,
On the third line, others should be other's. You mean the other's blame, right? The s as a possessive thingy.
This stanza is far more satisfying. it has more meaning, and is good
Ok... so drastic change of theme. Is this rated PG-13? If not it should because of the shit.
Now, first line. Who is they? You mention they, but who are they? They just appeared out of a purple mist in to the poem (purple, because purple is cool ).
I do not remotely understand the second line. I have no idea what it might mean. Did you meant: shit's so high and God's to die; ? it still doesn't make sense to me.
the second line should be like: The world's taken by a new art.
Spending doesn't sound like the right verb. Try to re-word it.
It's not finished? I think I liked it, but I didn't understood much
*Kat*
Questions? Feel free to PM me and stop by my WRFF thread again!
---Oh, good and bad are not equal. If they were they would both be called "good" or both "evil". I meant to say that evil aren't just evil. Even crooks have friends, maybe they are honest, maybe they steal just to survive.
---Holy Bible. Thanks.
---Life is a game, all right.
---Rhyme is okay, no mistakes.
---It really doesn't makes sense. Changes awaiting. It's like a "work title", stands just to fill the neccesary space.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Um OK, well first of all are you trying to get the point across that good and evil are both equal?
Anyway, first of all when you said Holy Bible, Bible should have been capitalized.
Second, I don't get what you mean by, it's another wicked game. Are you saying that life is a game?
Third you have a little rhyme thing going on in the second thing. So I don't think that sick of false, lusty love fits here. It is a good though, but maybe if it was worded differently.
Fourth and final, the second sline of the last stanza makes no sense. I don't know it may just be me.
Anyway that was just a review since you didn't have any. Let me know if you change it, I realy do like it.
Keep Writing
-Flower-