Published February 4, 2008
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140,296 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
erm
very American
not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing
some grammar mistakes
but
storyline seems OK
carry on writing!
Hi,
I don't know what to say about this story. It scared me is one thing that I can say. I think it is the scariest story i have ever read on YWS. Why did you make ti so dark? Why did she kill the cat, just because she felt sorry for herself. I really liked this at the beginning though. The whole teacher/student thing! Also, why was there just one chapter on them cutting themselves, like other people said it was totally unexpected!
i know it sucks getting bad reviews, i'm sorry, please fix it up a bit though.
holly*
Hey!
I was a little disappointed in this chapter.
You didn't introduce the cutting in a very good way, actual you didn't introduce it at all.
It was un-called for. I'd like to know what proved the girls to cut in the first place??
Also in the first chapter you gave us no notice that the girls were even like this. You should go back and clear it up a bit, or take this a but it in a later chapter. I think its a good "twist" but not this soon.
Kelsi =)
Hi,
When I first started reading your story, I loved it! I love whole teacher, student thing. I live for books like that.
It started to scare me a bit though, when they started cutting themselves. I didn't really understand why either. I know people do cut themselves for no reason, but could you just state that so I know that they do, or if they have a reason.
Remember to run though your spell check, I saw a few mistakes there. Also, get someone to proof read for you. If you want I can. Just PM me.
One more thing, why did she just kill her cat, it was a bit startling.
I just read the third part. This was a bit better then the rest. I liked it better then the second chapter. There was more about the student/teacher relationship, YAY!
I think you should concentrate on writing more about that, instead of her cutting herself.
-lg*
"OK, one-two-three." Alana [s]said[/s] counted down, and in unison [s]her[/s] she and Courtney winced once their knives swiped their skin. Courtney sighed and picked up her blood rag. <this sentence is unnecessary
'-' is not a substitute for a comma.
I'm not going to edit the rest because most of the mistakes that can be found are simple grammatical errors that could easily be fixed with a proofread by you or by one of your friends, a teacher, a parent...anyone. Proofreading is very important. If the piece doesn't have a decent amount of time spent on it, then why should the reviewer pay any of their time in reviewing it?
Other than that, there really isn't anything here. I don't see a point to this? It's just telling about teenage self destructive behavior....with possibly a hint of a backstory but not enough to make a point. I mean, do you see a point when you read this? If yes, then you need to bring the point out more because the reader is completely missing it.
I'd suggest scrapping this and starting over with something not involving 90% teenage angst self destructive behavior and add in a story and a theme.
Good luck.