Published October 24, 2006
I'm your friend,
I've known that for a while,
every time you tell me that .
all i can do is smile.
But the want to be something more,
burns inside of me.
whenever i'm around you,
I forget to breathe.
No matter how i do it,
no matter what i try,
I'm always lost within you,
stuck inside those eyes.
*chorus*
where are you?
you've gone too far away.
Where are you?
why can't you just stay?
why are you lost,
when i'm in front of you?
so now i ask,
where are you?
*end chorus*
I want to be around,
with you all the time.
I want to hold you close,
let you know that you're mine.
But you don't know that,
and i can never tell.
But that doesn't change the fact,
you make my heart swell.
You are my life,
something to live and breathe.
But i don't want to hurt you,
I don't want you to leave.
*chorus*
I want to be with you,
but life isn't fair.
You don't know what i feel,
But i don't know if you care...
*chorus*
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
This is pretty good. I echo the words of the people on suggestions for you.
One more bone: "Where are You" is already the name of another song. (It's a good song too, but... *gets out of her own little world*)
Keep workin' on it. Im sure she's going to love it
--Quippie
I'd say the best suggestion is to sit down with a guitar and/or piano and try to work this out. As they've already said above me, I think that some wordings are bad, so try to reword those.
If you aren't musically inclined (which I assume you are) then I'd say try to write it as a poem with structure. That's the main thing this song lacks is structure. You need a syllable pattern in order to really pull this off. Some verses (IE: Second Stanza) don't really flow and have that set syllable pattern. Try to be more consistent with that.
I think you've got the great start of yet another cliche love song - and by that, I don't mean anything against you. The love aspect is what you're after, so you're doing a great job so far. I'm looking forward to seeing you post a revised version soon.
Hey darchoco, I liked your chorus the part about being stuck in his eyes do you mean like being pulled towards him? anyways the rest was pretty good. Your friend is pretty lucky to recieve this : )
.
Thanks. THis was a rough rough draft, and i want it perfect. I want to give it to someone
In addition to what Pandora said, the chorus wasn't that great.
The first part is really cliche, and in the rhythm of the second part seems a bit off. If you really do want it to be perfect, I suggest rewriting the chorus.
A couple small things:
"I want to be around with you all the time" doesn't really make sense. You could change it to something like "I want to be with you all the time."
I think if you changed "but" to "and" the effect would be better.
Try playing around with this. It needs some work, but it's a really good start.
darchoco,
I somewhat like this. It's kinda shaky though.
You say, "You are my life,
something to live and breathe.
But i don't want to hurt you,
I don't want you to leave. "
Life is something to live and breath? I understand life is to live, but life is to breath? And how would them leaving hurt them? Wouldn't it hurt you?
Keep up the excellent work!
Pandora