z

Young Writers Society



Simple Snow Day

by dapper


Simple Snow Day

Silence. That’s what I heard when I woke up. Utter silence. I glanced at the clock again. 8:00 am. Something was up. I leapt out of bed, and opened my door silently. I ran to the window. Then a smile spread across my face when I uttered the words. Snow day. I knew I didn’t have much time. I threw on some clothes, and turned on the faucet. I brushed my teeth quicker than usual. I washed my face and put hair up in a ponytail. I knew my mom would wake up soon, so I had to hurry.

My hands trembled as I dialed the number. As he picked up I almost fell. “Ben,” I said. “Is your school out today?”

“Yeah. Why?” My whole body was shaking.

“Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to come to my house today.”

My heart had felt like it had skipped a beat.

“Sure,”

“Ok. See you soon.” After that my heart melted. I realized that every one was still asleep but they wouldn’t be for long. I threw on my snow stuff, left a note in the kitchen for mom, and waited outside for Ben.

“Let’s take a walk,” I couldn’t believe my lips. We hadn’t talked to each other before without the exact same tension as we had that day. He inquired about the little things, like my favorite ice cream flavor, my favorite color, and what things I was interested in. I couldn’t take my eyes off his, until when we rounded the corner and spotted something moving. He saw where my eyes were wandering and yelled duck. So I did. Holden and Jay had planned a sneak attack, and were going pound us into the ground with snowballs. Quickly, we gathered some ammo and started to fight too.

By the time we made a truce they were soaking wet, while we were completely dry. Then, we went to my house for hot chocolate. My mom was up by then. She wasn’t mad though, and she gladly made us hot chocolate. Holden and Jay had things that they needed to do so they said good-bye to us and left.

After we finished our hot chocolate, we decided to continue our walk. I started asking him questions that time. Once we got the end of my street we stopped walking. We start gazing out onto the open rode.

“Um?” still gazing at the rode.

“Yes?” I reply.

“Do you believe in miracles?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of miracles do you believe in?”

“Well, I believe in really sick becoming healthy again, miracles that happen when there is a rainbow, and love at first sight.”

“Do you believe that you meeting me was a miracle?” He was looking right at with his beautiful, at that point glazed looking eyes. He was leaning closer to me. I knew what he wanted me to say. I knew what I wanted to say.

I Leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Yes.”

There we were with our lips barely touching but at that point it felt like more than enough. When we finally finished, we walked back silently, holding hands. We both then held something between us that felt unbreakable, but also entirely delicate.


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Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:50 pm
mhmmcolleenx0 wrote a review...



Alright,

Then a smile spread across my face when I uttered the words. Snow day.

Change it too A smile spread across my face when I uttered the words, "Snow day."


“Sure,”

Change it to "Sure." With a period because it is one sentence.

Overall,

I was kind of confused on the girls relationship with Ben. Why doesn't he go to her school? How did they meet? Why? I didn't understand why she was so happy to see him if they were already friends.
You need to elaborate on that.

Don't rush.

It's a good concept you just need to elaborate on the characters. You wrote in first person so we can get in the main characters head right?




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 11:33 am
deleted2 wrote a review...



Hey there,

here's your review:

I leapt out of bed, and opened my door silently. Not to fond of the word "silently" in this sentence. Especially since you use the word "Silence" in this paragraph already.

I ran to the window. Then a smile spread across my face when I uttered the words. Snow day. I knew I didn’t have much time. I threw on some clothes, and turned on the faucet. I brushed my teeth quicker than usual. I washed my face and put hair up in a ponytail. I knew my mom would wake up soon, so I had to hurry. Maybe elaborate slightly on this; it feels a tad bit rushed.

My heart had felt like it had skipped a beat. Take out the first "had".

I couldn’t take my eyes off his, until when we rounded the corner and spotted something moving. Rephrase this sentence, it's seems a bit unlogical ^.^

He saw where my eyes were wandering and yelled duck. Why not have him actually say "Duck!" ? My first thought was : what does the animal have to do with this? So by actually having him *say* it you may clear that up.

By the time we made a truce they were soaking wet, while we were completely dry. Then, we went to my house for hot chocolate. My mom was up by then. She wasn’t mad though, and she gladly made us hot chocolate. Holden and Jay had things that they needed to do so they said good-bye to us and left.
Again, elaborate. It's a good paragraph, but seems rushed. Show us all of this, don't just tell us.

We start gazing out onto the open rode. [s]rode[/s] road.

“Um?” still gazing at the rode. [s]rode[/s] road.

Rode = past tense of "ride"

Cute story, dear ^_^ I enjoyed reading that. Just make sure you don't rush through paragraphs.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 2:55 am
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



okay so this story was short and sweet, and i did like the idea of it. It was very romantic and cute and just basically speaking, i liked it very much.

But i am here to make a critique so i shall.

dapper wrote:Simple Snow Day

Silence. That’s what I heard when I woke up. Utter silence. I glanced at the clock again. 8:00 am. Something was up. I leapt out of bed, and opened my door silently. I ran to the window. Then a smile spread across my face when I uttered the words. Snow day. I knew I didn’t have much time. I threw on some clothes, and turned on the faucet. I brushed my teeth quicker than usual. I washed my face and put hair up in a ponytail. I knew my mom would wake up soon, so I had to hurry.


okay so basically, this entire first paragraph was very 'this happened. this happened. this happened.' basically speaking it was very sharp and blunt. The first three sentences can be that way for affect, but the rest could be put together in a sense to make it more flowing like 'i glanced at the clock again which read 8:00am and i knew something had to have been up.' that way it flows. i suggest reading over your work outloud and see how it flows off the tongue. makes it more memorable that way and catches the readers interest.

what i did like was how you started it. Silence. very catchy but when you catch your readers attention you have to keep it. the first paragraph is terribly important.

dapper wrote:
“Ok. See you soon.” After that my heart melted. I realized that every one was still asleep but they wouldn’t be for long. I threw on my snow stuff, left a note in the kitchen for mom, and waited outside for Ben.

“Let’s take a walk,” I couldn’t believe my lips. We hadn’t talked to each other before without the exact same tension as we had that day.


you dont really specify that he came over and kinda rushed into taking a walk. although i understood that he had shown up, it would have been nice to read about him showing up, maybe a description of him. something on the lines of that.

dapper wrote:
By the time we made a truce they were soaking wet, while we were completely dry. Then, we went to my house for hot chocolate. My mom was up by then. She wasn’t mad though, and she gladly made us hot chocolate. Holden and Jay had things that they needed to do so they said good-bye to us and left.

After we finished our hot chocolate, we decided to continue our walk. I started asking him questions that time. Once we got the end of my street we stopped walking. We start gazing out onto the open rode.


This was also very piecey. didnt really flow well although it did get the point across. you could have gone more into the emotions, like how she was nervous, giddy, maybe embarrassed. even perspiring if case may be. you were very to the point, and it could have used some descriptive words and emotions to make it more interesting to the reader.

dapper wrote:“Um?” still gazing at the rode.

“Yes?” I reply.

“Do you believe in miracles?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of miracles do you believe in?”

“Well, I believe in really sick becoming healthy again, miracles that happen when there is a rainbow, and love at first sight.”



this was also very straight forward. you could have used some stumbling of voices, or blushing, maybe even staggered breaths. something that could make it more passionate and romantic. it was good, dont get me wrong, it just could have been more exciting to the reader if it wasnt so straightforward.
dapper wrote:There we were with our lips barely touching but at that point it felt like more than enough. When we finally finished, we walked back silently, holding hands. We both then held something between us that felt unbreakable, but also entirely delicate.


i think the kiss could have been, well more accelerating. i found it kind of bland and very empty in a sense. i felt the story was building up to that then it completely smashed it, so to speak. i like the idea of their lips barely touching but that was enough, and you could have done a lot of work with emotions in that area like 'There we were with our lips barely touching but at that point in time it felt like more then enough. I felt almost like i was walking on clouds, heart racing, blood pumping through my veins faster then i could possibly comprehend. i could feel a sheen of sweat on my forehead, my hands shaking and knees clacking together' or something on the lines of that.

of course, i must admit, the ending line made the story. it was sweet and cute and really gave us a good look on the relationship that had developed.


Other then that i truly did enjoy the idea of the story and you have a lot of potential as a writer. just hone your skills and practice practice practice. even study up on words you dont know, or use a thesaurous. it makes the story a ton of fun.

one word of advice though is to read your work out loud, see if it flows or not. that way you could spot the fluidity or not and sometimes it can be to 'this happened. this happened. this happened.' to excite the reader. Thats all!

if you want me to review anything else, i'd be more then willing to do so, just PM me!





That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee