Maybe its the fact that I care too much
Wonder what would happen if I just stopped and didnt give a fuck
Maybe they would like me more who knows
I could sneak into a few more games of Super Smash Bros
If I had an iPhone I might be in a group message
Pocket constantly buzzing with a super long sentence
Of a funny story or an inside joke we're all in on
Or maybe it's my wardrobe I just need some new clothes to don
Look super fly and get so many girls I'm basically a John
Maybe if i didn't stutter when I speak
This future of mine may not seem so very bleek
Think I finally figured it out, but it's a doozy
I watch to HBO and a lot of Wes Anderson movies
I listen to indie rock, and I enjoy it too much
My library needs more Big Sean, Kendrick, and such
No, no, no that's not it, it's my weight
Little less large and theyd be callin' me mate
Yep thats it folks and all of the above
Do all that and these boys'll be showin me love
Be the tightest group of guys this school's ever seen
A bunch of chill dudes and we all
smoke green
And pound brews together
With our ladies Katie, Jackie, Liz, and Heather
Thats the dream that I really want and crave
But its stuck in the back of my mind chained down like a slave
It cannot break out and become attained
I just hope I make it out of this year only slightly maimed
Cause I dont have that many people I can to talk
Take out my family and yeah its just basically you
Its killing me inside that I dont know whats next
Is this just a phase and itll all get fixed
Or am I stuck here with no one to call bro
Whos gonna be my roommate next year and live in my home
Am I gonna figure that our or be all alone
Like a dog searching for a bone that has yet to be thrown
Am I even in the right school, city, or state
Asking myself this shit man it doesnt feel great
And I accidently fucked up the other night kinda hard
Might've blown my last chance like goin all in with one card
Are they talkin bout me right now when I'm not there
The real question though is why should I care
Yeah I may not be that tight with my floor
But anytime I want I can walk through Jimmy's back door
See my boy Phil just chillin with a beer and a bowl
Pack another one man and then lets roll
Out to grab some food and probably smoke some more
Now were sufficiently torched and our throats are sore
Walk back to my room and call up Danielle
She's like "Carol might be sleeping so please dont yell
But you can come up to my birdhouse and sleep over"
I climb up to her bed feelin lucky like a clover
Pass out til morning and make my way down one floor
Smilin the whole time cause I almost couldnt ask for more
Now I wrote this here not looking or sympathy or pity
Im just trying to get down a little deeper into me
And maybe pull out a silver lining for this rain cloud
And realize these invisible tears Im shedding arent that loud.
Hello, I'm Kyla and I'm here to review you!
I had some trouble at first reading it due to grammar. I think that this needs some corrections with grammar, but I think it is still really good and your getting to the point. I love how you really get into detail and explain everything. Even though I had to go through it over a few times, I still think that you did a great job! I kinda see a sarcastic tone to it, and I think it makes it much better!
I love how you don't hold back, your saying what you want to say. I can't say that I feel the same emotion as your piece is expressing, but I still think that you held it out very well and it had very good emotion to it
Hey
i think that was great , i mean they dont make much of meaningful songs anymore , but if this was to become a song.. it has a meaning and feelings in it that people would love .
I liked this poem , it was straight forward and you really get the feeling you probably had writing this poem. I dont even know why, but when i read it , it my mind it sounded like a rap song
But anyways , getting to the point .
The poem im general was good and emotional , but it might be better or easier to read if you seperated it out into stanzas but of course people have differen styles and the way they desing and present their poem is different.
Also if the rhyme would be more irregular it would add a funky taste to the poem and make it more interesting
All together it was a really good piece of poetry though
Hello Danny,
I am here to review you
I think the poem is great:) and even though I can't relate to it at all, it still is very interesting. All of it kept me interested throughout the whole poem and I think that you have the potential to be a professional poet (if you wanted). I definitely would like to see more of your poems.
-brittany-
Hi Danny.
Keep writing! I really look forward to read more of your works.
I'm going to review for you too! xD
Being serious and honest, I love this ~ You have the talent and the potential of a poet. I love that you took a common situation, and made it something new and interesting by showing us how is your world and how you see it. The flow of the poem is good, and even though I can't relate to it 100%, I like it ~ And that's because you've done a fantastic job.
However, I have some suggestions. They can sound quite silly, but they can make big improvements.
- Proper grammar
I noticed there are many forgotten apostrophes and some misspelled words. When you write, it is essential that you do the best you can. Why? Because the more professional you sound, the more seriously they will take you. You want to be heard! And I want people to listen to you too. If you use proper grammar, they will stop focusing on silly things, and will focus more on the content and the message you're bringing.
- Stanzas
We need spaces to breathe. Dividing your lines into more little blocks would make the reader less lazy and it would encourage them more to read it. Personally, when I see I giant block like this, I feel like not reading it, because it's like a skyscraper with no windows (with no light, and no air to breathe). And it would be a shame if someone would just pass by and didn't read your poem because of that, because I truly believe you are a great poet. However, it's a good thing that can be solved!! You just have to click the "enter" key a couple of times ~ but make sure you don't break a sentence in the middle because that can be confusing! =D
And that's pretty much all I've got to say. I hope I expressed myself correctly, but if you have any questions, feel free to let me know.
Thank you