Published February 23, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
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It shouldn’t be a surprise that its cold today, I mean it basically has been for the past three months if I’m trying to be metaphorical and deep and all that other shit Oprah wants us to feel. I don’t even know half of the people walking around my house right now but for some reason they’re here and trying to give me hugs while holding small plates filled with the cheese and meat platter, I gotta admit those things are awesome, even here. These randos moping around acting like they care more than I do hoping to get some sympathy back for the copious amounts they’re giving out. God damn it’s a million degrees in this house, I gotta step outside. I grab my coat and Lucy follows me to the back door, that damn dog would follow me off a cliff and I love her for it. Only thing that’s really making me smile today. I dip behind the garage and pull out one of the J’s Ricky rolled me before I had to come back home for this, this week of shit. Open the back fence and Lucy bursts into the field acting like it’s a normal day here, I can only laugh at that. I find an old tennis ball with only a slight amount of permafrost on it and give it a heave, she’s off. Walking up the hill, I sit on the bench and look out over this little suburb while Lucy is already at the base of the hill knowing round 2 is coming up. She drops the ball at my feet and looks up at me with that stupid smile on her face. Come here girl, come here. She’s back down the hill after I give that ball a toss towards the pitcher’s mound, and my eyes make their way back to the my hands that are starting to shake at this point, I don’t know if its from the cold or the fact that I haven’t been able to properly digest a full meal in 6 days. Looking back towards to the house I see someone coming my way. Shit its my dad, wait no its just Pat, hell take a hit or two. “How is it in there big bro,”
“Why do you think I’m out here?”
“Who are all those people anyway?”
“I don’t know, mom’s book club, dad’s work buddies, all those second, third, fourth cousins were just meeting today.”
“Well tell me em to get the hell outta here.”
“You and me both kid, you and me both.”
Lucy walked up to Pat as he was taking a drag and stuck her nose in his chest then laid down at our feet.
“How’s school going so far for ya?”
“I don’t know Pat, its not what was I expecting.”
“How so?”
“I thought it’d be more fun, bigger parties, less drama and high school like shit.”
“How are your buddies?”
“I mean, the sailing guys are cool and all and I can go over there but, like my floor mates… there’s some, tension so to say.”
“Hey man, it’ll all work out. I went through the same shit just keep your head up. What about the girls, ya got one?”
“I mean were like hookin’ up and stuff, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…that’s the best situation right there.”
“I guess so.”
“Classes going well?”
“Shit who are you Dad with all these damn questions?”
“I’m just talkin’ to you, it’s been a while.”
“Sorry, I’ve just been on edge with…ya know all of this.”
“That’s why ya got this guy right here,” Pat said as he glanced down and took another hit of it.
“But yeah, classes are boring as hell. I thought I’d be inspired to do stuff and learn about the world and all that crap they tell you in the brochures and online. I just have no motivation to work, even before it happened. Maybe college isn’t my thing? I don’t know?”
“I’m not here to tell you what to do so I wont, do what you want and if youre doing something that doesn’t make you happy don’t do it. Have you thought about writing anymore like you used to in high school?”
“Yeah, I started up again as soon as mom went back in. Its helped me, I’m not gonna lie.”
“What about an English major?”
“Ha, yeah and waste $140,000 more just to have the same amount of knowledge I do now. I might as well just stay here and write.”
“Then do it.”
“No, what, I can’t, that’s crazy.”
“No its not. What you read at church today was more than just what any son could throw down on a piece of paper, that was good. Now I’m freezing my ass off so I’m going inside, you should too soon, alright.”
“Alright…hey Pat. I love you.”
“Love you too, big man.”
No, no I cant just drop out of school and become a writer, writers don’t make money. Especially 19 year old kids who haven’t had a full year of college yet. Pat does have a point, I’m not half bad. What do you think Lucy? Huh? Yeah I thought so, nothing. What are they gonna think about me when I get back to school? Will they care and show me pity or will it be just like it is now, awkward and silent. Alright that’s it, I’m going back in, c’mon girl. Lucy and I strolled back into the house, most of the strangers were gone and at this point and it was just a couple family friends and close kin left. I spent a while mingling saying all my thank you’s to everyone who took their time to come out and support my family in this time. At this point I sounded like a tape recorder cause of the amount of times I’ve said those words. A glass of water and half an apple later I was full and decided to lie down in my bed and write. Why not? It couldn’t hurt at this point.
What’s the difference between life and death?
Just because a woman has taken her last breath,
Means she can longer be a mother and wife,
And leave her loving family with years of toil and strife.
If you say that’s the truth then son you are wrong,
Just because my mother is dead does not mean she is gone.
I’ll see her everyday in mind and those old pictures,
Every single photo is now a fixture
I will live with forever until my last day,
Mom, I love you and no, you haven’t gone away.
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139,689 Literary Works • 672,650 Reviews
Hello!
Here's the review.
Let's start with your main character. He's got a characteristic voice, which is good, it hooks readers. He's not a party person, I'm not either so I like that, I can relate. And he's a teenager, nineteen years old. Your description of him was lacking, with the appearance and such. I want to know more about him.
Your other characters. You should mention them with much more description because right now I'm getting nothing from this, at all. I just know there are a lot of people, his brother and his dog.
The story. Very great plot. I like your idea. I like your story. The thing is, that this is a common kind of story, many people write stuff like this. So change it up if you want it to be more unique. You moved very quickly in the story. I couldn't really hang on to anything even for just for a moment. You just moved on. The pace needs to be slowed down.
I like this, a lot. Don't get me wrong. I just lost interest mid reading because of the pace and the lack of description. I like the plot idea, I just need you to broaden it. Make it a better piece of writing then it is now.
You could do a lot with this. It's a start. If you start to edit. Re-read. Edit. You'll notice that it needs more of this, less of that and that will make this story great.
Keep Writing!
Nike
Hey Danny!
I liked this, your character has a pretty distinct voice. You've laid a lot out for us already, that he's 19, that he hates parties and company (or maybe just his family and their friends), that he likes to write and goes to college but is already disappointed it in.
One thing that I think will really clear up your narrative would be to add in a wider vocabulary. You use a lot of swearing, and although it doesn't bother me, it does seem very limiting. Take this part for instance:
"God damn it’s a million degrees in this house, I gotta step outside. I grab my coat and Lucy follows me to the back door, that damn dog would follow me off a cliff and I love her for it. Only thing that’s really making me smile today. I dip behind the garage and pull out one of the J’s Ricky rolled me before I had to come back home for this, this week of shit. "
To me, it just sounded like Goddamn it's hot out here... damn dog... week of shit... yadayada. First off, I had thought this was the angry ramblings of like a 15 year old, come to find out this man is 19. I know that when people are really ticked off they can string out swear after swear in their dialogue, but this is just a normal family gathering of sorts. And though your character is really irritated by these kinds of things, I can't imagine a mature 19 year old acting this way x)
here's another spot that felt odd:
“Then do it.”
“No, what, I can’t, that’s crazy.”
“No its not. What you read at church today was more than just what any son could throw down on a piece of paper, that was good. Now I’m freezing my ass off so I’m going inside, you should too soon, alright.”
“Alright…hey Pat. I love you.”
“Love you too, big man.”
It was just the last bit, the "Hey Pat, I love you" that felt off. It just didn't fit the rest of the conversation. And Pat calling his 19-year-old nephew "big man" is a little weird too. I mean, "big man" seems like a compliment you would give to a middle school boy or something, I'm not totally sure. But maybe I'm just picking it apart too much!
All in all, this was a really good job! I would recommend adding in some more description and detailed words to make this sound more like the voice of a 19 year old and not a 15 year old. Other than that, I don't have any other complaints ^_^
Hope this was helpful!!
Hello Fellow Dragon,
So this is my first review for Review Day, and not only that, my first ever review day!
I began your story and it at first started out simply, and it connects to probably what everyone feels at some point: small talk along with sympathetic relatives. I wasn't at first sure why these people were in the narrators house and was wondering what had gone wrong, which is very good because it interests the reader.
There are some edits I found for the first paragraph:
Be careful of too many commas! This occurred throughout your work, and lead to a couple of run-on sentences. This is luckily an easy edit.
The first sentence should go more like: "It shouldn't be a surprise that it's cold today."
End it there so it isn't a run-on. Also be sure to add the apostrophe for the contraction of "it is" so it isn't the possessive form of "its."
Then because of that last edit just do this: "I mean, it basically..." (Add that comma)
Add another comma and a period here: "...walking around my house right now, but for some reason they're here and trying to give me hugs while holding small plates filled with the cheese and meat platter."
The next part parentheses: "(I gotta admit those things are awesome, even here.)"
This first paragraph is a little to large, to make it easier to read you could split it in half. A good point would be here: "I grab my coat and..."
Or/and here:"Walking up the hill..."
Just a suggestion to make it easier to read, but otherwise the first paragraph is very descriptive of the character's emotions. There's a few more edits to revise and make your point more clear to the readers.
There's one question I have about the first paragraph and it occurs a little throughout. When the narrator is calling or speaking to Lucy is there a specific reason that dialog isn't in quotations? If it's a stylistic choice or if it's a thought then ignore this comment because I understand.
When Pat begins to speak, that should be apart from the paragraph.
Consider formating the following lines like so:
“Shit, who are you with all these damn questions? Dad?”
“I’m just talkin’ to you. It’s been awhile.”
“No, what? I can’t. That’s crazy.”
I believe here you mean this, "Means she can no longer be a mother and wife,"
instead of this: "Means she can longer be a mother and wife,"
Overall, this story connects to any writer's future. Anyone considering to be a full time writer or part time would enjoy reading this work. Also, I enjoyed the poem the narrator wrote at the end. It tied the story together and showed his love for both his mom and his love to write. Great job and keep writing! Go Dragons and don't forget to review!
-Jadefox