Published January 4, 2011
To swear to me a truth, yet
Revealed as a lie.
As is the snake so sinister, so
Greedy to let us die, so
Ever similar are you, 'til
Death reveals your vice.
I wonder if your heart,
As cold as winter's ice,
Fastens up its pace
As you tell your lies.
To think that I believed you,
Under all you've put me through,
Makes me want to kill, both you and then me too.
Hope you enjoyed?
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
I genuinely didn't notice this was an acrostic, my fault!
Hi everyone! Thanks for all the responses.
So I can't really change those words either.
BenFranks, I put a full stop at the end, you're right.
I've capitalized every line because they all spell the poem title downwards
Hey there,
I must say that I liked this poem. There is a pretty good balance in terms of punctuation so there's no forced, choppy pace and nor is there a lacking of pace either and the fluency is pretty much spot on. Your word choice is fairly effective in terms of emotive and negative kinds of language which in turn craft a pretty good overall effect. One thing I would say is that it is perhaps a little depressing, there's no feeling of real hate here. It is as though the voice hates themselves as much as the person it is despising and I feel that if you gave the voice some strength and character, the effect of detesting the other would be much greater.
Oh, and here's some nitpicks:
This sounds more fluent and less broken.
Under? I think you mean After?
I'd also end the poem with a full-stop to make the suicide seem definitive and therefore carry more impact, because without punctuation it feels too much as though it's drifting off and losing its effect.
Another thing I'd mention is that you shouldn't capitalise every line. The lines are too short and its drawing away attention. I can't see any purpose as to why they are capitalised so I think you should follow mainly prose-type rules for capitalisation and only use capitals if the line mothering above it ends in a full stop.
I hope this helps.
Keep writing,
Ben
A good piece of work... Short and precise...
This thing has a great title... After reading the title the reader would want to see the content...
Good work with the punctuations...
Keep up the good work...
This is quite good. I really loved the emotions you dug up, especially one of the most powerfull of them all. [ hate ]
The refference to the Primordial Sin is really well put there, not too obviously. At least, I guess you wanted that comparison.
The ending really surprised me. Wasn't expecting a suicide thrown in there. Very interesting.
Overall a good poem.
*bows*