People I hate.

by danipower0204
  • March 28, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

I cannot tell you what it is,
But inside me there whirls this storm,
Which I cannot control as it
Propels my thoughts away from norm.

This thing, it fires up in flames,
It scalds my heart’s desires cold,
It lifts my stomach up in rage,
Then makes my very skin unfold.

It hits my head with baseball strength,
Then cuts me into snowflake shreds,
Then wakes me to the spiky fence
Wherein the people I hate bed.

Those people I would like to punch,
See them crunch and munch on rotten lunch,
See them once, oh only once,
Say they’re wrong without grievance.

I would like to see them roast,
Like a Sunday's barbecue,
See them jump like blackened toast
And hop around like rabbits do.

Right then would I say, “Go, be free!
“Run along like little ants,
“You have paid your dues to me,
“And don’t forget to change your pants.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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Confictura
Review
Confictura wrote a review · Mon Mar 28, 2011 5:55 pm

Hello, danipower.
I'm Confictura and overall I like your poem here, My main concern is a mix of signals, but we'll get to that later.

danipower0204 wrote:I cannot tell you what it is,
But inside me there whirls this storm,
Which I cannot control as it
Propels my thoughts away from norm.
Good, good. Let the hate flow through you!
This thing, it fires up in flames,
It scalds my heart’s desires cold,
It lifts my stomach up in rage,
Then makes my very skin unfold.
I'm liking the descriptive terms so far.
It hits my head with baseball strength,
Then cuts me into snowflake shreds,
Then wakes me to the spiky fence
Wherein the people I hate bed.
And then you show Hatred's negative side, which is excellant. Not all flowers and rainbows.
Those people I would like to punch,
See them crunch and munch on rotten lunch,
See them once, oh only once,
Say they’re wrong without grievance.
Giving your hatred a focus, I can really feel the raw emotion here, which is good.
I would like to see them roast,
Like a Sunday's barbecue,
See them jump like blackened toast
And hop around like rabbits do.
Jump like blackened toast? What?
Right then would I say, “Go, be free!
“Run along like little ants,
“You have paid your dues to me,
“And don’t forget to change your pants.”


Now, the reason I get mixed signals is because of your last line. "And don't forget to change your pants"
This may be a forced rhyme, but it looks like an attempt at humor, which doesn't at all fit with the rest of the poem.

Another forced rhyme is the "jump like blackened toast"
I don't know what kind of toast you're burning, but Toast around here in oregon is pretty docile, and doesn't actually move at all. Maybe I'm missing something.

Overall, It's a good poem with excellant descriptive terms and the feeling of emotion, but I'm still left confused as to what your mood was when you wrote this. Maybe you were really angry when you started out, then saw a funny picture or something and became lighthearted...

User avatar
Saman Comment
Saman commented · Mon Mar 28, 2011 4:43 pm

Whoaa!!! That's got a hell of a strong emotion. Its great that you wrote down that hatred burning inside you.



The shame of being a man - is there any better reason to write?
— Gilles Deleuze