Kayla--Love

Welcome to YWS, first of all. Secondly, like OverEasy said, please do two reviews for each piece of your own you post.
Now to your poem.

Like Yatta said, it doesn't really have any form. Freestyle works to a certain extent, but I think you took it too far. You have to have some kind of rhythm and form. Your 6'th line is ridiculously loooonnnggggg. Even if you had some kind of rhythm in the rest of the poem, that line would completely destroy it.

I think underlining those lines was unnecessary. If you have to set those lines off, though, I'd use italics instead. But even that I would strongly discourage you from doing. I think you need to be able to let the words stand on their own. If you can't, it's a sign of some kind of problem.

As to the content, it was extremely sentimental, which can work if you know how to pull it off, but this could as easily be prose as poetry. You need to have some imagery. That's one of the essential, inevitable foundations of poetry.

Unless you have that,
you might as well just arrange
a bunch of words on different lines to
make it look like poetry.

See what I mean? You need imagery, or analogies and metaphors, something besides just all plain speech.


Now I'm going to do a line-by-line:

"It’s the emotion you feel towards another person." This is just a bare definition, and an inaccurate one at that. Would you really call it just an emotion? You need stronger words, you need to explain, not just tell, what it is. "Show don't tell."

"In your eyes she is perfect; nothing she does can change how you feel about her" Cliché. Pure, simple, gag-me, cliché. Not to be harsh or anything, but when you're operating with an overused topic, you have to be extremely careful. When you have a unique topic, a cliché, if it's at least a good one, you can sometimes get away with. But not on this subject.

"No one and nothing; Absolute Perfection" Same comment as above. Plus, this line isn't really necessary. It's just repeating what you said above.

"Before you met her you thought that love was impossible to find." Show don't tell. You're just telling us that this was what the person thought. You need to describe how they felt.

"Impossible, not real; love, it doesn’t exist." Again, you're just repeating what you said above, which you do not need to do. And since this is the 'you' talking, or the 'you's emotions, it would be better with quotation marks. Either that or changing it to "love, it didn't exist." But I'd do away with the line completely.

"When the both of you met you became inseparable, endless conversations that went on about nothing, argued over who had to say goodbye last, but never hesitated to say hello. Living in what seemed to be a beautiful dream." This should be about 5 lines, at least!
"When both of you met" That sounds awkward. Something more like "when the two of you met"
And again, you're telling us, you're not showing us. You need to at least describe how they felt. This line just sounds like a bunch of prose, prosaic commentary. The last 'sentence' is a fragment.

"You became one person; sharing one heart, the same feeling" Cliché. Be honest, how many times have you heard that expression before? Even if it's exactly how they were supposed to feel, it's not going to make a reader any more interested in something they've read 100 times before, possibly in better pieces.

"You see in her what others can’t. The pain behind the scars, the fake smiles around others, the real her, exposed; dug deep enough and discovered" The second sentence doesn't really make sense, they you placed your punctuation. You start with say that you see things others don't, and then you talk about her being exposed. I don't think you meant to do that, it's just where you put your commas. Try it like this "You see in her what others can't: the pain behind the scars, the fake smiles around others, the real her exposed. You dug deep enough and discovered."

"A gorgeous soul held behind gorgeous eyes" Telling, not showing. How is she gorgeous? We might take your word for it, we might not.

"If you find her don’t let her go; don’t end it. What you have is beautiful. She is:" There's no imagery in this, no description. There isn't even a whole lot of emotion, because the words your using are flat from being used so often.

"Your missing piece, your happy ending, your only paradise in this world, Your one true love" Those last four words should not be italicized. 'Your missing piece'? 'Your happy ending'? It's hard to write a poem on this subject, because it's such a common topic. If you want your readers to give your work a second glance, if you want them to remember it, then you have to be original. Anybody could take all the clichés and mesh them together into some semblance of a poem. --I'm not saying that's precisely what you did here, but-- But unless you're writing purely for yourself, you Have to stand out!


So, the biggest issues you need to take care of:
Mercilessly root out every single cliché. They're doing you NO favors.
Add descriptions, add imagery. If you see a spot where you're only telling us something, just saying that it's so, add a description. Give us a picture to look at. Poems are word pictures.

If I sound harsh at all, please understand I had no intention of being. I wish you all the best.


*adna*

Yeah...well..that's lovely. I got the message across and carried out the purpose. It really didn't have a form or anything, so I guess I can't really critique it. It seemed really pretty and sentimental and that's what you wanted so.....glad you found someone you love?

Hi there!

I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I think that before posting anything else you should look at the rules and guidelines, they will help.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

OverEasy