Published February 23, 2010
Well hi, I'm new here but I want to learn so go ahead and say everythig you want (really it helps) this is my first novel, so please check it out 
Ok well I corrected some of the things you've said, although some were impossible to correct because its part of the story (and about the baby ang crying and bla bla, its part of the whole story.
But thankyou a lot
And please continue reading and posting youre comments (:
`-PROLOGUE-
Time doesn’t exist; it is nothing more than an illusion.
CHAPTER 1
-WHAT ENDS WELL DOESN’T START WELL-
I close my eyes and pretend that I’m not here, but it doesn’t work. I whisper to the wind that everything was ok, to learn to let go. My hands are cold but the answers just don’t come. Dreaming of her, that my mother was here to rest my head on her chest while she responded to my prayer. And yet, nothing.
JUNE 21, 1959
Rebecca was her name, and you know that she was the one meant for him, looking for love is one of the thinks we search every day of our life, and love, is the most turning point in you’re it. Making you look down no more, but beside, it is when you don’t see yourself in the mirror anymore because you know everything is not so bad, and everything is worth it at his side. And even then you don’t believe it.
They were like that, just perfect. Life has its turning points, however; night gowns, party dresses, and Cinderella stories changed into maternity dreams. Somehow, in the midst of all this, good girls do die.
-Bob, its time.
It was four in the morning, the streets of Australia asleep, except for some soon to be parents. He was terrified like any normal first timer, everything was arranged, and he was everything she had. He took her hand, and closed his eyes, and concentrated And then sped down the road.
They got to the hospital, and certainly this was time, she walked slowly controlling each of her breaths, finally this was it, little baby girl was arriving, and soon enough everything was going to be accomplished. A slow drop of sweat went down her forehead, as the Doctor came in.
Everything went so fast, while he was waiting for the good news, trying to read a newspaper, that suddenly was unreadable, people started coming and going, the sun raising and everything coming alive, but not a sign of her, this is normal he thought, it’s just my mind, but, nothing, tics and tocs went by, and still nothing.
And all of sudden he took a look forward, and there she was, there I was, noble and innocent, a piece of condensed universe; and his wait was over. He just smiled, to me a complete stranger and yet a piece of his soul was inside of me, I laughed and he just smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek.
May I? He asked to the nurse that was carrying me, and she just handed the tiny package. He looked at me and that was it, he couldn’t say no more, there was nothing to say, his eyes were burning with love; and life didn’t matter anymore, because he had it in his hands.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
First, regardless from the punctuation and run-on issues I really, really liked this piece. The essence of it, in my opinion is a great attention getter, good job! Though, just as everybody else has told you, run-ons and punctuation DO matter (: I'm sure you can improve on those. Other than that, I loved it, congrats!
Keep it up.
First off, your prologue is unnecessary. Why not just make that part of the first chapter? The prologue as it is is a little shaky. I love the idea that time doesn't exist (taken straight outa slaughterhouse 5, aye?). I think that you could have phrased it in a better way.
About chapters... I think its a better idea to not outline all your chapters, and especially not to name them, while you are still writing the piece. Just write it all, then divide it into chapters. And nobody names their chapters anymore
Your style of prose is also sort of weird. There's so many commas... I'm going to copy and past every sentence that has too many commas, and the bolded red things are my corrections.
I was going to attempt to edit this, but I don't even understand what you are trying to say. This needs some serious editing. Like, yeah.
Again, this sentence is way too long. I don't even understand what you are talking about here. No offense.
I started laughing when I got to this part. Who the heck is Bob??? This is so effing random! Was this supposed to be dialogue? If so, then put quotes around it, sheeesh.
Umm, Australia isn't a city. Also, this paragraph was also very unclear. I had almost no idea that the girl was in labor until they said that he was speeding down the road. You need to show the reader what's going on, or at least tell it! What was arranged? What the heck?
You really need to stop using so many commas. Its almost comical, to be honest. I took out some parts of this sentence that I felt were unnecessary.
Seriously, how can you proofread this and be okay with all those commas?! Also, when a woman who is in labor is being brought down to the emergency room to give birth, it does not take hours and hours for her to give birth.
One of the major rules of writing is to NEVER start with "all of the sudden." Its horrible. (It's "the sudden," not "a sudden")
Also, newborn babies don't laugh. I'm assuming that the baby is the narrator. They don't do that classic "goo-goo-gah-gah" thing when they're born - they scream! Shouldn't the father have been in the delivery room while the baby was being born, anyway?
Alright, when you have dialogue, you need to put quotation marks around it. I know that you are trying to be deep in the last paragraph, but it doesn't work. Life doesn't matter any more? What the heck? Doesn't life matter to him more now that he has a child? And never say "couldn't say no more." It's "any more." You sound like a redneck.
Alright, I understand that this review was really negative. I'm sorry for that. The idea and plot of this story so far was great, but the way you present it is very poor. You use too many commas and have issues presenting your ideas in a clear way to the reader. But hey, this is just your starting point. I have a feeling that your writing will improve a lot in the future. Just keep writing and even reading, it all helps you grow.
PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
Lena
Nitpicking time!
The first sentence was a run on, so I divided it into two. You had 'prayerers'. It should be 'prayers' as I put.
O_O Wow. That is a mouthful. That is longer than any sentence has any right to be. This needs to be carved down to at least two or more sentences. It rambles so much that I'm not sure what the intent actually is. I think it's talking about true love. Perhaps.
Here you have great potential, you just need to condense it. Once again, this needs to be broken up into at least two sentences. For ex...
They were like that, just perfect. Life has its turning points, however; night gowns, party dresses, and Cinderella stories changed into maternity dreams. Somehow, in the midst of all this, good girls do die.
Or something like that!
Nice imagery!
Overall the sentences were long rambling and confusing. You might have done this on purpose, as a style issue, but even then I would clear it up. As prologues go this was intriguing
I like this, but there are several parts of the prose that just confuse me. This paragraph especially. Like the previous reviewer said, there were some grammar mistakes.
1. Australia is a country, not a city. Do you mean a specific city in Australia?
2. Several times, you use commas when you should be using periods. I've put a dancing elephant where there's a comma that needs to be replaced.
3. "Concentrated", not "concentraid".
4. And then THEY SPED down the road. Not "And then speeded down the road". Also, when did they suddenly get into a car? Or were they in one the whole time?
There were also some issues with point of view. I get the it's the baby's POV in the last few paragraphs, but what about the others?
This is a great piece of writing! I love it and want to read more! There is so much detail! I did notice a small punctuation problem, but I'm sure that can be fixed. Overall, great job!!