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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
So I thought I wasn't going to like this poem (no offense), when I began reading the first stanza.
The first stanza's kind of rough in my opinion. It gets a little wordy? The first two lines are good. I love how you repeated them in the end. I really think that wraps up a poem nicely. I don't necessarily think a poem has to repeat the first line or lines, but it's nice when the poem revists the beginning topic in the end. That way it feels more like a circle-ish ending, rather than a dead end when you have that connection.
The second two lines of this are weird. Maybe you could try rewording them.
You repeat this right next to each other with nothing but the break of a line and I don't think it works out well. Maybe if you put in punctuation, like:
"Because of all this,
this horror I've caused myself..."
Otherwise it doesn't make much sense.
Or, you could do it like,
"Becuase of all this...
This horror I've caused myself."
I think that works better to than what you have at the moment. What you have no is just...awkward to me. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I'm just pointing that out. And you totally don't have to listen to my advice.
Now I really like the following stanzas. I love how their put into couplets and they just work so nice. The rhythm is so good and flows well. It reminds me of a song that starts slow (that would be your four line opening) then picks up the pace. I really got into it and it just lead me straight down to the end of the poem. It was very easy and nice to read, and each little part was good.
I liked,
and...
Then it was nice how you paused that with another four lines. It was like that break before the end of the song.
I think these stanzas feel a lot like a song rather than a poem, because you're using "oh" a lot.
It works alright for, "Oh, but I know." I think that was okay.
But, "I did, but oh, no," is just confusing, and once again, awkward for me. Too many breaks in a too short of line.
I think what you were trying to get through... and this is only my opinion, but I think the stanza should be more like,
"But why didn't you warn me?
I did, but oh no,
you didn't listen,
didn't want to hear me out."
I think it would work if you just took out oh compeltely.
"But why didn't you warn me?
I did, but no,
you didn't listen,
didn't want to hear me out."
I don't think it messes with the flow or the rhythm and it's still the same concept...right? Am I making sense? Hehe.
And like I said, as for the ending, it was good. I like how it wrapped it up and went full circle.
I think
...is kind of boring. I mean, there's not much emotion in that phrase. It's kind of bleh... for me.
Not as creative, I believe, of as fun as other lines you have in this poem. I think you could take it out, or try to write something else in its place. (Once again, that's only my idea and you don't have to listen.)
But overall, I thought it was good. I definitely enjoyed it more than I thought I would and that's good. : ) Thanks for proving me wrong.
Hmm...I find this poem good and amazing, but there is one thing I didn't get.
Shouldn't that verse be like that? That was the only thing that got me confused, but apart from that I think that poem was beautifully written. Keep up the good work!
Its a good poem I like it.
This is a good poem. I'm so sorry about your situation. That's sad. But I hope you are better now. Anyways, nice poem. I can read the emotions in it.
That was really good. I could relate to it and it drew me in. Very well written, and good choice of words. Well done
Black Ink x.
"This brain is so new
It's hard to control."
Wonderful couplet.
OK, so your poem is stemming from suffering, and gets really cathartic at points. That's good, and you should really exploit that when you're writing things like this. My first edit is to drop the ellipses in the first stanza. Good poetry often can imply that without forcing it so much.
Next edit I suggest is to cut down on your middle section about your personality. It gets to be a bit much and all over the place. Consolidate and express yourself with fewer words. Also, be less direct. Sure, you're honest, or aggressive. But don't just directly tell me that, it's trite and boring. Use figurative speech and poetic devices to give a deeper insight on your characteristics. For instance the couplet I mentioned indirectly tells me so much about you.
After that section you lose some of your credibility and devolve into something younger and less mature than I was led to believe. Which is disappointing. "Stupid old boy" and sarcastic "oh"s just for example.
You've got what it takes though, looking forward to seeing more from you and watching you develop as a writer.