Gorgotten

dancing_goth_cat:


Dropping L1-L4 is the only solution for this in terms of revision.


Best,
Brad

Check your spelling.

"field of nothingness" does nothing for you, and creativity is vital in the shortest of poems. L2 should be followed up with a comma. "Disappear" looks just as fine in lowercase as caps, and I think, in fact, lowercase would suit it better, because you are fading away -- it isn't anything sudden or climatic, so the drama is best left out.

Next time, try to make a point with what your throwing on the paper.

Welcome! I, personally, like short poems. I think you did a good job with some simple imagery. Captializing 'disappear' doesn't do anything for the poem though. I would just leave it uncapitalized on it's own line. That gives it enough emphasis on its own. Anyways, welcome and I hope you learn a lot here and enjoy the YWS. ^_^

~Yoha

It is very short. Personally, I do not have a particular liking for poems of this length--but I'll take this into context anywho.

First, disappear--not disapear.

And for the small amount written, I'd say you did a decent job of evoking emotion. Sorry I can't be more helpful...

Welcome to YWS. Please read the rules before posting anymore of your work.

Thanks.
Meg

This is really ... um, short. LOL. I like the rhythm, but it seemed kind of...well, like there was nothing to it, I guess. Perhaps you could work on developing the images you start to describe, and lengthening the poem a bit. It is very abrupt right now. In a way, this compliments the topic of vanishing, but it does so very unconsciously and the fact that it doesnt seem like a designed effect leaves the reader with a sort of WTF? feeling. Also, I would dispense with the capitals in your last line, it makes the poem seem cheap, like a magic trick; and it's spelled "disappear" FYI

Will look forward to seeing what you do with this.

Cheers,
~bubbles

PS: Welcome to YWS !