Quite a commendable piece!
Before reading this piece, I checkout the original song on YouTube to observe the beats and pacing of the original Japanese song
I thought of it as kind of a rebellious song which is kinda true looking at your lyrics. I am a little conflicted with the voice of your narrator. The pain, the angst being described here is quite realistic but it's kind of a one trick act. It gets old pretty quickly. You still keep me interested because of your sincere and insightful observations.
The moment he removes his sunglasses,
his eyes look so innocent and pure,
and I'm blown away by them each time.
This is where you truly shine. I would have loved a bit more of that. The jealously and tears felt a little generic compared to this. Here you paint an image of the person.
I understand that this is a translation of a popular song [1 million+ views on YouTube when I watched it], but I'd love to see this branch off and be something of its own. You have got something personal and insightful going on here. It was definitely an interesting read! Hope this helps!
Points: 474
Reviews: 134
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