Published March 22, 2010
Being sad is a waste of time
It consumes you like a starving lion finding food for the first time.
It takes over your life and basic functions such as getting
out of bed in the morning becomes a chore.
Nobody understands what your going through.
Even in a room full of people you feel alone,like your the last person on earth.
Being sad is a waste of time.
So I guess I am a waste of time.
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When I saw the title of this, I was like, "Oh no... this poem is probably going to suck."
but your first line surprised me. "Being sad is a waste of time."
Damn. It sounds like some actual thought went into that.
So the people above me are correct about grammatical errors, but I'm going to add to that a little:
Layla would have you believe that commas are the answers to your problems, but this isn't so. I think condensation will help you the most. Taking out words that aren't necessary. You want every word to be deliberate and perfect. You don't have to use things like "such as" or "even in"
also the third line is very awkward and prosey and does not belong in a poem.
so here are my suggestions about content:
avoid cliche like feeling alone in a room full of people and focus more on sensory detail and other interesting techniques. You were barking up the right tree with the starving lion thing but that didn't really work, mostly because it didn't make a whole lot of sense and you never came back to it. So if you want to do the lion thing, talk more about the lion, tell us more. More sensory details. You can't get out of bed, but there are things in your room, colors, sounds, smells. That is what bondgirl is talking about, showing rather than telling. Its harder, but your poem won't be terrible.
Also the ending is dumb, it ruins the effect of the first line completely.
you've got some potential
Only one review? Tut tut, lets change that!
.
Well the main thing about this poem is the fact that it's really kind of flat. Do you know what I mean? It's just kind of you telling us, instead of really painting a picture. I really like then end though, how you bring it around with using the first line again. But I think you need to let us as the readers feel the emotion instead of you telling us about the emotion.
Good luck and keep writing
Oooookaaaaay, so there are a few grammatical errors in this.
okay, here you could either put a comma or a period. But it's more of a complete thought already, so I recommend putting a period.
try putting a comma after "you"
try a comma after functions and then make....
..another stanza, or so it's another line. And the "becomes a chore" part doesn't sound right.
Try to rephrase your words or change them around.
Your should be you're.
Okayy. This is good. I know what message you're trying to get out, but you didn't put that much detail, do you understand what I mean?? I mean you used some similes and stuff, but you didn't use that much detail. And the ending comes suddenly.
If you need any help, just PM me. Try to correct your mistakes, and then repost it.