z

Young Writers Society



wait and see

by cutie1996


The hospital it was so clean, so sterile. The spotless white walls made me feel like I wasn’t welcome. Nurses threw us empty stares and half-hearted smiles as we passed through the hallways. The air was thick with tension and uncertainty. No words were exchanged as I walked beside Karen, Max’s mom. There was no need. I got the message loud and clear from her frequent hostile glances toward me. Those beady storm-cloud gray eyes spoke for her. The only sound was the squeaking of our sopping wet shoes. My tattered old sweater was drenched from the rain and my auburn hair was matted and full of snarls. I threaded my finger though the tare in the cuff of my sweater. I couldn’t picture him in the hospital like this. When he told me that he had cancer I was in complete disbelief. Not Max. No it’s got to be a mistake. I guess kept thinking that he’d be the same as he always was. Laughing with a bright toothy grin plastered across his boyish face. The door to his room swung open and hit the adjacent wall with a thud. I was wrong. He looked so sick, like the life had been sucked out of him. His dark curls lay strewn about his shoulders. An IV ran into his skeletal wrist. He was a shadow of his former self. The alabaster figure winced at the startling noise. “Sorry baby,” whispered Karen. Until now I had never noticed the toll his illness was taking on her. Her usually prim and perfect appearance shattered and replaced by a disheveled and exhausted version. Her make-up was haphazardly done as if she had no mirror. Max seemed totally unaware of my presence. He just lays unmoving and silent. I wanted to run over to this strange boy and fling my arms around him, but he seemed so fragile, so delicate, like he would break in to a million tiny shards at the slightest touch.

“Hey Jenny, can you stay with Max for a bit while I go get a bite to eat?” asked Karen.

“Yeah sure, no problem” my voice wavered as I spoke. I’m not sure if she heard me but she left the room anyways. I sat down in the rigid chairs that lined the wall across from the bed. They were worn and tattered. The vinyl had been slashed years ago leaving it torn and frayed. I always found waiting hard. My patience for sitting still had always been thin. I was more the doing type. Reading never appealed to me as it required remaining in one position, but sports have always been a passion of mine. The nurse gave me a reassuring smile as she left. Slowly, I got up and made my over to his bed side. It seemed to take forever. “Hey” My voice was rough from holding back tears. I gently lifted his emaciated hand up off the light blue sheets that covered his legs and part of his torso. His translucent eye lids opened, revealing a sliver of the emerald green eyes beneath. “Max” my voice was brimming with relief. I felt him grip my hand ever so slightly. That simple gesture seemed to drain him of his remaining strength.

"Hey" his voice was rough like sand paper.

"How you doing?" I asked not wanting to know the answer.

"Okay I guess." He replied as if we were standing the hallway at school chatting causally instead of in the hospital. I ran my fingers through what remained of his hair. Dark strands fell out and were caught in between my fingers. His breathing was so shallow and croaky. It made me cringe. I perched on the edge of the bed as I watched. He seemed content to just have me sitting next to him.

"Stay" Max whispered so softly it was barely audible. "Please" He croaked. His vibrant eyes pleaded for me to stay. They seemed like the only part of him that was still alive.

"Alright" I had just noticed how small he looked. His face was so hallow and gaunt. Not at all like a fourteen year old boy. I watched his lids begin to fall but he fought to keep them open. “Max, go to sleep. You’re tired.” I said as I stoked what was left of his silken hair. He began to protest but I stopped him before he could get going. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.” I made that promise more to myself than to him. Tears began to cascade down my face and landed on the washed out sheets below leaving a dark blue mark that seemed out of place in the tumultuous sea of dreary blue sheets. His almost transparent lids stumbled back into their rightful place as he drifted off to sleep.

Someone opened the wooden door letting it a thin beam of light that cast unnerving patterns on the grubby white walls. It fanned across his childlike face. He woke at the glaring light. He was like a shadow, like if you moved he would disappear into some unseen shadow world. Karen closed the door behind her and sank into the stiff chairs closing her eyes. Dark circles encased her eyes and the colour had drained from her petite face making her look like a vampire. This time it was him who reached for my hand. Our fingers intertwined like a beautiful sculpture. "Thanks" He whispered.

"For what?" I replied, not meeting his intense stare. Instead my eyes traced the cracks and imperfections in the scuffed tile flooring. I let the constant pitter patter of the falling rain hitting the tin roof lull me into a distracted daze.

"For everything" I was still confused. What did he mean by "for everything"? He was always like this, so secretive and cryptic. I just smiled and let my arms gently drape around his neck. His own arms snaked around my body. I felt the IV cord sweep along my back. Now sitting up, Max slid over to make room for me to sit next to him. He looked like a ghost, so pale and skeletal. I crawled into the bed next to him.

“Oh Max, please don’t die.” I muttered to myself. A single salty tear slid down my cheek.

“Don’t say things like that.” He whispered softly. His thin arms managed to find their way around me and hold me close. I let my tears fall on to his shoulder, soaking his hospital gown. He was the one who was sick yet I was the one in need of comforting. “Don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry.” Max whispered in my ear. His thin fingers reach up and wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes. “We’ll get through this. Together.” He murmured. I just nodded, not knowing what else to do. “I promise.” A lazy smile formed on his lips. His eyes flickered with excitement and determination as his arms pulled me closer into his frail body. I feverishly hoped he would keep that promise. He hung precariously on the edge of life and death, constantly threatening to cross over. He knew that his place was here and struggled to stay there, were I fit in to this mystifying puzzle that is life I wasn’t quite sure. I’ll have to wait and see. We all will.


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30 Reviews


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Wed Sep 02, 2009 10:55 pm
jojo48 wrote a review...



This was a great piece of writing. The best part was how perfectly you described the feeling. I could imagine everything. There were a few grammatical and formating errors like the paragraphs being too long, but I like to tell people more about how to improve their writing. We have editors for the other stuff. So some things I would suggest are showing Max's character a little bit more. Personality is prominent even through a condition like that. I liked how you said it sounded like they were just talking in the hall at school when he said, "Okay, I guess." Put some more memories of him in there. And maybe don't dwell too much on how sick he is. Just some thoughts.




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57 Reviews


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Wed Sep 02, 2009 10:43 pm
Merlin34 wrote a review...



I liked this. I don't know if this is going to be continued, but it should. It's good. It had that whole sense of sadness and slight dread you get when visiting a sick person in the hospital. There were a few problems though.

1. You need to space it out more. Remember, start a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker.

Here's a few nitpicks, things that I saw and thought just weren't right.

The hospital, it was so clean, so sterile. The dingy white walls made me feel like I wasn’t welcome.

Remove the first comma and the word "it" in the first sentence. That's minor though. The big problem here is the word "dingy".
Definition of dingy wrote:1 : dirty, unclean
2 : shabby, squalid

See? The two sentences contradict each other. A better adjective would be "spotless".

Nurses threw us empty stares and half heart-ed smiles as we past thought the dank hallways.

The hyphen doesn't go there. It's "half-hearted". Second, "past" should be "passed" and "thought" should be through*. Lastly, the use of "dank" to describe a hallway makes it seem like some damp, dirty dungeon.
*You make a lot of mistakes like that (using the wrong word). Try printing it out, and reading it with a red pen in hand. If you can't seem to find them, get someone else to.

“Sorry baby” Whispered the figures mother.

Three problems there.
1. When you end the spoken words, you have to put a comma, if there's a "(name) said" afterwards. Use a period if there's nothing, and exclamation points and question marks where appropriate.
2. "Whispered" shouldn't be capitalized.
3. "Figures" should have an apostrophe (figure's). Honestly though, I would just say "Karen". It makes more sense, and helps prevent people from becoming confused by the next sentence (Until now I had never noticed the toll his illness was taking on her), and thinking that Max is a gender-bender.

I gently lifted his emaciated hand up off the faded blue sheets that covered his legs and part of his torso.

I would say "light blue" or "baby blue" instead of "faded blue".

That's where I'll be stopping. You make the same mistakes throughout this passage. Just try to catch some of them and you'll be fine.

Finally, I hope that you don't have prophetic dreams. My name is Max and I have a grandma named Karen. :lol:





If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec